Ultrasound

It is interesting to observe myself during this time...I am my own experiment in this alchemical transfiguration to becoming love and awakening the sacred heart...yes, it may seem self-indulgent to be so enthralled with my own process and yet a part of me knows that I need to intricately understand this experience of awakening the sacred heart and all of the ways that it works on one's bodymindheartsoul if I am to write about it with integrity and understanding...so bear with the indulgence, por favor!

Nothing feels the same anymore...I awoke early this morning in the same bed, with the same dog, hearing the same sounds, in the same house, in the same city, state, country and planet...and I am different and I am becoming new...a new creation or a new, upgraded version, I am not yet sure. My time in the silence and solitude was a conception and a gestation and I am just beginning to sense that I am living inside a pregnancy...being created in new life...like watching an ultrasound for the first time and recognizing "oh, that must be her little hand, or look there is her ear." And yet I am both the one observing the ultrasound and the one being observed. It is that new...and that baffling to my mind...it is if there had been a conference between God and my Soul during those 40 days and nights in which it was decided and ordered -- it meaning my Being...my Doing...and the next installment of my life. And now I am feverishly trying to decode it...what is this new code...how to be in it...how do I respond....what, how, when, where, who...oh my God...relax...BE HERE NOW...breath Yeshua...trust the Divine Order...wait on the Lord....I love this neurotic, chaotic dance between Faith and Fear...I would love to dance it...I am dancing it today...

I spoke with Andrew Harvey (www.andrewharvey.net) last week for my spiritual direction and he asked..."so Anakha, how has it been for you after your retreat?" He practically squealed when I reported back all the challenges, upsets, stirrings, doubts that had arisen...both internally and externally...he was delighted...and why? "Well," said Andrew..."now we can be sure something real and something true happened during your retreat...if you had just gone away and had these beautiful, inspiring mystical experiences and came back blissfully happy ever after...then nothing real would have happened...it might have been a nice experience and made for nice stories...but nothing real and transformative and lasting would have been birthed. You see Anakha, the Divine draws us into that unitive state to fortify us and to strengthen us and to strip us of illusion so that we can address things in our selves and in our lives that we didn't have the courage or the clarity to face before!" Thank you Andrew... Woohoo... yahooo ...thank God...I think...

I watch my egoself or fearself or resistant-self respond to the chaos and the mystery and the not-knowingness that is my life right now...I see my responses...eat chocolate, obsess about body, eat more vegetables, buy pilates DVD, drink more water...as if any of these things are going to stop the unstoppable movement of the Divine over my Soul...bringing me forward into new life...spilling me open...THIS IS WHAT I WANT...why fight it, why resist it...just stop trying to figure it out and LIVE IT ANAKHA...LIVE THE PATH OF AWAKENING THE SACRED HEART (I think that was Yeshua...being extremely clear about what to do!).

I don't think I have ever lived my life fully naked and unrestrained...and that is what I am being asked to do on this path...to not try and figure it out first so I can do it perfectly...to risk being foolish and failing and dying and fading away...to risk exposure of the most delicate and most succulent and most revealing kind...that of a woman...a being exposing her true nature, her loving and her fearing....her beauty and her dark...her evolved and her childish...the totality of her experience as she sets out on this awesomely thrilling and equally treacherous path to being born into the most Sacred Heart of Christ...of receiving His Heart into her own and living that Love in the real...with real people, real challenges, real situations that are crying for....screaming for a divine dose of love and compassion. This is my vow and I am asking you all to join me in this experiment...write to me at (anakha_coman@yahoo.com), better yet write to each other, comment on what I am expressing -- not from an analytical point of view, ('cause I don't need anymore heady opinions about the spiritual path that serve to keep me/us separate from fully experiencing the beauty and the terror of Life...) but please, and yes I am begging you, write from what gets stirred in you, in your life and in your depths...what do these writings conjure up, what edge and threshold of becoming new...becoming love are you dancing with...struggling with...this is the book being written...from our stories, our experiences. This is the beginning and the in between and the end. And I am so honored to have whomever is ready and willing to surrender to...to be caught up in this Christed Love Tsunami with me....this is my clarion call to all the lost Lovers of the Sacred Heart...all the Lovers of Love...all the followers of the Yeshua Way..."det haboon had l'had akayna d'ena ahabtekoon" as He said..."love one another as I AM LOVING you." Ameyn.

I love you all feverishly and ferociously,
Anakha

P.S. Today is where my books begin...the rest is still unwritten (http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/natashabedingfield/unwritten.html) ...I have two books in the works...the first is on the Mysteries of the Sacraments and the transformations into Love, into Christ that they offer to us now in these challenging and pregnant times! The second is on the Sacred Heart..on becoming Love...embodying Love...this blog is a part of the experiment...Andrew has advised to me to live it before writing it -- what a rare concept -- and to write from my naked experience. So here I go...here we go...