Surrendering to the Darkness

I posted my last blog and then went on to attend to a few tasks...take files off of old computer (new one arrived today), print out song sheets for tomorrow's service, give Jack (Jack Russell Terrier) a few treats...all along being with the question of "what is essential for me, to me right now...what is essential?"

Chop wood, carry water...what is essential?
Chop wood, carry water...what is essential?
Chop wood, carry water...what is essential?

What is essential for me to reveal to you right now?

That I am fighting a battle, the battle for my life right now?
That I am choosing Life right now and that I am dancing with Death...
What is this precipice, this intersection of Heaven and Hell that I find myself kneeling at?

In retreat I was drawn into mystical heights and unitive states that have prepared me (and of that I am not certain) to face myself and my life with courage and compassion. I seem to have been plunged into the darkness...my darkness...that which I have not wanted to face with clarity and with courage until now. I am facing myself...I am being asked to choose Life or choose Death.

I am facing September...I am facing grief...the heartbreak of losing my first love occurred in September, my car accident senior year high school that landed me in bed for 6 months occurred in September, my divorce was filed in September, 9/11...September, my father died two years ago this September...the Equinox and the return to the darkness occurs in September...

So what is essential for me this 8th day of September?

To surrender this battle I have waged on myself, starving myself of good, of love, of aliveness and of nurturing connection. To feel fully the lingering grief of past loss and surrender into the healing that will bring the pearl. To be vulnerable and exposed, to lay what is essential on the altar of my life for you to see. To allow myself to feel, to touch and be touched, to love and be loved. To be sweet with myself...to nurture and nourish myself. To lovingly cradle my own darkness with reverence and holiness...loving the beast until it transforms into beauty. To be human. To be here now.

I take a break, go to the bathroom...wondering if I will or will not publish this...I see a heater by the bathroom door...3 words inscribed on top..."DO NOT COVER."

I will not cover my grief, I will not cover my darkness, I will not cover my humanity, I will not cover my need, I will not cover up, I will not gloss over...

What is essential this September, during this turning into the dark is TO REVEAL...TO NOT COVER...to surrender to the gifts of wholeness that are only retrievable by surrendering to the this divine plunge into the dark coals at the core of the Sacred Heart. My Sacred Heart resides in this Darkness...I am convinced of that as I write...I hear Yeshua encouraging..."yes, yes, yes my love...come this is the way." All Sacred Hearts lie waiting in the Darkness...we must surrender to the dark to retrieve...to truly retrieve our Sacred Hearts...for they are not flying in the mystical heights....no, Beloveds they are buried in the dark earth...buried like those that died beneath the rubble in 9/11...they are waiting for a most holy, wholly resurrection and they await us in the darkest places of our lives.

This is what Andrew has told me...that the path of awakening the sacred heart plunges us into grief, into darkness and that we will be annihilated in this place. That is why it is so necessary to be grounded, nourished and together...Oh, my goodness...this is why this is showing up so ferociously right now....help me Lord to not cover, help me to surrender this time...to allow myself to fall into the flames, to be fully altered, transfigured, reborn. I surrender to the death that has arrived at my door...I surrender...

I have never gone this far before Beloveds...I have never come this close...
The darkness has always been covered, diverted, skirted...

This is the truth of my Soul right now...this is a knowing like I have never known before...that my sacred heart and the collective sacred heart will only be awakened if we dare to journey into the darkness...the diamond lies in the dark...the ruby precious gem awaits us...the Collective Soul...the lost and dismembered parts, lie waiting in the Dark...

I am going there now...I give up the battle...I surrender to this Death, so that I may be given New Life.

I will close with this excerpt from another beautiful blog, "Breathing Yeshua" www.breathingyeshua.blogspot.com:

The Cross and the Lotus-In the Christian Mystical tradition the Cross is a symbol of how Divine Love and healing make the wounds of existence into the sacred wounds of Christ that become for us the means by which we learn to be a vessel of Agape, the redemptive Self-Gift of God. In Buddhism, the Lotus is the symbol of the flower of enlightenment and awakening that brings forth compassion for all beings. It is rooted and born in the mud of the pain and suffering of existence, that becomes transformed through spiritual practice into unitive experience. Our brother, Thich Nhat Hanh, has so beautifully expressed this in his own life. He admits to periods of despair, depression, and post-traumatic stress in his life from the violence and loss of the Vietnam war. Out of this suffering he has grown through his spiritual practice the lotus of profound compassion and teachings to help people heal and find peace.

With Devotion to the Sacred Heart, to the Cross...to the Lotus,
Anakha

P.S. For those of you that might be prone to worry...please do not worry for me, for this is exactly what I have prayed for....this is exactly what must occur for my own sacred heart to be resurrected, this is exactly the experience I need for my life to be essential...for the book to be essential. I am not in any way choosing to check out early. The best thing you can do for me right now, is to cheer me on, to hold me accountable, to ask me about my darkness...the dark...to hold me and to love me.