Frozen Tears

3:09 a.m., i hear the trains in the distance and the rain beating down on the roof. i am lying on the couch looking out at the lights of st. johns, the screen of my computer glaring at me in the dark. i don't know if i have anything important or inspired to say, but that is not really why i am writing anyway. i am writing to become naked, i am writing to become intimate with myself, with life, with you, with the divine. i am writing to penetrate separation, i am writing to come into union. i am writing, because that is what i know to do right now. it seems as if nothing and everything is happening in my life. there are subtle signs of magnificence just below the surface. i am reminded of Miten singing, "there is so much magnificence near the ocean," on wednesday night. that is my experience right now, there is so much magnificence right in front of me and within me and all around me...how to be in this magnificence, how to direct it for good, how to awaken from inside of it all?

deep in the chaos of awakening energy is a beautiful pattern of order, reshaping me. the potter's hands have taken hold of me, shaping me into something new...new form, new direction, new purpose. i can feel the shaping and the spinning and the turning of the wheel. i am at the mercy of the potter's touch, no control, losing and loosing control. my practice is to return to devotion, to donation and to desire...a deep longing to become love permeates my days and fills my nights. i am asked to trust the potter and the precision and perfection of her craft. i am being asked to take new shape...formless into form, deep visions of my soul are becoming manifest -- slowly...

i feel the slow burn of new life within me tonight. i trust in this slow work of god. no rushing in or frenetic busyness...a slow turning...a slow burn of the fire's coals heating passion, purpose and bringing me into new relation. yes, tonight i will trust the slow work of god, the slow work of purpose...resurrecting passion, resurrecting all that i feared had been lost.

i have been riding gentle waves of sadness this week...a subtle strumming accompanying me as i move through the world. i watch myself and do my best to love myself through this touchstone time, remembering so vividly the night of my father's death. i notice how quick i am to judge whether this has been a "productive" week...if i am making progress...and yet, i know that progress for me is staying in deep integrity with my moment to moment experience, sourcing my self and my life from "sat nam" -- i am truth. i have been so adept in overriding and pushing through. now it is time for a different dance...a dance of the sacred feminine, she who allows herself to soften and open and become more accessible and more real by allowing waves of loss and sadness move through her. i am becoming this woman.

the night of my father's death still haunts me and i can see its imprint on my sleeping this week. it is like i am staying up to brace myself for that call, somehow if i could have been more awake i could have been prepared for or even prevented the unfolding of events. i have been vigilant this week, keeping watch in the midnight hours. i remember the sound of the phone ringing in my bedroom that night, and the voice that got me out of bed, urging me to answer. i can hear my mother's voice saying, "honey, your dad died today." i remember dropping to my knees, phone flying across the room...i remember the tearing from my soul and the deep wailing that rose up from my belly, sending my roommate running from the other side of the house...fearing i was being hurt. i remember the numbing, frigid feeling that descended that night. i remember the disorientation, confusion and then my decision -- i was going to rise above it all and do what my dad would have wanted...to make the best of it, to smile and remember the good. i look back tonight 2 years later and feel compassion for the one who thought she could outrun grief. she didn't, she couldn't...she hit the wall...

yes, this is my progress, my process...to be awake and to ride the waves of sadness, allowing them to take me to new places within my heart...cultivating a soft compassion that can be home and hearth to my beloveds. this has been a bittersweet week...experiencing the beauty and the joy of this fall season, delighting in the unfolding mystery of life, all the while being accompanied by the strumming of your guitar, serenading me with songs of love lost...my soul remembers...

beloved, come soon...i long to feel your arms around me in this dark night's embrace.

make me an instrument of your love,
anakha