wild woman cacophony

Disrobe, dismantle, disarm, dissolve.
All of nature is turning.
Disrobing, dismantling, disarming, dissolving.
We are not separate from this process of Life becoming Life.
This is the great turning and returning of the Mother.
The dance of life, death and rebirth.
Our cells know this rhythm and lead us blindly,
pulling us directly into the darkness,
into the intimate territory of our Soul.
We are shedding the skins of worn out lives and exhausted ways of living.
We are returning, remembering and revealing the seed of life
nestled deep within the contours of our native shape.
What was the shape of your face before you were born?

I Am disrobing, taking off the costumes, the masks, the roles.
The props used for playing life trail behind me.
I Am dismantling structures, stories, carbon copy mechanisms, ancestral garbage.
I Am disarming, removing the shields, the braces and the bracing, the body's armor, dropping the weapons of the disembodied mind, the arsenal of poison used to inject truth with lies.
I Am dissolving, dissolving into union, dissolving all separation, dissolving a self that thinks itself other than.

I am exposed.
I am naked in the rain,
shivering, quivering.
White skin, dark night.
Hair sopping wet, clinging to my face, my shoulders.
Wind whipping my body, water pelting my head.
I open my mouth to speak and no sound comes.
I am screaming on the inside,
I am silent, no one can hear.
I am the Divine Feminine rising.
I am the Innocent Erotic returning.
I am naked.
I am exposed.
I kneel down on the wet earth.
The smell of fallen leaves and damp earth greet me.
I lay my belly on the belly of the Goddess,
I feel her pulse life into my being,
through my navel she enters me
this life force, this Christ force
She enters me, she enters my soul
impregnating me with the seed of life
She is sweet ambrosia
She is honey wine intoxication
She is filling me with life force
She is infusing my cells
She is taking me to her breast
to drink nourishment that
will warm me forever.
I awake out of my trance,
lying naked, wet and sweaty
on the dance floor.
It is dark and night has come
Where are the other dancers?
Who was the madman shaman that
came and drummed my heart into
this frantic shaking?
I pull myself to my knees,
my eyes squint in the darkness
I sense the wildness around me
the danger and the delight
of naked living lurks around
each and every corner,
waiting to take me captive,
entangling me in the fire
until I dissolve
into the Lover.
She is rising.
She is home.

Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide...and even if I could, tonight I don't want to.
I am slowly becoming accustomed to my own nakedness, my own porousness,
my availability to life --
the deep sorrow and grief, the emptiness, the void, the delight, the joy, the bliss.
I am coming into deep union with life,
No longer playing games of separation.
From Self, God and other.
I am becoming a Lover with all Lovers.
I am touched and touching.
I am breathed and breathing.
I am erotic, exotic, ecstatic awakening.
I don't remember the face of yesterday
I don't remember the levers I pulled
or the games I played to avoid
such rapturous and heart breaking intimacy.
I am being pulled, I am being taken.
I must have bought a ticket for this ride, yet I don't recall when.
Grace is creating my living now.
I pray that I finally and completely let go of all
that does not lead me to Love, to God, to Truth.
Strip away all that does not serve this silent awakening
Strip away all of the lies,
Like leaves falling steadily and ever so lightly,
I let go, I let go, I let go.

Today I learned again, that we deeply need each other.
We need each other to fly, to soar.
We need each other to move across the threshold into greater living and greater loving.
We need one another to find respite and balance in the chaos of Kali.
We need each other to hold us, lift us, relieve us of our internal nightmares -- the monkey's mind unleashed.
We need each other to come into joy, to find aliveness,
to revel in the moment to moment unfolding
of the ruby precious gem of who we really are.

I danced in wild abandon today...I danced naked.
I danced with one eye looking outward and one eye looking inward.
This is the dance that my Beloved Vinn demanded of me...evoked from me...
The mystic in action, the sacred in the real, the soul embodied.

I am the Sacred Feminine Rising.
She is rising. She is coming home.
I am rising. I am coming home.

I invite you to join me on this magic carpet ride.
The price? Your life and your living, your essence unfolding with wild abandon.
Destination? Ecstatic heart union, love's fiery embrace, naked heart living.

Let this be our mantra as we surrender to the turning and returning...
disrobe, dismantle, disarm, dissolve.

And so it is. Ameyn.

Love Wouldn't Wait

I didn't sleep last night, my mind restless, turning cartwheels across the midnight sky. I feel antsy like I am going on a trip, a journey and my plane leaves in the morning and I want to make sure I arrive at the airport on time and don't oversleep. Every night for the past week I have been roused in the night by the angels plucking me out of bed. I make the pilgrimage to the front room and look out over the river to the lights of St. John's. What is wanting my attention, my intention?

This morning after a 3 hour nighttime ritual which included eating 20 peanuts, drinking 1 glass of diet Squirt (I know Johnny, not good for me or the rats), 1 glass of water, searching the internet for information on Portland neighborhoods for Jimmy (who may buy a house here so those of us who love Ashland and Portland can co-locate!) and reading the first chapter of Natalie Goldberg's Thunder and Lightening, I finally hear...

Love wouldn't wait.
Love wouldn't wait.
Love wouldn't wait.

The truth of those three words resound, reverberate throughout my chest...the sound of truth hitting truth. Something real unveiled...love wouldn't wait. I exhale in the relief of being out to sea, my boat adrift and all of a sudden hitting something solid. Something to rest in. Some anchor in the cosmic sea.

Love wouldn't wait. Love wouldn't wait for touch, for kiss, for embrace, for holding. Love wouldn't wait to arrive, to show up, to surrender. Love wouldn't wait for romance, adventure and surprise. Love wouldn't wait for forgiveness, I'm sorry. Love wouldn't wait to be cracked open, revealed, spilled forth. Love wouldn't wait to be on purpose with passion. Love wouldn't wait to play, to pray, to praise. Love wouldn't wait for me to arrive on the scene with my outworn excuses, Love would go on stage now and proclaim the word. Love wouldn't wait to write, to speak, to begin again anew. Love wouldn't wait to dive into the mystery of you Beloved and discover the secret realms of your heart. Love wouldn't wait to disrobe, dismantle, dissolve. Love wouldn't wait to come all the way home to the fires, the burning embers of the breath of Divine passion swirling in the cold night sky.

Love wouldn't wait to begin.
Beloveds, what are we waiting for?
Can we begin?
Love wouldn't wait.
Love isn't waiting.
Last call...
Dive in with Wild Abandon...
Now.

Today let us dive in with wild abandon, let us dance with the chaos, let us bring our hearts and our loving and our living fully alive.

Gratitude in the Midst

I recently listened to Mary Morrissey give a talk on Gratitude. Her invitation was to practice gratitude in the midst of all circumstances and experiences in our lives. This invitation includes a subtle shift from practicing gratitude for things or conditions in our lives to practicing gratitude in all experiences of our lives. This is what I call the "gratitude stretch."

This morning I received a test message from my dear friend Thunder in Ashland...it said one word "awake?" Yes, I am awake. I am awake this morning to the full spectrum of experiences and emotions in my life and I am practicing gratitude in the midst. In the conversation that followed he asked me, "sad, mad, happy, glad, afraid?" Yes, to all of those. I find as I become more and more present in my body that I experience a range of all those emotions. This morning during my yoga practice, I accessed anger in my buttocks, fear in my thighs, sadness in my heart and happiness in my eyes. All of them participating in this beautiful movement into union, all of them having a place in my experience and in my body temple. I am grateful for this deeply, deeply awake experience of emotion embodied, of life embodied. I breath, I feel, I deepen, I expand and I soften this heart that is opening to love, rising in love, extending and expanding in love.

Today, on the 2nd anniversary of my father's death I am opening to the great expanse of my heart and practicing gratitude in the midst. I am grateful for his life and his living, his smile and his sparkle. I am grateful for his charisma and his laughter, his courage and his stamina, his sense of adventure and his love for life. I am grateful for his loving and his tenderness, for his fear and for his constriction, for his heartbreak and for his liberation. I am grateful for this man, Edward "Ted" Ellis Coman who's life force I carry with me now, who guides me to overcome my fear of flying and allow myself to soar. I love you Dad and I am so grateful for my life and your presence in it. Happy Anniversary on this 2nd year of your liberation and your ascent into the arms of the Beloved. Have a blessed day! Amen.

Beloveds, in the midst of the circumstances of your life, I invite you to open to the full range of emotion and experience and practice gratitude.

Love,
Anakha

Frozen Tears

3:09 a.m., i hear the trains in the distance and the rain beating down on the roof. i am lying on the couch looking out at the lights of st. johns, the screen of my computer glaring at me in the dark. i don't know if i have anything important or inspired to say, but that is not really why i am writing anyway. i am writing to become naked, i am writing to become intimate with myself, with life, with you, with the divine. i am writing to penetrate separation, i am writing to come into union. i am writing, because that is what i know to do right now. it seems as if nothing and everything is happening in my life. there are subtle signs of magnificence just below the surface. i am reminded of Miten singing, "there is so much magnificence near the ocean," on wednesday night. that is my experience right now, there is so much magnificence right in front of me and within me and all around me...how to be in this magnificence, how to direct it for good, how to awaken from inside of it all?

deep in the chaos of awakening energy is a beautiful pattern of order, reshaping me. the potter's hands have taken hold of me, shaping me into something new...new form, new direction, new purpose. i can feel the shaping and the spinning and the turning of the wheel. i am at the mercy of the potter's touch, no control, losing and loosing control. my practice is to return to devotion, to donation and to desire...a deep longing to become love permeates my days and fills my nights. i am asked to trust the potter and the precision and perfection of her craft. i am being asked to take new shape...formless into form, deep visions of my soul are becoming manifest -- slowly...

i feel the slow burn of new life within me tonight. i trust in this slow work of god. no rushing in or frenetic busyness...a slow turning...a slow burn of the fire's coals heating passion, purpose and bringing me into new relation. yes, tonight i will trust the slow work of god, the slow work of purpose...resurrecting passion, resurrecting all that i feared had been lost.

i have been riding gentle waves of sadness this week...a subtle strumming accompanying me as i move through the world. i watch myself and do my best to love myself through this touchstone time, remembering so vividly the night of my father's death. i notice how quick i am to judge whether this has been a "productive" week...if i am making progress...and yet, i know that progress for me is staying in deep integrity with my moment to moment experience, sourcing my self and my life from "sat nam" -- i am truth. i have been so adept in overriding and pushing through. now it is time for a different dance...a dance of the sacred feminine, she who allows herself to soften and open and become more accessible and more real by allowing waves of loss and sadness move through her. i am becoming this woman.

the night of my father's death still haunts me and i can see its imprint on my sleeping this week. it is like i am staying up to brace myself for that call, somehow if i could have been more awake i could have been prepared for or even prevented the unfolding of events. i have been vigilant this week, keeping watch in the midnight hours. i remember the sound of the phone ringing in my bedroom that night, and the voice that got me out of bed, urging me to answer. i can hear my mother's voice saying, "honey, your dad died today." i remember dropping to my knees, phone flying across the room...i remember the tearing from my soul and the deep wailing that rose up from my belly, sending my roommate running from the other side of the house...fearing i was being hurt. i remember the numbing, frigid feeling that descended that night. i remember the disorientation, confusion and then my decision -- i was going to rise above it all and do what my dad would have wanted...to make the best of it, to smile and remember the good. i look back tonight 2 years later and feel compassion for the one who thought she could outrun grief. she didn't, she couldn't...she hit the wall...

yes, this is my progress, my process...to be awake and to ride the waves of sadness, allowing them to take me to new places within my heart...cultivating a soft compassion that can be home and hearth to my beloveds. this has been a bittersweet week...experiencing the beauty and the joy of this fall season, delighting in the unfolding mystery of life, all the while being accompanied by the strumming of your guitar, serenading me with songs of love lost...my soul remembers...

beloved, come soon...i long to feel your arms around me in this dark night's embrace.

make me an instrument of your love,
anakha

the scent of the sacred

the scent of the sacred
lingers in my heart tonight
love reaching out across the distance
between my heart and yours
lost and found and lost again
the tender words we say to one another
are written in heaven forever
love's call
waking down the body
rising in love
another night on the veranda
of this life with you
intertwined with the beloved
i make my way across the ocean
to find you and bring you home
the lost pearl
spinning in an orbit
i reach for it's light
it's beauty showers me
a thousand times i have
made this journey into
the waves of the ocean
surfacing with lost treasure
tonight i see the treasure
this ruby precious heart
that beats me into breath
into stillness
into silence
tonight i surrender
to the scent of the sacred
rising on the lips of love
a hunger for the beloved
satiated in your arms
my invisible lover
i am drunk with the divine
my heart liberated
becomes this
fragrant flower
i am the scent of the sacred
tonight lovers, we celebrate
the ecstatic's embrace
and become lost
in the mystery
tomorrow we rise again
in love
as love
for love
love is the only prayer
in this silent awakening
om shanti
shanti
shanti om.

#6 Pork Fried Rice and Shrimp

I spent the day with Abby and Stella (not their real names), two of the women I spent my "time" with at Coffee Creek. I drove to Salem to meet them for lunch. We all piled into Ruby and made our way to the Chinese restaurant (one of Stella's favorites) across from the Rite Aid in downtown Salem. Conversation about the details and events of our lives spilled out across the table holding fried rice, steamed vegetables, fried shrimp, teriyaki chicken and chop suey. Three women, three different paths, the same pursuit -- liberation from limitations and re-connecting with the fullness of life, love and wisdom that is overflowing inside of each of them.

We talked about recovery, treatment, sweat lodges, silent retreats, trips to Montana and parenting teenagers. Abby grew up on the reservation in Montana. She lost her parents at age 13 and raised her brother and sister on her own. She looked for solace in drugs and crime and then the dam broke and she found herself in prison. She is a mischievous delight with the driest sense of Native humor I've ever encountered. "Anakha," she says, with a sparkle in her eye, "what is it you are doing now, what's this book you are writing about anyway?" She invites me to come to her talking circle in a couple of weeks to help the women begin their healing journey. "It's hard to start your healing, Anakha," she says quietly. Yes Abby, I know, I remember how you began.

Stella is quiet today not as exuberant as usual, humbled I sense, by surrendering to her life as it is right now and walking in moment to moment awareness as she moves forward towards the fullness and promise of her future. Her vivaciousness and charisma shine through with a gentleness I haven't witnessed in her before. We wander through the isles at Rite Aid laughing and talking together, in search of chocolate for Anakha. Where are those Hershey kisses...they have to be here somewhere. We end up at the counter with a bag of Laffy Taffy, a liter of Pepsi, two bottles of Dasani water, one pair of size M leopard-print slippers for Abby and a bag of Hershey's kisses. We pile back into the car and head for Bush's Park. We sprawl out on the grass in the sunshine with our party supplies and continue to share and enjoy just being together again -- unencumbered by prison rules and the watchful eyes of the officers.

They tell me that their time in class with me was the best recovery they have ever had. They tell me about not going deep enough in their recovery programs on the "outside" and how they now know that you have to touch the wound, open it and expose it to the Light for true healing to begin. They know the dive, they know the submersion and they know how to surface again.

I love these women. They are my teachers. They are my soul sisters. They connect me to what is real. They strip me of my self-importance and connect me to humility and to gratitude. They connect me to the universality of the human experience and how we are all really the same, just different packaging. They remind me of the extraordinary in the ordinary. My heart is full, supple and open and I have been deeply nourished by our connection today. I hope that in some way my belief in them and my love for them nourished them too.

I stop at the mailbox on my way up the hill and find a letter from Anahata, another one of "my girls" who is still at Coffee Creek. After 7 1/2 years in prison, she will be releasing on October 11th at the age of 26. We took her measurements last week for an outfit for her to parole in. She is excited and anxious. In just a 2 weeks she will be entering a whole new world, a brand new chapter -- a radical departure from the life she has lived within the prison walls. She has used her time well and has a full Buddhist mediation practice, yoga practice and has completed treatment among many other things. She is one of the most amazing and loving and powerful women I know on the planet today. She sends me this Rumi poem written on the outside of the envelope:

If the beloved is everywhere
the lover is a veil,
but when living itself
becomes the friend,
lovers disappear.

These women, their stories, their courage and their perseverance are a guiding light, a flaming torch in my life. I am forever in awe of their grace and their grit and their ability to live and to thrive amidst challenge. Words cannot express my gratitude for their presence in my life.

Their story is my story. Their salvation is my salvation. We are woven into one another's souls. And for this blessing, I bow down and kiss the ground of the One who directs and orders these holy assignments to free ourselves by freeing another.

I love you Abby, Stella, Anahata and all of you (and yes, this includes you too, "the one who found her voice and uses it.") who remind me by your living and your thriving that my life has been worth living.

Forever humbled in love,
Anakha

Motion Sick

My soul is in motion, spiraling in my belly and leaving me breathless. An alien energy has been unleashed in my body and in my life and it has me in trance tonight staring beyond the walls of this room seeing beyond...seeing with eyes behind my eyes, where eagles fly. I am trancing in the land of enchantment, a mysterious turning of events and ordering of supplies for the deep winter's call. Packing my bags one by one, the bare essentials for naked living. The plane on the runway de-fogging and my glasses steamy with love breath. I drive for hours in the night down a deserted highway following a yellow-orange haze hovering in the distance. I am driving to Minnesota or New Orleans or somewhere I have never been before. My car rolls along, window is down and I am listening to big band music on the radio. Dorthy's red shoes, shiny, sparkly sit next to me on the bench seat just waiting for me to decide to travel lightly. I want to go home, I want to go home...Auntie 'Em and Uncle Henry...whoa, wait a minute...this story took a curve.

The pearl is in the seeing beyond the eyes of seeing...seeing with the eyes of vision, where eagles fly. I can see beyond the walls, I can see Johnny up in Port Angeles sipping his Pinot and eating the apple pie with crushed pecan crust that his wife baked for him earlier today. I can see him sitting back in his chair, legs up, pretending like he is reading...but really his mind is elsewhere, imagining, flying where eagles soar.

I am feeling motion sick from the rush of movement within me. A radical re-calibration occurring, of my life, of my soul...I am spinning in the alchemy of love revealing love...I am on the ride, I am both the rider and the ride, spinning in and out of time.

Hang on baby, this rocket is taking flight, and I don't know and I don't care where it's going...I surrender, I surrender my life to You.

The Great Mystery is for Lovers...Dive, dive, dive into the Mystery all you Lovers. Write gibberish, nonsensical stories that confuse your mind and stir your soul.

Dream the wild, crazy nonsense dreams tonight Lovers,
Anakha

Inside of Tenderness

I am living inside of tenderness
One tiny cell in the body of God
Like a leaf, a petal, a feather
Rooted in softness
Like morning dew clinging to the grass
I am living inside of tenderness
Graced by sweetness, born from the fire's ash
Burned to the ground, I can now see the moon
Sweet softness moving through me
Slowly caressing each cell
I wonder how I lived before
Evading the ride of life
Grief, joy, anger, love
All alive in the moment to moment
Experience of life
I am living inside of tenderness
The pink softness of my body
Layed open on the altar of life
Revealed and naked
Exposed in vulnerability
Shame whispers ever so lightly now
The sound of Truth leads me onward
The voices of the rowdy troublemakers
Like noisemakers at a child's birthday party
The chorus of angels is my lullabye today
Gracing me with the chords of my own heartstrings
Plucking me
Pulling me
Onward and inward into tenderness
I am becoming tender, open and revealed
Ready to take the Lover fully into my body,
my soul, my heart...
Stripping the denial of need for the love
of my brothers and sisters
I am becoming tender
The sacred heart opening
All that is contained there spilling forth
First the emptying, then the filling
Golden honey seeping from my open veins
Are you hungry?
Come unto me, I will feed you
For I AM the land, the heart and soul,
the mind and body, the milk and honey
of the Promised Land
I am the sanctuary of tender love.
I am.

Blue Lipstick and a Cigarette

I am in a funk today...laying on my bed...somewhat bored with myself and my ususal antics. I am listening to Natalie Goldberg again, her chapter entitled, "Blue Lipstick and a Cigarette Hanging Out of My Mouth." She talks about breaking up the familiar, doing something different outside of your usual when we become boring and sick of ourselves and keep writing about the same old stuff. She gives several suggestions...die your hair green, perm your hair, pierce your nose, paint your nails purple, dress as the opposite sex. One small prop, one small changed can take your mind into a whole new world.

I decided to try out Natalie's suggestion -- nothing else has worked today, bath -- nope, coconut popsicle -- nope, nap -- nope. I get up out of my nest made on top of my bed -- laptop, journal, favorite writing pen, writing down the bones cds and 4 pillows -- and head for the shower. What could I wear that would shift my experience? And in a nanosecond it comes to me...this funk is grief...this funk is September...this funk is 5 days until the 2 year "anniversary" of my father's unexpected and early exit -- here today and gone tomorrow. I go to the hall closet and open the door, peering into the darkness looking for the one item that I have that belonged to him. I see it on top of a bag of winter clothes -- one fuschia Eddie Bauer fleece jacket, men's large. I pull it out and put it on after a quick shower. Now I am back in my nest. I am numb. I can't feel anything just a void, a hallow place. I don't even like this jacket, it doesn't comfort or bring me anything, it is a lifeless thing...just hanging here on my body...oh, here we go a feeling...cycnicsm, anger...

Girl interrupted, relationship interrupted, bridge being built -- interrupted. We weren't done he and I, building that bridge...we were both suspended out over the canyon of the years, doing our best to build a bridge that would carry us back to one another. Bam, interrupted. I look up and he is gone. I am hanging suspended from these fragile lines, hammer in my hand and nail in my mouth. Diligently working to find a way back to how it was "supposed" to be. If only, if only, if only. Project "repair and reconciliation" incomplete. You exited Dad, you fell so quickly from this world into the next. I feel disappointed, sad, confused. You were my compass then, where is my compass now? You were a desitnation. We had big plans to meet again in the middle.

Everything in a moment, interrupted. Everything in a moment, changed. Life takes a sharp turn and I go flying out of the car, into this ocean, this vast, vast, vast ocean. I can barely see the shore. "Swim baby, swim. Get moving, get going. Set your sight on that palm tree in front of you and head into shore. You will be safe there. Nourished. You can lie naked on the sand and let the sun warm you. Let the sun restore you."

Just be naked in your heart and let the sun restore you.
Let the One restore you.

I have said nothing or something, I don't know.
I numb-sad...distant-sad...like I can't quite make out the words of my heart right now.
I should be over this by now, I could be over this right now if I would only feel.

The phone rings interrupting this sad story ;-), Angela Aminga...says, "Anakha, I keep hearing "ahimsa, ahimsa, what is going on?" I tell her about my day in the nest, "I didn't even open the blinds," I whine. She laughs and tells me that it is okay to not open the blinds sometimes, to stay in the nest. She asks me what I've eaten and offers her soul remedy --"go get some chocolate Anakha and salad rolls, I'll call you in a couple of hours."

I want to apologize for such a messy blog entry today...yeah, that's Anakha's shit...doesn't want to be seen too messy and unraveled... so I won't apologize, I'll just acknowledge that I am feeling funky, messy and unraveled today.

I am going to pick up Jack at Noah's Arf and will think about those salad rolls, the chocolate is a no brainer!

Ahimsa...ahimsa.
Anakha

Fall in Love

Swirling, I am swirling in a post-sacramental daze.
Dazed by the Great Mystery that is this beautiful blue planet and all that is this Life.
I am dazed by the great mystery of my life.

I was up this morning before sunrise, Kundalini yoga in the dark, shower, dress in my new "magic dress" (and yes, that is it's name!), off to speak, or as one woman said "it wasn't a sermon, it was a heart opening." Then a quick stop at the local natural food store for, yes, Kombucha Trilogy and Chocolate with Ginger (a tantalizing combination, one brand even calls it "Sexy") and on the road again to Deer Creek Park to prepare for the Ordination ceremony.
It was a beautiful ceremony, the "bride", Patriciafaye, was glowing and weeping.
The sun was shining and the wind was caressing us...
the Holy Spirit was on the "playing field" of that I am certain.

It was phenomenal and exquisite and I was the silent partner, invisible in many senses, just one of the many instruments available in this grand orchestration. I loved this new sense of anonymity, being fully present as an instrument and at the same time neutralized, invisible allowing the Spirit to take centerstage. Allowing this new minister to move onto her own ministerial centerstage, her birthright act, take one.

I crave the silence tonight.
I feel such a sweet humility.
I want to be held.
I want to cry from the great relief of no longer having something to prove,
or to be, other than what and who I am.
Take it or leave it, this is me.
I show up, I do my best, I learn, I grow, I fall down, I get up, I love...
I am so in love, so much falling into love with myself...especially and truly...
the darkest, most neurotic aspects of my Self.

I am grateful and I am humbled.
And I ask to be fully broken open in radical love.
This is my obsession...to become love, radiant love.
To give love, to transfer it from my sacred heart to yours...as the silent partner, unbeknownst to you until after I am long gone and you are left to wonder and wander in a love-crazed daze.
I am here to embody the Sacred Heart in its entirety, in my entirety.

I am listening to Natalie Goldberg's CDs, she reads "Writing Down the Bones" and comments on it 14 years after writing it. She advises all of us mad artists, writers and mystics to follow our obsessions, to fully engage them, because they have so much power....harness the power, direct the energy into a creative masterpiece! So here we go...the naked heart mistress will now joyfully and most reverently confess her current life obsessions:
love, succulent love, radiant love
intimacy, full present moment connection ~ "into me see"
dance, movement, touch, breath, contact
writing, writing, writing
yoga -- especially kundalini
sacred sensual sexual feminine (or awakening my erotic innocence)
dark chocolate (ginger, raspberry, orange are my favorites)
being held

I am just so grateful, so grateful for the breaking open of my heart.
I am so full of love tonight, I wish you all were here with me.
I would play my Tina Malia CD and insist on one big beautiful puppy pile
complete with innocent heart murmurings and spontaneous love poems.

Fall in love, fall in love with me...
XO
Anakha

Persephone

(Also from Saturday night...delayed posting)

My words are few tonight, my heart full with love's silent awakening. I am coming home to myself now, the Lover that I am is coming home to herself. To nurture and tend to this life of mine. And I am so very grateful. I am grateful for those that have loved me while she has been away, submerged...held underground like Persephone. I have traveled to the Underworld and I have made it past the guardians at the Threshold...I have surfaced with the Beloved, I have made it back alive.


Thank you to all of my Beloveds that have been there while I slept walked through my life. Your love coursed through my veins, supplying me with what I could not give myself. You were my life support in the dark night of the heart. Tonight I am especially grateful for two people in this world who have unconditionally and unceasingly loved me, for it is through your love and God's that I have come to fall madly in love with the one that has been here all along.


Delayne and Gene, I love you compeltely and am forever grateful for your loving, through all conditions.


May we all be blessed with Lovers in our life who with one kiss awaken us from our slumber and whose presence warms us when we are shivering in the cold.

Amen.

Longing Rising

{From Saturday night...decided to post afterall...)

There is a longing rising up and filling my heart, a sweet aching to abide inside of this Love I am feeling. My heart is awakening, I can feel it everyday opening more and more to life, to myself and to others. Today, as I was driving to my friend Angela's house, I felt the strong pull and pulsation of Love in my heart...much like the feelings of my first love, a tender, yet deep longing. I tried to place the feelings and in this moment now, I realize that Love and the Lover is within me. I am the one I have been waiting for. I am the Lover that I have been longing for. I am the touch and the breath and the holding that I have been looking for.



And yes, I am ready for Love.

I am ready to be the Lover.

I am ready to unleash the Lover.

I am ready to care for her, fully ressurect her,

And tenderly introduce her, again, to the world.



I am a woman of longing

I am a woman of loving

I am a woman of desire and tenderness

I am sweet and I am shy

I am bold and I am outragious

I am daring and I am afraid

I dwell in the depths

I dance on the surface

I entertain death

I engage life

I expand

I constrict

I know the taste of fear in my mouth

I have faith coursing through my blood

I am a child of innocence

I am a woman of expereince

I am neurotic

I am exotic

I am all

I am nothing

I walk the edge

I cling to the sides

I am obssessed

I am free

I am Heaven

I am Hell

I am Mystery

I am mundane

All of me is here now, and

I am ready for love...

7-Eleven Night Shift

Veronica asked the other day if I was leading a "revival of the spiritually elite." That brings a smile to my face 'cause most the time I consider myself an embryo in this dance of awakening. Her question gave me cause to reflect...what is it I am doing? I think what I am on about is becoming Love...not just loving, but becoming Love -- full on unbridled, unbound, unrestricted Love. And yes, I think some of the "spiritually elite" have forgotten what it means to be human, to be in a body...we have forgotten that we have emotions and darkness and human needs and base desires...and yes, I am calling all of us addicted to the experience of transcendence -- the hiding out in the mystical realms and caves of solitude that remove us from the here and now experience where peace can happen, where love can be embodied...yes, I am calling all of us from the towers of enlightenment to the streets of sacred activism and the fully embodied divine human experience. And, simultaneously, I am calling those that have lived their lives suppressed, depressed and hiding in addiction, afraid to venture out of their own prisons of crime, violence, drugs and habitual sinking...I am calling all of us out of the dark corners of hiding into the Light. This is a revolution of the so called spiritually elite and the so called perpetually lost. We each have our highly developed ways of hiding and of playing small.

Yes, Veronica this is a revival...a revival of embodied, sacred, Christic Love that encompasses all and excludes none. It is a revival of the awakened body, illumined mind, radiant heart and liberated soul...this is the Christed experience Yeshua spoke of and that he demonstrated in the world. This is the way, the life, the truth -- to be here fully present body, heart, spirit and mind in and as the I AM Presence and forever opening to the fires of Divine Love.

Now for the real naked heart revelation of the day...

I have always wanted to work the night shift at 7-Eleven. I have fantasized at being behind that counter for years, making those cheese and beef nachos for people that come in at midnight craving a supply of junk food to match their beer buzz (I was one of those people in college!).
I would love to drink cherry slurpies all night and secretly read the tabloids and People magazine. I would bust open a package of red licorice around 1 a.m. and read the paper. I would eat Hershey's kisses one by one by one as I stared numbly at the late night TV hosts telling their jokes. I would wear my red 7-Eleven shirt with pride. I would become best friends with all those men and women that drive delivery trucks with Doritos, Pepsi, Beef Sticks and Coors loaded onto them. I would smile at each person that came into the store, I would notice them, how their faces looked and what they were buying. I would wonder about ~ and at times, inquire about ~ how they were and what was going on in their lives. I would have locals that would come just to buy their 48 oz. of soda from me. I would win 7-Eleven employee of the month at least 6 times a year.

I am really quite an ordinary girlwomangoddess...neither spiritually elite or perpetually lost but some beautiful combination of the two. One thing I can say about this naked heart, this ecstatic heart mystic is this girl's got range...I believe we all do. Part of awakening to the sacred heart is discovering that range, dropping the perpetual stories of who we are, what we like and don't like, who we hang with and who we don't, what we believe and what we don't....

Just drop all those outdated, worn out, over used ideas of who you are and become a Mystery into and onto yourself!

What are your fantasies Beloveds? Anyone ever dream of working the night shift at 7-Eleven or do you tend to be an AM/PM sort of crowd?

Kombucha Baby!
Anakha

P.S. For those of you new to being on a group mailing list, please do not just hit reply and send your personal correspondence to the entire list. You will need to hit reply and erase the "To:" section and add in the address of the person you are wishing to communicate with. Thank you!

Leaving on My Mind

Everything changed for me last night.
One dance.
One embrace.
One true experience of being held,
supported by the strength of another,
nurtured by the presence of another.
It is in my bones now, in my blood now
It is breathing me
This experience of being met, of being held
of true desire meeting true desire
Innocent, freeing my integrity
Last night I experienced the integrity
of connecting with another from wholeness, as blessing
Two people connected to their truth, their desire
Meet on the dance floor and commune,
bless and share the entirety of their lives in that moment
In that moment we lived as one
My experience was of oneness,
surrendering to the oneness in the dance with the other
feeling supported, suspended between heaven and earth
Embodied Oneness,
God meeting God
in touch, in breath,
in movement, in exchange,
in silence, in union
in between two travellers, intersecting,
at a crossroads
with leaving on their minds
I've got leaving on my mind
Leaving this dollhouse existence
Make believe relationship
Cardboard cutouts and paper doll connection
I am leaving this illusion of a life
I am leaving this prostitution of a life
Where I exchange my integrity for security
Where I refuse to trust the Divine
with my most precious desires
and my most intimate needs...
I am leaving
The light has been turned on
I see my own darkness
My own unfaithfulness to Life
My own betrayal of my Soul
My own explanations, justifications, rationalizations
Done, done lying to myself about
what I truly want
what I truly need
Soul Nourishment
Dancing with the Beloved
Suspension between Heaven and Earth
I can feel you Beloved
Holding me suspended,
Safely and sweetly supporting the weight of me,
of my dreams, delivering me home.
Tonight I have leaving on my mind.
My prayer, to go softly, ever so softly
Make it soft Beloved
Bring Your Grace into my Life.
Amen.

Catch the Buzz!

I've got the desire buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz! The awakened body is absolutely happening! Thank God! Praise God! The Body is God...Embodied God! The Divine Buzz of Shakti, Shiva, Kundalini...The Christ Force is zooming through my chakras and along the blood lines of my Soul. Woo-eee people, people, people...I love people! I just returned from 1 1/2 hours of ecstatic dance after a long day of tasky type of stuff in the world -- haircut, car to service, meeting at Coffee Creek (prison), home, Kombucha, change into dance clothes and then whisked away by Angela. Zoom, zoom, zoom!

In this moment now, I am fully living in this Sacred Temple of the I AM body and I am loving my Self, my body and my life so incredibly much! Oooooh what fun it is to in habit this place in my Self to join my root, my pelvis with my power, my heart, my mind, my spirit and God....zing zing zing goes the connection. Pop, pop, pop this Kundalini rocks!

I am reconnecting with my body, my sensuality, my erotic, exotic self and I am finding God here...I am God meeting God here. There is nothing to fear, nothing to shame...just a beautiful, opening flower of the Self. And I am so excited to begin sharing these teachings, these practices with women and men....anyone who is wanting to wake up the vibration of Love from head to toe!

D.J. David spoke tonight at the beginning of dance about how much of his life has been spent worrying about what to do, how to be, what he is doing and why he is doing it...trying to force things to happen (can anyone relate?) and how he is now experimenting with allowing himself to be here now, present and with what is. This is the state to inhabit, where we can drop into our body...leave the prison of the overactive mind and drop in...the tower of thought to the temple of the body...connecting with the fire in our bellies that will dance us into being, that will ripen the fruit just with one steamy and holy breath of the One Breath that moves through us.

I want to kidnap you all and hold you captive in this most precious and this most radiant and this most succulent place...I want to keep you here until you surrender fully, finally, fatefully to LOVE, I want to keep you here until ALL that is not YOU burns away, flies away, falls away, sashays away. You know the stuff hell is made of -- the stories, the projections, the regrets, the shame, the fear, the guilt, the inhibitions, the holding and withholding....POOF up in smoke in the the blazing heat of Sacred Love.

I am on fire folks and I am not burning out and I will not fade away. I am here to stay and this Love Flame that has been ignited in my Soul is only growing more radiant and more purposeful and more powerful every day. I am becoming a radiant love blessing and I am taking anyone who dares to venture into this orbit of mine with me...so this serves as your warning, get off of this ride now if you aren't ready to step fully into your I AM-NESS, your sweet succulence, your ecstatic elegance, your soul reason for living, your radical truth, your warrior self. The I AM means business and we are going places...in the words of Dr. Seuss..."Oh the places we will go."

I am the message, I am the messenger...and I am committed to bringing this mysteries of the full embodiment of the Christ Force and the full awakening of the Sacred Heart front and center stage. I am worth it and so are you. We are all hungry for this liberation of Soul...I see it Beloveds, I see it everywhere and if you are awake, and if you are watching, you see it to!

Desire....what do you truly desire? What will leave you breathless, speechless, mindless? What are you juicin' for? What are you drooling for? What will bring you so fully into Presence that you make an irreversible, sustainable connection with the Source of Life and live the Truth of why you came here in this time and in this place and with these people?

Rumi says, "If you are here unfaithfully with us, you're causing terrible damage. If you've opened your loving to God's love, you're helping people you don't know and have never seen."

Amen Rumi! Now there is a Soul that knows the full realm of mystical, ecstatic, sacred, embodied Love! Be with us Rumi my Love as we venture into this realm of yours...be our guide...clear the way!

Beloveds, what will it be? You are at choice, we are at choice, I am at choice! The choice? To fall madly in love with God, with ourselves and with one another or to stay in the ice-palace -- frozen, stiff and isolated. It is a choiceless choice, in fact if you are reading this blog...you have already chosen. You are coming...sooner or later you are coming. You are coming home, I am coming home...we are coming home.

Come, come, a million zillion times come...come dance this ecstatic heart awakening into being with me.

Sweet Dreams of Desire!

Oooooodles of Love,
Anakha

Permission to Desire

As I sat at my computer this afternoon writing the ordination ceremony, I listened to Neil Douglas-Klotz' Blessings of the Cosmos (Aramaic Prayers http://www.abwoon.com/main.html). All of these are lovely and I highly recommend them for anyone called to the mystical practices of Yeshua. One of the prayers caught my attention and had me reaching for the book that accompanied the CD. The prayer that was calling to me was entitled, "Permission to Desire." What a concept! I am giving myself permission to desire, to fully feel desire, primordial desire, authentic desire, the kind of desire that just the acknowledgement of in itself is complete and total fulfillment (I have my Buddhists friends cringing). I give myself, and I give you, full permission to desire...to experience desire and to allow desire as a vital component of living a loving and succulent life. Desire without control, desire without expectation, desire without attachment, desire without frenzy, just simple, beauty-full, essential desire! I am convinced today that denial of desire is foreign to the Soul, and death to the spark of Life within us.

I am excited just thinking about allowing this sort of indulgence into my life. What do I desire? What if I didn't attempt to sort out my desires into categories of the sacred and holy nature and desires of the sensual and secular nature? What if I allowed my desires to bless me just by the pure nature of their existence? I believe we can use the energy of desire to bring us into the realm of alive and succulent living and loving. Breath in the experience of desire, allow it to circulate and fill each organ, each cell with organic aliveness. Bring desire into the bones and into the blood and allow it to shake us up, infusing the structure of the self, of our lives. Allow the energy of desire to fill you and trust God and this sweet, sweet Universe to bring the essential to you.

I invite you to invite desire into your life...to let it rise up, to let it arrive on your breath...to let it surprise you with its mystery...to give desire full permission to make itself known.

I leave you with this love blessing from Neil Douglas~Klotz, one of Yeshua's most Beloved Messengers....

"Ask, and it shall be given you; seek and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you."
~ Matthew 7:7 ~

shelu wa nethyahb l'khun
be'uh wa teshkahun
qush wa nethphetah l'khun

Ask intensely --
like a straight line engraved toward
the object you want;
pray with desire --
as though you interrogated your own soul about
its deepest, most hidden longings;
and you will
receive expansively --
not only what your desire asked,
but where the elemental breath led you --
lover's doorstep, the place where you bear fruit
and become part of the universe's
power of generation and sympathy.

Search anxiously --
from the interior of your desire
to its outer embodiment --
let the inner gnawing and boiling lead you to
act passionately --
no matter how material or gross
your goal seems at first;
then you will find fulfillment
of the drive of the flesh
to accomplish its purpose
and see its destiny
Like a spring unbound, you will
gain the force
of profound stillness after an effort --
the earth's power to grow new each season.

Knock innocently --
as if you were driving a tent stake or
striking one clear note, never heard before.
Create enough space within
to receive the force you release;
hollow yourself --
purified of hidden hopes and fears,
and it shall be
opened easily --
a natural response to space created,
part of the contraction-expansion
of the universe;
and penetrated smoothly --
as the cosmos opens and closes
around your words of satisfied desire.
Amen.
~ Neil Douglas-Klotz ~

Priestess of the Sacred Heart Awakening

I am slowing down and inspiration is speeding up. As I slow my pace, sink into the silence, and become still...I am filled with the I AM. This is my second day of a seven day fast, preparing for the Sacrament of Holy Orders...ordination, this Sunday. I am noticing that as I slow down, return to breathing Yeshua and as my organs rest, Divine Inspiration speeds up and floods my being. Less of me, more of God present in my being, in my doing and in my life. This is my desire, my intention, "may I decrease so the I Am that I Am can increase." Slowing the pace, feasting on the Beloved, fasting from the fascination with self, with past, with doubt. Turning and returning to the mission of bringing the sacred mysteries, teachings and embodied practices of Awakening the Sacred Heart to the world...to each of you, my Beloveds. The Sacred Heart is the individualized Soul that we live within. It is the Sacred Womb that carries the oneness that is Truth. It is not a local in the body...it is a state and station of being that includes the entirety of our identity and the fullness of I AM. It holds the bliss and the beauty of ecstatic union.

I am so excited and so completely turned on at the thought of fully living this experience of awakening the sacred heart and of writing about it and sharing all that is revealed with you and with the world. What is driving me? The idea, no beyond that, the KNOWING that we can and will become embodied, sacred love. That this alchemy is available, this wisdom is available, this path is available. And I, Anakha Shannon Coman have been gifted (and at times burdened) with the yoke of carrying the integration of the mysteries and the teachings and the practices of becoming Christ into full expression in the world. What I am committing to bringing forward will impact and transform and resurrect and illumine real people, real challenges and real life experiences. I commit the fullness of my being to the full and fiery birth of this within me and within the world. It is a choice point for me today...to retreat is to die a death of soul, of succulence and vitality...to advance is to explode into a realm of aliveness, succulence, vitality, wholeness and integrity that I have only tasted up until now. This realm is available to us all...I am inviting you to journey there with me, to SHARE YOUR EXPERIENCE (I am begging you to post your comments on this blog so that I am not dancing this solo, please Tango with me) and to learn with me this radical and ecstatic dance of the sacred heart awakening.

Dive with me into the Awakened Body, the Illumined Mind, the Radiant Heart and the Liberated Soul...these are the chambers that hold the mysteries of the Sacred Heart that were revealed during the 40 days. It is time for me to begin, a full immersion into these mysteries, teachings and practices -- to learn and to be forever transformed in, by, through and as Sacred Love.

Come with me, Beloveds...Come, this will be, without any doubt, the journey of our lifetime!

In celebration of our radiant succulence and embodied juiciness,

Your Beloved Priestess, Servant and Student of the Sacred Heart Awakening,
Anakha

Waking Up the Sacred Heart

I awaken a little after 1 a.m.

Tossing and turning, my body quaking with energy.

Belly on fire, heart pounding, breath quickening.

Bottled up rage

Bottled up truth

Bottled up love

Bottled up creativity

Bottled up passion

Bottled up feminine

Bottled up, suppressed, repressed, pushed down, denied aspects of my Self

Everything rising up, burning up, shooting up like the Fires of the Phoenix

Everything descending down, infusing ground like the Flames of the Dove

It is happening, a Pentecostal downpour, a Holy Spirit Outpour

This beckoning of the Holy Spirit ~ Maranatha, Maranatha

Come, Lord, Come

Come into Our Midst

Come into Our Core

Come into Our Lives

Revive us in your Holy Love

Revive our Sacred Hearts

Make us a People of Passion and Compassion

Make us a People of Courage and Zeal

Make us a People of Fire and Creativity

Make us a People of the Kingdom

Come, Come, Come Holy One into Our Midst

Light Our Core with Your Flame

Brings Us Home, All the Way Home to You

For we are ready

On our knees like a beggar before you

Crying out for your sweet infusion

For the elixir that will awaken the sleeping giant

The Sacred, Ecstatic Heart

That lies dormant in our chest

For we are ready

Lying naked on the altar of your sweet grace

Quivering with desire for your holy and healing touch

For the salve that will heal lingering memories of separation

And brings us to the One

For we are ready

To be broken open

And filled with Your Holy Light, Your Fiery Love

To be born again, mind, body, heart and soul

To be baptized in and by the Fire of the Holy Spirit

To walk the way of the Sacred Heart

To carry the medicine of Christic Love

To sing the love song of the Ecstatic Heart

To serve the Revolution, the Metanoia of the Collective Heart.

We are ready...

Servants of the Sacred Heart Awakening...

Fire, Fire, Fire Come

Breath, Breath, Breath Come

Dove, Dove, Dove Come

Oil, Oil, Oil Come

Transform and Transfigure...We Are Ready.

Ameyn.

Maranatha ~ Come Holy Spirit!

" Do Not Put Out The Spirits Fire. "

1 Thessalonians 5:19

It's raining today in Portland and I have the Fire of the Holy Spirit on my mind. Why the Fire of the Holy Spirit? It may be the damp 62 degrees that has settled into my bones, or it may be the upcoming ordination of my Beloved sister Patriciafaye or it may be the doubt of my own calling that has slipped ever so quietly in the backdoor this past week. Whatever it is...the Holy Spirit has my attention and intention tonight.

I have had a lifelong relationship with doubt...doubting myself, my abilities and gifts, my worth, my vision, my relationship with God, my own call to ministry -- you name it and I have doubted it. My seminary teacher Rev. Suzan Hill once said to me that doubt was a gift, that it would keep me humble, pliable and dependent on God's strength and will and not my own. I believe she was mostly right and yet I often forget this when Divine dose of doubt comes to call. I forget the promise of the scripture "for it when I am weak, then I AM strong." And in this forgetting I can become paralyzed, immobile, finding myself in an unwanted courtship, a suffocating entanglement with fear. {“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. ... For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
2 Corinthians 12:9-10}

It is at the exact moment when I move forward to embody, express and enact more God in my life that doubt increases in equal measure. It is in that moment, if I am awake and remember, that I drop to my knees in surrender and whisper "Maranatha." Come Lord, Come Yeshua, Come Fire of the Holy Spirit, Come Divine Presence (what one of my friends calls "a Savior moment." It is in that moment that I remember the slogan, "God doesn't call the qualified,
God qualifies the called." It is in that moment, when I have the courage to take a step forward, a leap into the Mystery, that the Holy Spirit is beckoned and descends in a Pentecostal downpour activating latent gifts, unseen resources and untapped courage. It requires an act of faith, an Indiana Jones sort of leap into the Great Abyss, to activate the sustenance and the fortification of the Holy Spirit. Then and only then can the Power of the Presence and the full resources of the Divine come to infuse and inform this holy mission. As my resolve to accept this mission, this movement forward increases, even in the midst of fear and trembling, the Spirit breathes upon me and whatever is needed always shows up. The Holy Spirit fosters and frees up my creativity only if I first decide to do something inspired.

I loved these quotes I found on a web site today that are sure to lighten up the seriousness surrounding this Doubting Thomas versus Mustard Seed faith tussle.

Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.

Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!

I am re-enlisting today (9/16/07 @ 7:25 p.m.) in the radical revolution, the metanoia of the heart. I am re-engaging this process of awakening my own sacred and succulent heartmind and bodysoul. I am re-calling the Spirit of Christ into the core of my being, asking for a full enactment of the Christing within me and within my life. I am re-membering my call to naked ministry, to revealing revelations, to bringing forth the mystery and magnitude of the Sacraments in word and in presence, to using my gifts in service to this silent awakening. I am re-questing the presence of the Holy Spirit to free up, to magnify and to multiply the usefulness of any gift I have in order that I may be used to be the image and the instrument of the Love that flows from Christ.

I am inviting you along with me this week, into this illumination and fiery infusion. I am inviting you to stir up and fan into flame the gifts of God that are within you, within your own sacred, ecstatic and succulent heart! Maranatha, maranatha, maranatha! This simple mantra will invoke the coming of the fire, the dove, the breath, the oil.

I will close tonight with a few words from the lyrics of Van Buren Benny,
“You’ve got to have heart, miles and miles of heart.”

May we all go the distance,
May we all remember that
We have miles and miles of heart!

Hugs,
Anakha


Metanoia means: “a change of mind”... turning around, to face a new direction...
to turn toward the light. Because when you face the light, shadow is behind you.

Kissed by God

One trip to the mailbox on Thursday evening sent me spiraling into the past...into my past...into my family dynamics -- the roles, the secrets, the illusions, the projections, the denial...it was all served up on a silver platter for me to look at, to choose from, to taste, to eat, to ingest and digest. All of this arrived in a legal-sized envelope delivered to my "doorstep." I am happy, actually thrilled, to report that I didn't eat the whole meal...that I took a few bites and that was enough to chew on for the last few days and in the midst of the chewing and reviewing, the praying and the swaying I was brought into a new awareness and I arrived at a choice point.


I believe this is what I have been writing about the last several weeks...toilet water or perfume, the glass ceilings of inherited consciousness, tribal fusion (really, tribal confusion!) versus God-given belonging in the Kingdom. It is true...we can't serve two masters...limited tribal consciousness or expanded Divine consciousness. I believe that this is the essence of what Yeshua was referring to when he said, which I paraphrase, "Unless you who are following me are prepared to hate your mother, father, wife, children, brothers and sisters, you might as well go home. Unless you are ready to turn your backs on the people who are closest to you, you cannot be my follower." Then he added, "You also have to hate your own life, your very self, your own thoughts, judgments, hang-ups." (Luke 14:25-33). By "hate" I believe what Yeshua intended (I doubt there is an Aramaic word for hate) that we must depart from, leave behind and at some level yes, reject and deny the consciousness of our families, of the world and our own limited personas to follow the way of radical change and radical love and radical passion that He was inviting us into. We must not fall prey to the "sins of the father" but find liberation in choosing to inhabit the Kingdom consciousness where we are free to be as we truly are, as the I AM.


Yeshua goes on to say that to be a disciple of the high-vibe LOVE consciousness, the Christ Consciousness, that we must lay the blueprint for our lives...we must determine the foundation on which we want to build our "house." Will it be on quicksand or on rock? We are invited to reflect on what kind of a foundation is required for committing to this path of becoming love, of becoming God in human form, of bringing the sacred into the active, the mystical into the mundane, of giving birth...wild, crazy, mystical birth to the Self of the I AM. What foundation, what building will become home to the Christ within each of us?


To build this foundation we will be required to depart from the past, depart from the beliefs, roles and entanglements of our families, the values and consensus reality of the culture and the monsters lurking in the dark corners of our own minds. A departure, a leaving, a stepping forward into requires that we move from where we have been to where we want to be. Kris King, one of my teachers from 12 years ago, once said, "If you have one foot in the past and one foot in the future, you are pissing on the moment!" How true that is! How often have we had one foot moving forward and one foot refusing to leave the past...trapped in playing the role, the showing up in a worn-out costume, playing the same old victim games and wasting the precious present. The birth of the Christ within us requires that we be here now, fully, wholly, holy. It requires that we leave those "mean-spirited roadhouses" and step into the Kingdom, the place of our true inheritance, and to live as I AM.


This quote from Hildegard of Bingen beautifully captures the essence of our arrival at this choice point...the "great divide":


We cannot live in a world that is not our own, in a world that is interpreted for us by others. An interpreted world is not a HOME. Part of the terror is to take back our own listening, to use our own voice, to see our own light.


What does this mean for each of us at this moment in time? And how do we face the resistance both internally and externally that is inevitable as we being extracting ourselves and pulling ourselves out of this homeostasis?

These are questions for each of us to take into our spiritual practice for reflection and for deep listening and most importantly for the Holy Spirit's guidance. Here is what I am learning today...again...anew...

Foundation: Reflect on what foundation is required to inhabit the I AM that you are; fully, creatively, passionately? What master are you committing to serve? What are the blueprints, the dimensions, the materials that are required to build your "house"?


Departure: What roles, beliefs, identities, patterns are you willing to depart from and that you will serve no longer? What relationships (with family, culture, self, friends, etc.) are you willing to offer up to the fires of transformation and purification? Which ones are dead, and have been for a long time, that deserve a proper burial?


Stand: What is the Sacred Ground within yourself on which you will stand? What is this new foundation...what are you claiming to be your Truth that will serve as its cornerstones? What is your "yes" and what is your "no". Become clear of your own personal ecology...what is the stand that will ensure that the house gets built?


Surrender: Pray unceasingly, offer this movement, this destruction and construction, this departure and arrival, this stand and this surrender...offer it up to the Grand Architect, Our Dearly Beloved One. This is a radical change of a dimension, depth and daring that we should not attempt to control and manage it...it requires that we dive off the edge of the cliff, knowing that we will be given new wings. This departure, this stand, this profound movement forward requires the Full Presence ~ God, GodSelf and Beloved Community.

I could write for days about this and I won't attempt to fit it all into one entry! Whew, I know you are probably as relieved as I am! I will close now and work this process with commitment, care and compassion! Join me if you'd like!

I am so grateful for this process, I am so grateful for the Kiss of God that woke me from the slumbertrance and frozenterror of the past and is delivering me to the I AM of my Self and opening wide the doors to the Kingdom which is my home. I serve the Master of Unbridled, Radical Love. In the words of Hildegard, "Be not lax in celebrating. Be not lazy in the festive service of God. Be ablaze with enthusiasm. Let us be an alive, burning offering before the altar of God." Amen.

A big love embrace to my beloved community! Write me back...write us back!

XXOO,
Anakha

Motorcycle Mysticism

My friend Johnny arrived mid-morning today...driving through the fog (on his sport's bike)...Port Angeles to Portland. He arrived with sweet, juicy pears from his son's orchard and fresh albacore from a recent fishing trip. We settled in with our mugs of tea (Seattle Spice) and he began to peel the pear and slice it for us to share. Yummy, delicious...nourishment, sweetness. After an hour of conversation he motioned toward the door..."let's take a walk" and soon we are meandering up the trail into Forest Park...conversing about a range of experiences....how he met his wife, his 41st anniversary last week, his "wedding" in Rome, his time in the "bush" (Johnny spent 15 years in the wilderness...raising his family -- ask him to tell you the stories!), cougars, tugboats, Italy, Easalen, Big Sur, Sausilito, sailing, fishing... And then, "are you ready to take a ride?" On go my boots, leather jacket, jeans....helmet and soon I find myself on the back of a bike speeding down the road...winding, leaning, gasping, gripping, flowing and surrendering to the exhilaration of being out of control and loving it.

And now I come to the end of the day, writing this entry...after a luscious meal of seared albacore, sweet beets, salad, brown jasmine rice and dark chocolate with ginger...shared with my dear friends Angela, Latosha and Johnny...and I am full to overflowing.

I am full. I am full of flow, ease, delight and newness. I am full of beautiful and nutritious food. I am full with the experience of loving and being loved. I am full with the experience of abandoning myself completely to a day of mystery and unfolding.

I am full with having my internal experience matched by a motorcycle speeding down the road, winding through the curves, swaying left and then right, rocketing straight ahead, wind on my chest...the internal ecstatic meets the external ecstatic...I am full of surrendering to and trusting this person who in the 3-D would be considered a stranger, yet that seems to know me and I him in ways most people who spend a lifetime together rarely experience. This ride on the motorcycle beautifully and exquisitely matches my life experience right now...surrender, ecstatic inside meets the ecstatic outside, flow, mystery, speed, twists and turns and skyrocketing straight ahead...EXHILARATION....full, open throttle...At times I close my eyes...feel the sway and the turns...practicing not anticipating, or preparing or bracing for the turn...just allowing myself to trust the road, the bike, the driver...myself.

I am full and I am uncomfortable. How much ease, flow, pleasure, exhilaration is too much? When is it time to say enough ecstasy? Can I allow this much good...this much God into my life?
I feel the "glass ceiling" of what I have allowed, of what I have been willing to receive being blown off and up...I can feel it in my belly as it expands to take in today's nourishment. And I choose to be present to the discomfort, to this edge and to keep going beyond it to the other side. I am consciously choosing to blow the top off the limits I have placed on what I receive and I open to allow my true inheritance, the Kingdom, to flow to me as It desires, as God wills.

We each have our own built in system (which is largely unconscious) that monitors and measures and controls and limits how much good and how much God and how much xyz...(you name it), we are able to receive into our lives. Most of this system and its programming was directly passed on in our DNA (literal and metaphoric)...from our ancestors, our families and our culture. Going beyond these limits requires a break from tribal consciousness...a departure from consensus reality. I speak about this dilemma in James Twyman's upcoming movie, The Moses Code. The dilemma being, "if there is an abundance of good, of peace, of joy, of love, of resource in the Universe...then, why do we so often have an experience that is less than? " I believe it is because we reach our status quo, our capacitance for good, we bump up against this glass ceiling and we retreat, constrict, resist and stop the flow of good, which is the flow of God, from overflowing into our lives.

This tipping point can be devastatingly tragic, if we check out and constrict, or life altering fabulous...if we stay fully present and expand. It is the razor's edge...

What can we do when we reach this place, when we begin to shake and quiver and feel the discomfort? When we are challenged to go beyond what we have ever received and experienced before? We create fresh wine skins, we find more jars, we remember I AM THAT I AM. I hear Johnny in my ear..."make it simple for the old man Anakha..." Okay Johnnyboat, motorcyle mystic, here are your 5 steps...

1. Notice the discomfort when you come to your edge...when you are being asked to expand your capacity to receive or experience or express love, joy, nourishment, pleasure, abundance, intimacy, freedom, flow, passion, touch, passion, availability, etc.
   
2. Become fully aware of your body sensations, feelings, thoughts, wants and intentions.
   Become fully present and...
   
3. Breathe! Create space in your body. Breath into the places in your body that want to constrict or armor-up. Breath, move, stretch and create space...create a new container with your breath -- a new wineskin...more jars.
   
4. Re-member who you are...begin consciously raising and resonating with the frequency (the vibe) which is seeking you...utilize The Moses Code...I AM THAT....I AM.
   
   I AM THAT XYZ (on the out breath you speak to God)
   I AM (on the in breath God answers you)
   
   I AM THAT LOVE
   I AM
   
   I AM THAT BEAUTY
   I AM
   
   I AM THAT FLOW
   I AM
   
5. Practice gratitude...I am so grateful for...

Okay, must sign off now...it is after midnight and I want to go practice 1-5 before I fall into dreamland. I am so grateful for nourishment, for loving friends, for exhilarating experiences, for surrendering to the flow, for myself...tonight, I am grateful for myself, I AM.

Amen!

I Am That...I Am...

this may seem provocative
this may seem banal
shockingly intimate or devastatingly intense...
yet beloveds this is what i am being urged to write
to right
to write
to right
this is what is arising after an hour and a half of yoga & meditation,
a bottle of Mystic Mango Kombucha (dang that stuff is an elixir for my wild heart soul)
and laying naked in restoration
this is the question the Divine is posing...
can you find and experience Me in All things?
can you find Me in war
can you find Me in addiction
can you find Me in fear
can you find Me in anger
can you find Me in dance
can you find Me in eating
can you find Me in evil
can you find Me in your thighs
can you find Me in your buttocks
can you find Me in your breasts...your genitals
can you find Me in your lingam "wand of light"
cam you find Me in your yoni "divine passage"
can you find Me in your love-making
can you find Me in your orgasm
can you find Me in chocolate
can you find Me in broccoli
can you find Me in shame
can you find Me in the shaming
can you find Me in abuse and in the abuser
can you find Me in love and in the lover
can you find Me in betrayal and in the betrayer
can you find Me in nature
can you find Me in the cosmos
can you find Me in the dirt
can you find Me in the stars
can you find Me, Beloveds, in All aspects of Creation
for I am there, waiting to be discovered, revealed, experienced
can you bow down to each and every experience
can you bow down to each and every person
and in that bowing
in that active acknowledgement of the God Presence
can you seem me as I AM
can you see the I AM everywhere
in love, in worship, in praise
in union, in sex, in orgasm
in war, in fear, in fighting
in nature, in dirt, in air
in slumbering and in awakening
in body, in organs, in liver...heart...lungs...bones and blood
in mind, in nerves, in chemistry, in neurosis
in heart, in aorta, in capillaries, veins and ventricles
in soul, in underworld, in darkness, in brilliance, in cocoon and in flight
can you and will you bow down
each and every moment
with each and every person
from the perceived horrific to the perceived sublime
until the I AM Presence
surrenders itself unto you
for know Beloveds that I AM the ultimate shape shifter
and I manifest and appear in all forms
to bring you into my most Sacred Heart
to decimate you, obliterate you
to destroy you for Love's sake
until you remember, until you surrender
until you come unto to the I AM that you are
Find me in all ways....always...
I AM THAT I AM...

Amen.

Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam

Six years ago...9/11/01...my simple prayer for each of us and for the world today...and especially for my Beloved James...may you surrender to the ashes and like the glorious and mysterious Phoenix...may you Rise!

This is my simple prayer for today...

For the greater glory of God and for the salvation,
the resurrected wholeness and the revealed oneness of humanity
~ ad majorem dei gloriam ~,
may we individually and collectively RISE
rise up from the ashes of the past
resurrect the diamond from the embers
free the enslaved soul
open wide the doors of the heart
may we rise,
may we rise,
may we rise
renewed in love
liberated by love
redeemed as love
dedicated, donated and abandoned to embodying
Sacred Love and living Sacred Unity
Allaha Huba
With awe and in reverence for the Sacred Unity
That Is Now, That Will Be and That Is To Come
Ameyn.


Still I Rise

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.
~ Maya Angelou ~

Shockingly Intimate

I just returned from Tango class...yes, this urban mystic is learning the Tango...I googled "tango" and one of the descriptions of the dance was "shockingly intimate." That seems perfect for my experience of myself and my life, of the Divine and my interactions of late..."shockingly intimate." That is what I want in my life...to be and to experience the shockingly intimate, the beautifully sensual, the embodiment of the mystical in human form.

Shockingly intimate with my body and its form, its beauty, the trapped emotions that live in it, its aliveness and strength, its capacity for expression...I am discovering this through nourishing my body, its pleasures, its need, its delights and its mysteries...by moving it with yoga (Kundalini, Hatha and Vinyasana), ecstatic dance, running, intimate bodywork and now, the Argentine Tango.

Shockingly intimate with my mind...its intensity, its dialogue, its fears, its rants and raves, judgements, curiosities, its highly-wired connection to Divine inspiration and ideas...sometimes I feel like a fire hose of Divine energy has connected itself to my crown and is just pouring down through me.

Shockingly intimate with my heart...its cracks, missing pieces, its depth, its dilations and its constrictions, its suppleness and its hardness...the range of emotion experienced, the depth of feeling possible...joy, ecstasy, love, compassion, anger, fear, and mostly gratitude, sweet sweet gratitude.

Shockingly intimate with my soul, its passion, its liberation, the magnitude of its beauty, my soul's beauty and creativity and transforming power...how much I love engagement with other souls, passion, breath on my breath, touch, silence, union, play, birthing, midwifing, dancing, diving...the darkness, the light...the mixture of it all like the stars in the midnight sky.

Shockingly intimate with my Beloveds...this community and others swirling along with it...on Sunday I launched my "naked ministry"....I told the community gathered in the sanctuary that one of the results of my retreat (or as Johnny calls it "my advance") is that I am called to be naked, revealed in my own process of awakening my sacred heart...not to just prepare some spiritual lesson and serve it up on a Sunday...but to stand in the presence of community, to be in the Presence of God and to show up and reveal what this transformational, alchemical process looks, feels, sounds, smells and tastes like in a very intimate...shockingly intimate way. I want my being and my doing and my speaking and my silence and my words and my pauses to be ESSENTIAL...a naked ministry...a naked revelation...a naked dispensation is essential to the birthing of a new world order...a Christed LOVE Experience. Naked is how we appear to God...naked is how I vow to appear in the world.

It is time dear ones TO GET NAKED...to not cover up...to reveal the Mystery in your own sacred heart...your own glorious form!

I received an email from one of my Beloveds that I have only spoken a few words to (maybe a dozen) in our lifetime together...yet there is a knowing and a travelling together...He was kind enough to send me an email tonight sharing his experience of this "naked ministry" this past Sunday ~ the first "speaking engagement" since the 40-days...He titled the email, "Holy Shit" -- which is exquisitely perfect and my sentiments exactly...

Hi Anakha, I wanted to write sooner but, I'm still recovering from Sunday. (Just can't take you anywhere, can I?) I'm in constant"dialogue" with you anyway so, I guess that'll do. There's SO much I'm moved to talk to you about but, this will have to do for a while...I wanted to discuss our (yours & mine) greatest gift/challenge;Passion...But, after Sunday I'm called to wait and see how it plays out...You are so "on fire"!!!! It doesn't happen often but I am so humbled by your great gift. (as you must be) It was as if something exploded Sunday...I left feeling dazed and deeply touched. As I'm sure most people there were also. I know it felt just primal but all your Chakras were in unison. (WOW!) Enough said. I hope this makes sense. Yea, you're essential alright...Transcendentally essential!!

Gaston Blanchard, a French philosopher and architect, wrote the Poetics of Space and studied the relationship of space to the Soul...and what he discovered was that a space that is intimate, intense and immense give the Soul a sense of Grandeur....And, it is the same with our Souls...when we live and embody the mystical in the real...when we walk this beautiful and treacherous path where sand meets sea...we experience the full spectrum of our Souls and we live in Grandeur...we live the full range -- vertically, horizontally, dimensionally...cosmically

And, it is in this place that our being and our living become....

Intense, devastatingly (in a sublime way) intense

Intimate, shockingly (in a delight-full way) intimate

Immense, expansively (in a liberating way) immense

And it is this experience that keeps us birthing and becoming and creating...it is this experience that as Meister Eckhart says...keeps us giving birth to the Divine..."What does God do all day? God gives birth!" And now that we have discovered the immense void (black hole discovery http://www.space.com/scienceastronomy/050816_blackhole_jet.html) in the Universe, we can be sure God has lots of creating and birthing to do...the God within us and the God among us.

We are celebrating the feast of the Eternal Birth which God the Father has borne and never ceases to bear in all eternity.... But if it takes not place in me, what avails it? Everything lies in this, that it should take place in me. ~ Meister Eckhart ~

Tell me Beloveds, of your experiences of the shockingly intimate...let this be our spiritual practice...to stay connected to Self and God and to include other in that intimate and ecstatic union.

This is the Mystical Tango...the dance of full embodiment of the transcendental in the imminent.

Sweet, Shockingly Sweet, Dreams!

In Honor of Christ Yeshua's Most Beautiful Embodiment of the Sacred Heart...
Allaha Huba
Anakha