This Girl is Super Freaky

I freaked out today. Today was day #1 of my committed writing practice. Natalie says to make a schedule and stick to it...day after day...show up to the practice and over time a structure for your book will make itself known...the internal will reveal itself in the external. I have been blogging to connect with my true voice, to write naked and revealed and to do so in your midst. I am so grateful to those of you that tune in from time to time to read. It is an exhilarating and vulnerable experience to reveal so much of my nakedness and to not know for certain who is reading these sacred ramblings and how they interact with their own inner heart experience. I hope and pray that my own unfolding into love serves and nurtures and nourishes your sacred heart.

Today, after a 2 1/2 hour session -- I wrote 4, 614 words about "disrobing" -- I found myself exhausted and wanting to lie down. Once I did I went spiraling into a place of raw exposure. I am exposing myself to myself. Through this naked, deeply present writing, I am penetrating the veils and I am meeting myself. I am piercing through to my heart...I am engaging in this intimate relationship. I feel overwhelmed by the magnitude of what is taking place in this simple act. After years of study, spiritual work, dance, art, bodywork, breath work, process arts, therapy, workshops...blah blah blah blah blah...I have never experienced anything like this before. It scares me more than anything ever has. I am confronted with myself. I am asked to be fully present, deeply awake, embodied and connected to my moment to moment experience. I am urged to dive into myself and extract the sweetness, the bitterness, to taste fully and transcribe first thoughts -- my naked heart experience.

Natalie says that even though we say we long for intimacy, the truth is we cannot bear it when it arrives at our doorstep. We need to build our tolerance for intimacy. We think of intimacy, closeness as something good. We can't get enough. But in truth we fear we'll disappear. Closeness means annihilation. Annihilation is awakening. In this intimacy we are annihilated, and in the annihilation lies our awakening.

Today I touched upon a virgin part of my self, my psyche, my soul. I was scared, I was overwhelmed. The monkey mind kicked in and start adding it's .02 cents. Jesus, Mother Mary, Holy God, Angels and Archangels...you better come quick I am freaking out here. And then one by one they came. You may think I am being overly dramatic right? What could Anakha possibly be talking about? This is what I think. No, this is what I know...the reason we get so triggered in relationship and why so much shit comes up to deal with is because we finally meet ourselves, see into ourselves, in the presence of the other. We get to see (if we are awake) our fears, our false selves, our manipulation, our longings, our desires, our sadness, our constriction, our desperation...we experience what Anna Marti calls "challenging material" -- emotions of anger, jealousy, fear, sadness...and on and on. What we don't remember or choose to forget, is that this challenging material has been within us all along, and it is being coaxed to the surface by the mirroring, eliciting presence of the Beloved before us. It is the same with writing, faced with 2 hours and a blank page before me and nothing other than my naked experience and the now moment, I get to see what shows up, who shows up...it is the same with sitting meditation. In this practice I become engaged in intimacy with my self. Dive deeply enough into writing and we will penetrate the veils that separate us from our true selves. We will become annihilated in this process, this is our awakening.

In the midst of this freak out melt down bewilderment, the angels showed up...an email from a congregant at a church I speak at, thanking me for allowing him to watch my experience. He captured so beautifully my experience right now, I love that he understands this is an expansive Love. "As I read it feels like you are in love… In love with the experience, with all that there is. In love with yourself (in a non-ego way). Or another." A voice mail from Patriciafaye, telling me she is loving my "christings" -- that she has created a folder for them and is saving them -- "this is the beginning of your book, right Anakha?" One by one, little messages here and there arrive providing me with courage to face another session, to become intimate again with my interior.

I am humbled, honored and tender tonight. There is much, much more to share and I will rest and let be for now. Remind me to tell you about "the decoys and the true self." Thank you for keeping watch with me.

Big Love,
Anakha