Melting Down...Dissolving

Listen, are you breathing just a little,
and calling it a life?...

For how long will you continue to listen to

those dark shouters,

caution and prudence?

Fall in! Fall in!

My eyes are puffy from crying, my heart is stunned with exposure to radical honesty.
Facing the monster inside, reflected on the outside.
I beg, I negotiate, I manipulate...I do anything I can to keep it at bay...
"Just go back to sleep will you, I don't want to face you today..."

We don't get to choose what awakens when we set out to know God...to become Love.
God rouses the slumbering parts,
He'll jolt them awake,
She'll coax them from dark corners.

Am I barely breathing and calling this a life?

Yes, yes, yes...I have been withholding areas of my life from God's healing power and miracle working. I have invested my faith in "of the world" securities, hold-over remedies. I have played small while boasting a bold faith. Incongruent, incomplete in my walking of my talking.

I signed up for Debbie Ford's (www.debbieford.com ) Radical Reinvention 90-day program last week -- this first month focuses on Radical Honesty. All I had to do was sign-up and listen to a recording of the first week's call and that was enough to signal the Divine's Universe and Angelic Cadre to go to work. I think Debbie must have a secret contract with the Universe, a.k.a. "the power of collective intention."

I can see the Angels out there in the graveyard of death tonight, digging up buried lies, suppressed truth, denied grief, untapped joy...a whole cadre of angels...each one has a shovel and is going to town (how do they keep their wings clean?)...digging, digging, digging...digging up parts of myself that have been denied, digging up half-truths and white lies, digging up Anakha...the goop and the glory...the dark and the light, all buried just below the surface. The Angels converse joyfully, oblivious to the "pain and disruption they are causing and the trouble they are making"...they just chatter away as shovels fly and earth moves. If I listen closely I can here one of them say, "if you say to a mountain 'move from here to there, it will move' " --another responds -- "God doesn't tell the humans that every time one of them says that, we Angels end up out here in the middle of the night...shoveling away...moving that mountain."

The mountain is moving...it is moving inside of me...it is moving outside of me. Conditions on the outside are adjusting to the internal movement, the Divine alignment. The ground of my being and the mountain of my life are moving...roots coming up...earth tilling and turning...underground exposure...digging, digging, digging...I am digging for the lost treasure of my life, of my Soul...buried so long ago in the darkness of the mountain.

Tonight numb minded, head throbbing, tear stained face, puffy eyes...I make this prayer...

Yeshua, My Beloved
Move this mountain from here to there...
Move me from where I am to where you want me to be...
Make me a woman of complete integrity...
Help me to live from radical and compassionate honesty.

Amen.

Living a Lie
(from How to Raise Your Self Esteem by Nathaniel Brandon)
I am living a lie when I pretend a love I do not feel
When I pretend indifference I do not feel
When I present myself more than I am
When I present myself as less than I am
When I say I am angry and the truth is I am afraid
When I pretend to be helpless when the truth is I am manipulative
When I deny or conceal my excitement about life
When I affect the blindness that denies my awareness
When I affect a knowledge or ability I do not possess
When I laugh when I need to cry
When I spend unnecessary stretches of time with people I dislike
When I present myself as the embodiment of values I do not feel or hold
When I am kind to everyone except the persons I profess to love
When I fake beliefs to win acceptance
When I fake modesty
When I fake arrogance
When I allow my silence to imply agreement with convictions I do not share
When I profess to admire one kind of person while consistently sleeping with another