Loving Jimmy

I met Jimmy 4 1/2 years ago. He was performing...singing and speaking at the Living Enrichment Center at a Possibilities Conference. He introduced himself to me and a group of friends as we were standing in line for dinner. He had this funky hat on and the most beautiful, soulful brown eyes. I confess I didn't know much about "James Twyman," the peace troubadour.

Over the years Jimmy and I played the hit and miss game of connection, lived the question of who we were meant to be together, pursued, distanced, cat and mouse...long stretches in the dessert. I hit the wall a bazillion times (right Delayne?!) and just wanted him out of my mind and out of my life. I thought we were playing a dead-end game. Every time I made that decision, like one of those paddles with the elastic string and ball...he would bounce back in. We were like those toys...the Weeble Wobbles....weebles wobble but they don't fall down. It always seemed there was something that kept us circling in orbit around one another. A baffling, frustrating, confusing, strange and at times strained relationship.

One night this summer, at the end of my retreat in Ashland, Jimmy, Tara, Randy and I sat leaning in around a small table taking turns facing one another, speaking from our hearts directly into the heart of the other. When it came my turn to speak to Jimmy, I remember saying with tears streaming down my face, "I have loved you and I have hated you and I have felt every emotion in between and now Jimmy, I am so blessed to love you so freely."

Today as I have been writing about disarming and dissolving, about becoming love, my Beloved Jimmy James Frederick Twyman has been pulsing in my heart. I love this person. I love him beyond any expectation of who he could, should, or would ever be for me. I love him beyond any thought of what he will give or bring to or do for me. And now, after four years of hiding, running, and distancing; I have penetrated the veil with you Jimmy. Our relentless returning has paid off. I know deeply and truly that I am on your side forever...on the side of your Soul. I can flow love with you, I can be crazy in loving you without worrying if you are going to freak out...go ahead and freak out...I will be here still...I will love you anyway. I will love you regardless of who you are with, who you are dreaming about, who has your attention now. This love has finally grown beyond the small forms and measuring devices that have haunted us in the past.

I am humbled by the gift you have given me James. I can't quite believe it, truly I am humbled and bow down at our feet honoring our perseverance in love, for not stopping at some surface, romantic vision of who a man and a woman are supposed to be to one another. I praise the Beloved who sent us to one another to learn and to grow beyond...I wonder are you growing beyond too?

Years ago when I was with Vinn, I remember him speaking of this expansive and deep love that he and Anna shared. I couldn't understand it. I felt threatened and small in the face of it. I couldn't, wouldn't expand beyond my idea of a controlling, owning, self-centered sort of love (which I now realize was not love at all, only fear masquerading). Recently Anna spoke with me and expressed her love for Vinn and this time Jimmy, I could begin to understand, I could resonate with the essence of her words. I could silently nod with warmth in my heart and knowing in my eyes.

Today on this beautiful, sunny fall day in Portland...I am here and you are lord knows where, and I wish to honor you Beloved for teaching me, for showing me, for requiring me to grow beyond the small "l" love to the BIG "L" LOVE...thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you for receiving my love, my affection, my compassion, and my seeing so openly and graciously. Thank you for allowing me to experience a rare, exquisite and unconditioned, unconditional love.

With this pearl of experience I can now live this possiblity of expanded and expanding love in my life...I can be a True Lover. Beloveds, today I pray that we all have people in our life that demand that we surrender to the fire, that we grow beyond our fear and find ourselves living fully in Love.

In the words of Miten,

we are awakening
to the calling of the mystic
we are awakening
in the flowering of the heart
everybody here
melting into presence
overflowing effervescence
rising in love

To all of my Beloveds...I love you, I am yours in love and I commit to our forever rising in love.
To Yeshua and to Magdala, who came to show us this way of embodied love, I whisper with tears on my cheeks, "thank you."
Anakha