Cast Me Gently

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a
Place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight
If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
'Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all burned out
You'll still be burning so bright
Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind

~ Sarah McLachlan ~

The night has been unkind. Parts of my life and my living have been unkind. I am awash in the sea of grief, swimming in the ocean of the Dark Night. I know this territory of the soul's sojourn. I have been taken here before, held under by the Divine's hands. This is the God's handiwork in motion over the land of my Soul, my heart, my life.

I notice that I have been avoiding this blog -- managing what I think is "appropriate" or not, what you can handle, what will be acceptable. God forbid I be too much, too raw. She's lost her mind...over the edge...gone too far...well, it is all true. I am over the edge...spilled open...heart ripped open, chains flying, debris everywhere, my naked heart exposed grieving, crying, gasping for breath. Can she emerge, will she emerge from this spiritual madness, the raging fires of purification?

I am undergoing a soul resurrection. Pieces of me re-assembling, masks stripped, mechanisms undone. I am unraveled to the core...bared to the bone. The most vulnerable parts exposed. Self-worth, value, purpose, body image, ability to sustain...to succeed. I am drowning in self-doubt. I am experiencing the full magnitude of the wound. Like the Star Ship Enterprise flying directly into an unknown dark...I am facing the shadow, the sacred wound. I am in it fully...and I am standing still...no running, no fixing, no crying...just a full and present experience of deep terror, deep grief, deep doubt, deep....deep unworth. I will be present to this dark night...I will fully experience the nightmare so I can fully live the dream. I will penetrate the energetic prisons that have kept me small and quiet. I was so small...I had to be quiet. It was life or death back then. I had to save my mother, I had to save myself. Now, I let be, I let go and I allow the Divine Healer to save me, to salve me...to bring me into salvation, wholly, holly resurrected. I am becoming whole in the madness of this dark, damp murk. I cannot see, I cannot hear, I can only feel the fire raging in my heart...God is allowing me to burn, burn, burn. I am dying...soon I will be dead, nothing left of the former self...no trace. And then, silently I will be breathed again by the Divine Holy Spirit, breath to ash. I will rise one more time.

I am tired. I am done fighting. I am scared that I won't make it through this and yet I am assured that I will. I know that I will. This was my intention...to live the full awakening of the sacred heart. This terror, this pain, this deep grief must have been felt by Yeshua as he lay there on the cross, betrayed, beatened, crucified, mocked. "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do." To fully open to Love's presence, to live the Sacred Heart...we must journey into the Dark Night, we must be willing to be crucified, to be pierced, to receive the Stigmata of the Sacred Heart. Then and only then will we carry the Scent of the Sacred. Then and only then will we be transformed into Love, by Love.

Waves of grief flow through me. I was so young when my stepfather raped me. Stole my innocence. Traded my beauty for his sickness. He played his part perfectly...stealing my soul...setting up this time when I would dive again into the mystery to retrieve the lost and rejected parts of myself. It was eight years ago that the memories, emotions and flashbacks began. They started after an intensely focused time of healing from an eating disorder and spending several years in deep personal awareness and healing work and undergoing deep neuromuscular body work.

I thought I was done with that. I was wrong...there was more...the core root still in place...poisoning my existence, tainting my living, squelching my loving, suffocating the radiance, constricting my voice, darkening my presence. This root has been pulled up. Now a gaping hole remains...all of me reeling, grieving, stripped again. I want this...I want this badly...I want to have this fully eradicated, to be crucified so that I can rise again in Truth. I want my life to be free, forever free of the imprint of this heartbreak, this soul rape. I want it over and done.

I have so much living to do, so much loving to do. I want to emerge and take my place in life as the mystic, artist, lover and healer that I am. I want to do this with gentle strength and powerful humility. I want to offer what I know to those that come after me, to those that walk with me and to those that came before me. I want to bring my gifts fully forward, to offer them with radiance and to receive abundance.

I deserve this. I have paid the price. I have taken the journey. I have surrendered completely.
Now it is my turn. My turn to thrive, my turn to love, my turn to receive, my turn...It is my turn. I deserve this. I can do this. I will do this. I AM doing this now.

Please do not worry for me, do not attempt to save me. I don't need saving or fixing. The Divine is in control and no harm can be done. This is what it looks like Beloveds when you surrender fully and ask the Holy Spirit to come have its way with you...to fashion you into love. It is not child's play...as Rumi says, "Love comes like a madman, wielding a knife."

Please pray with me during this resurrection. Please hold the space for life to begin anew. Keep watch with me, keep watch and pray, the Pentecostal outpouring, the descending of the Holy Spirit is just days away.

I am love spilling over, becoming sacred life. I will make it through, I know like I know like I know...that this time, I will come all the way home Beloved, all the way home to you.

I love myself, I love you. Thank you for bearing witness. Thank you my Beloved Community. Amen.
xo,
Anakha