Holding Space

I am sitting with Nichole after a very long day...wondering what to blog about. So much has happened today -- inside, outside. I look over at her on the other couch and say, "to blog or not to blog?" She looks back and says, "holding space." Hmmm...okay. "That's what stands out for me about your day Anakha," she says. Alrighty wise one...holding space it is!

Nichole and I were up early this morning and at the Multnomah County courtroom by 8:30 a.m. She had a "lapse" in her sobriety over a month ago -- a weeble wobble in her recovery, a momentary glitch and because of her restricted sentence she had to appear before the judge. The question -- would the judge send her back to prison for 3 years or would he keep her on probation? This is the question she has been living for the last 4 weeks.

The cool and oh-so-outstanding thing about Nichole is her razor's edge integrity. She had over 2 years of sobriety when she found herself alone, packing up her mother's belongings late one Saturday night. Her mother had relapsed and was in jail. Nichole was showing up to take care of her mother's "stuff" -- a lifelong pattern that started the day she was born. She went to the jewelry box to put some of her mother's favorite earrings away. When she opened the box and looked inside she found a pipe and meth. She walked away, she walked back, she walked away, she walked back. She got high. The next day she rode the MAX back to the YWCA and told her case manager what she had done. She called her parole officer, her support network...she called me. She lost her transitional housing and has been living with me ever since.

So there I was, 8:30 a.m. seated on a bench in the courtroom behind Nichole and Suzi, her parole officer --holding space. The judge walks in and begins to read case numbers...I hear him say "The State of Oregon versus Nichole Nicholson." Sounds heavy, although he looks like the sort of man that would be a loving father. I hold my breath and glance at Mike, Nichole's boyfriend. He looks anxious...scared.

I turn back to look at the judge. He looks out from his bench at Nichole and says, "you called this meeting, I'll let you start the conversation." My mind does a double take while my heart registers the miracle. Meeting? Conversation? What happened to the hearing? My heart lurches and I look at Mike, my face scrunches up and I start to cry. Tears stream down my face as the emotions flow with the realization that this judge is here to listen, to be open. Our prayers have been answered, our intentions manifested. I realize that I have been holding the space for a miracle in this young woman's life for the past month. I have been holding her intention, releasing attachment, and opening a space for grace -- for a miracle, for another opportunity to begin again. At the end of the "conversation" the judge signs a paper and declares, "probation continued." Nichole turns and looks at me with a big smile and says, "I'm free!" Yes Nichole...you are free. The tears continue to come as waves of relief and joy and gratitude flow through me.

Holding space. Holding space for healing, for grieving, for becoming, for transforming -- for possibilities, for miracles, for new beginnings, for radical change. My naked heart holds space for it all.

I found this quote about holding space tonight...

"To hold space is to rest in the chaos that is darkness;
a darkness that represents a vast field of unknown potential.
It is this field that you are inviting to hum. From this field
understanding will blossom, light will emerge, possibilities will grow."

I am holding space in the chaos and in the darkness of my life...I am inviting the Divine Hum into this sacred turning and becoming. I see new life blossoming filling me with light...growing the seeds of possibilities I planted so long ago. My life is a constant becoming...I am the space, I am the holder.

I will be still and know that I am...I will rest in the chaos. I will trust in the creative process of life, death and rebirth. I will hold space for you Beloved. I will hold space for our collective becoming.

All love,
Anakha