The Healing Crucible

Lay yourself on the slab of openness

and wait for the knife of my beauty

to gash you so deep with the Beloved's radiance

that you can never recover.

~ Rumi ~

From tonight's "Making Love with the Mystery" writing class...unedited thoughts...20 minutes of raw, naked exposure. Drink from the Naked Heart:

The healing crucible of Love's intimacy

Calling me to know

Slowly I open my eyes to see

A glimpse of the Lover I am

Of the Life that is birthing in each cell of my being

I am mad with Love

Angry, oh so angry

My innocence stolen

Clawing, fighting, teeth gnashing

Blood dripping from my hands, my heart

I pull myself back into myself

Wrenched free from my prisoner's grip

I fight, I wail, I scream

I let loose of the grip

The monster man, the evil one

And I fall, I fall, I fall

Downward I fall

Stomach gripping, silent screams

The lost one spiraling downward

Hitting ground, dust everywhere

I lift my head and look around

Where am I?

Who am I?

Am I alive or am I dead?

Terra firma, new soil

Back in the Garden of Eden

Lush living, sensual innocence, sexual grace

I lift my face from the ground of my fall

And find myself once again

In the Lush Garden of Eden

Me, My Lover

I am my Lover in the Garden of Eden

I am the beholden one

I am the desired and the desiring

I am the one who longs to take me

Down under into the realms of

Sacred Romance

Where heat burns in my belly

Love churns in my chest

Here I am the star in the passion play

The play for passion

I play, I pray for passion

Red, red, ruby red loving

I am sprawled out on my Beloved's bed

Ruby nipples exposed

Eyes dancing with desire's longing

Radiance dripping from each pore

Love's holy crucible

Making the elixir

Mashing poison

Extracting sweetness

The Beloved grooming me

Preparing me to receive

Love's blessing

Ecstatic bliss

In giving, loving, receiving

I am becoming the honey sweet nectar

Of Love's bliss

I am becoming pure manna

Nourishment, alchemy's nourishment

for my Beloveds

My legs long spiral round

Twisting, turning, loosening

Belly warming, softening, extending

Breath deepening

Voice raspy

Moaning

Eyes glossy

Present moment here I am

Naked beauty trembling before you

I expose myself

My past, my failures, my regret

My present grief, my sadness

My dreams, my fears

I stand open, naked before you

I tremble with your gaze

Piercing through me

Reading me like a sacred text

You who can see

The sacred text of my living

I shake, cells vibrate

I disintegrate

Bones to ash

A pile of rubble on the floor

Before you

I the I Am

Still alive, still present

In the rubble

Waiting

Wanting her Lover's breath to breathe

Her into being

She waits patiently

Dis-integrated

Distilled to essence

The fire's work

Burned to ash

The monument to self

The false living

Dead-end loving

Misdirected, missed direction

Gone

Done

Now, nothing left

Nothing

Void

Vessel

God's hand holding the dust of I am

Holding still

Wanting to live

Wanting to live

Wanting to be naked

Exposed

Distilled to essence

On the ruby red bed

of my Beloved

Exposed, full

Hot, radiant

Wanting to take her Lover

All the way home to God

Beloved, Lover, God

Trinity as One

The sun is setting on the days of healing

Of Crucifying, of Resurrecting

Beloved One

Anakha Shannon Coman

You dear one

Are coming home

Your innocence restored

Life and Living

Holy Ordered

At the new home of your Soul

Anakha, be still in the ashes

Wait patiently for

The Beloved's breath to come

To bring you to

The ruby red innocence

The full woman's radiance

Your essence revealed, restored.

Allow the birth, do nothing, Allow the Birth.

Come all the way.

Thank you to those of you that are witnessing this once in a life time turning into, becoming Love. I am humbled, I am wide open, I am trembling, I am scared and I so want, I so desire to fully make this journey, to be annihilated into Love, to become the holy vessel, the sacred crucible of Love. I, Anakha, the medicine, the elixir of holy, all-consuming, forever transforming Sacred Love. Amen.

Goodnight!

Living As Love

Mt. Angel Abbey ~ A Visit on October 28th ~ The Gateway To Love

"Learning to surrender directly to love is often an agonizing process. You will be disillusioned of your dreams of comfort, security and romance. Every emotion that you have stuffed into your body without feeling fully will emerge for you to re-experience. Years of loneliness and ache will be exposed as your heart unfolds. Yet, when the time comes, you have no choice but to go through this process and learn to surrender as love, receiving and giving the bliss of deep openness with every breath. This bliss is born of your true nature --
an eternal love that cannot be lost."
~ David Deida ~

Caterpillar. Cocoon. Butterfly. Life. Death. Rebirth. The beauty of nature's alchemy. Trees loosing, losing their leaves. Earth dampening, roots deepening. Sky darkening, clouds descending. This living into dying is within each of us as we journey into love. Annihilating the small "s" self, the separate self, to become and to live as Love.

This was...is the intention, God's intention planted in my Soul, "to awaken the sacred heart." The questions, "how do I become love? how can I awaken my sacred heart? how do we nourish one another in love? what is the stigmata of the sacred heart? what is the scent of the sacred?" This intention and these questions sent me into the desert for 40 days and 40 nights and they have submerged me in this dark night, this healing crucible, where all that is not love is being washed away, burned away so that the Love that is my essence, our universal essence can be revealed. Radiant, blissful, sustained and sustaining, eternal, effervescent Love. That is our destiny and destination. We can meander our way along the path. We can hide out in dark corners, cracks and crevices. We can pretend we don't know the way, that we've lost the map. How long will we play like dead fish in this ocean of Love?

This morning I awoke with the monkey mind running...what am I supposed to do today...I should know...I should be clear...I should...I should...I should...job, work, business, run, yoga, write, yikes!

I have a job. A full-time commitment and full time employment. That job, that commitment is to live as fully and as deeply and as expansively this awakening into sacred love. To use every moment, every interaction and every challenge to expand and awaken love's presence within me and within others. This is not a job for the faint at heart or for those seeking external benefits and immediate gratification. There are no 401K plans, stock options or medical benefits. The blessings and the bliss of Love are inherent and encoded in the journey and yet annihilation and crucifixion are included on the itinerary. There are stops and respites along the way, yet love's fire is all consuming and it desires to swallow us up, to use us completely until we at last surrender into our one true purpose to live as love.

This is where our bliss lies...not in loving someone or something...not even in following our dreams...but in surrendering to and living as love. For in that living and in that loving we are breathing love...inhaling love's presence...exhaling love's scent. We live in love's rapture and love's energy flows through our hearts, our bodies...we light up like beams of beauty.

This is my destination. This is our destination. We are all on the journey. We are all on the Love train.

Today I wake with the soul, sole intention to love, to live as love, to allow love to unfold me into the next divinely human expression. I am in the goop of the cocoon. Imaginal cells are converging, new life is preparing to break through the cocoon. The butterfly within me will be freed, is being freed. Natural alchemy. Sacred Healing. Love's arrival is on time, in time, every time.

Go forth Beloveds, go forth and live as love today, each moment, each breath bring your attention to this intention...feed Love with your Life Force, open and receive the bountiful Christ Force. Discover parts of your body, your mind and your heart that are resisting this surrender into love and breath them, be with them, hold them until they surrender at last into the bliss of naked heart living, ecstatic heart loving.

I am. Amen.

Cast Me Gently

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a
Place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight
If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
'Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all burned out
You'll still be burning so bright
Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind

~ Sarah McLachlan ~

The night has been unkind. Parts of my life and my living have been unkind. I am awash in the sea of grief, swimming in the ocean of the Dark Night. I know this territory of the soul's sojourn. I have been taken here before, held under by the Divine's hands. This is the God's handiwork in motion over the land of my Soul, my heart, my life.

I notice that I have been avoiding this blog -- managing what I think is "appropriate" or not, what you can handle, what will be acceptable. God forbid I be too much, too raw. She's lost her mind...over the edge...gone too far...well, it is all true. I am over the edge...spilled open...heart ripped open, chains flying, debris everywhere, my naked heart exposed grieving, crying, gasping for breath. Can she emerge, will she emerge from this spiritual madness, the raging fires of purification?

I am undergoing a soul resurrection. Pieces of me re-assembling, masks stripped, mechanisms undone. I am unraveled to the core...bared to the bone. The most vulnerable parts exposed. Self-worth, value, purpose, body image, ability to sustain...to succeed. I am drowning in self-doubt. I am experiencing the full magnitude of the wound. Like the Star Ship Enterprise flying directly into an unknown dark...I am facing the shadow, the sacred wound. I am in it fully...and I am standing still...no running, no fixing, no crying...just a full and present experience of deep terror, deep grief, deep doubt, deep....deep unworth. I will be present to this dark night...I will fully experience the nightmare so I can fully live the dream. I will penetrate the energetic prisons that have kept me small and quiet. I was so small...I had to be quiet. It was life or death back then. I had to save my mother, I had to save myself. Now, I let be, I let go and I allow the Divine Healer to save me, to salve me...to bring me into salvation, wholly, holly resurrected. I am becoming whole in the madness of this dark, damp murk. I cannot see, I cannot hear, I can only feel the fire raging in my heart...God is allowing me to burn, burn, burn. I am dying...soon I will be dead, nothing left of the former self...no trace. And then, silently I will be breathed again by the Divine Holy Spirit, breath to ash. I will rise one more time.

I am tired. I am done fighting. I am scared that I won't make it through this and yet I am assured that I will. I know that I will. This was my intention...to live the full awakening of the sacred heart. This terror, this pain, this deep grief must have been felt by Yeshua as he lay there on the cross, betrayed, beatened, crucified, mocked. "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do." To fully open to Love's presence, to live the Sacred Heart...we must journey into the Dark Night, we must be willing to be crucified, to be pierced, to receive the Stigmata of the Sacred Heart. Then and only then will we carry the Scent of the Sacred. Then and only then will we be transformed into Love, by Love.

Waves of grief flow through me. I was so young when my stepfather raped me. Stole my innocence. Traded my beauty for his sickness. He played his part perfectly...stealing my soul...setting up this time when I would dive again into the mystery to retrieve the lost and rejected parts of myself. It was eight years ago that the memories, emotions and flashbacks began. They started after an intensely focused time of healing from an eating disorder and spending several years in deep personal awareness and healing work and undergoing deep neuromuscular body work.

I thought I was done with that. I was wrong...there was more...the core root still in place...poisoning my existence, tainting my living, squelching my loving, suffocating the radiance, constricting my voice, darkening my presence. This root has been pulled up. Now a gaping hole remains...all of me reeling, grieving, stripped again. I want this...I want this badly...I want to have this fully eradicated, to be crucified so that I can rise again in Truth. I want my life to be free, forever free of the imprint of this heartbreak, this soul rape. I want it over and done.

I have so much living to do, so much loving to do. I want to emerge and take my place in life as the mystic, artist, lover and healer that I am. I want to do this with gentle strength and powerful humility. I want to offer what I know to those that come after me, to those that walk with me and to those that came before me. I want to bring my gifts fully forward, to offer them with radiance and to receive abundance.

I deserve this. I have paid the price. I have taken the journey. I have surrendered completely.
Now it is my turn. My turn to thrive, my turn to love, my turn to receive, my turn...It is my turn. I deserve this. I can do this. I will do this. I AM doing this now.

Please do not worry for me, do not attempt to save me. I don't need saving or fixing. The Divine is in control and no harm can be done. This is what it looks like Beloveds when you surrender fully and ask the Holy Spirit to come have its way with you...to fashion you into love. It is not child's play...as Rumi says, "Love comes like a madman, wielding a knife."

Please pray with me during this resurrection. Please hold the space for life to begin anew. Keep watch with me, keep watch and pray, the Pentecostal outpouring, the descending of the Holy Spirit is just days away.

I am love spilling over, becoming sacred life. I will make it through, I know like I know like I know...that this time, I will come all the way home Beloved, all the way home to you.

I love myself, I love you. Thank you for bearing witness. Thank you my Beloved Community. Amen.
xo,
Anakha

Holding Space

I am sitting with Nichole after a very long day...wondering what to blog about. So much has happened today -- inside, outside. I look over at her on the other couch and say, "to blog or not to blog?" She looks back and says, "holding space." Hmmm...okay. "That's what stands out for me about your day Anakha," she says. Alrighty wise one...holding space it is!

Nichole and I were up early this morning and at the Multnomah County courtroom by 8:30 a.m. She had a "lapse" in her sobriety over a month ago -- a weeble wobble in her recovery, a momentary glitch and because of her restricted sentence she had to appear before the judge. The question -- would the judge send her back to prison for 3 years or would he keep her on probation? This is the question she has been living for the last 4 weeks.

The cool and oh-so-outstanding thing about Nichole is her razor's edge integrity. She had over 2 years of sobriety when she found herself alone, packing up her mother's belongings late one Saturday night. Her mother had relapsed and was in jail. Nichole was showing up to take care of her mother's "stuff" -- a lifelong pattern that started the day she was born. She went to the jewelry box to put some of her mother's favorite earrings away. When she opened the box and looked inside she found a pipe and meth. She walked away, she walked back, she walked away, she walked back. She got high. The next day she rode the MAX back to the YWCA and told her case manager what she had done. She called her parole officer, her support network...she called me. She lost her transitional housing and has been living with me ever since.

So there I was, 8:30 a.m. seated on a bench in the courtroom behind Nichole and Suzi, her parole officer --holding space. The judge walks in and begins to read case numbers...I hear him say "The State of Oregon versus Nichole Nicholson." Sounds heavy, although he looks like the sort of man that would be a loving father. I hold my breath and glance at Mike, Nichole's boyfriend. He looks anxious...scared.

I turn back to look at the judge. He looks out from his bench at Nichole and says, "you called this meeting, I'll let you start the conversation." My mind does a double take while my heart registers the miracle. Meeting? Conversation? What happened to the hearing? My heart lurches and I look at Mike, my face scrunches up and I start to cry. Tears stream down my face as the emotions flow with the realization that this judge is here to listen, to be open. Our prayers have been answered, our intentions manifested. I realize that I have been holding the space for a miracle in this young woman's life for the past month. I have been holding her intention, releasing attachment, and opening a space for grace -- for a miracle, for another opportunity to begin again. At the end of the "conversation" the judge signs a paper and declares, "probation continued." Nichole turns and looks at me with a big smile and says, "I'm free!" Yes Nichole...you are free. The tears continue to come as waves of relief and joy and gratitude flow through me.

Holding space. Holding space for healing, for grieving, for becoming, for transforming -- for possibilities, for miracles, for new beginnings, for radical change. My naked heart holds space for it all.

I found this quote about holding space tonight...

"To hold space is to rest in the chaos that is darkness;
a darkness that represents a vast field of unknown potential.
It is this field that you are inviting to hum. From this field
understanding will blossom, light will emerge, possibilities will grow."

I am holding space in the chaos and in the darkness of my life...I am inviting the Divine Hum into this sacred turning and becoming. I see new life blossoming filling me with light...growing the seeds of possibilities I planted so long ago. My life is a constant becoming...I am the space, I am the holder.

I will be still and know that I am...I will rest in the chaos. I will trust in the creative process of life, death and rebirth. I will hold space for you Beloved. I will hold space for our collective becoming.

All love,
Anakha

Raw Beauty

exposed, nowhere to hide
everywhere
all of me
spilling open
spilling over
heart pounds
mind races
how do i go back?
where are the pieces
of that finely crafted
wall?
can i pick up a few,
stick them back in place
for awhile?
can i run, leave...
abandon and abort
the mission
my soul is aching
to be free
liberated
from the constriction
of this world
this body
this mind
free to go
free to fly
free to be solo
solitary
quiet and inside.
like the pomegranate
split open
all revealed
for you to see
too much
too open
i am unraveling
from the inside
no place to hold
no place to cling
no one to anesthetize
my terror
of living
out of control
vulnerable
longing
loving
i am a beautiful
passionate
soft
wholly
holy woman
birthing self
creating life
one breath
one breath
one breath
at a time.
shell cracked open
raw beauty exposed
i am the naked heart.
i am.

Naked Exposure

I am feeling raw and open this morning, exposed and naked. Vulnerable. My message yesterday at Unity of Corvallis focused on opening and revealing the true self to ourselves and to the Divine. The pomegranate laid open, naked on the altar of God...every succulent seed exposed to the power and the presence of Divine Love. The pomegranate's seeds are seeds of the true self -- longings, desires, needs, dreams, pains, secrets, lies, failures, fears...all important, all held in the One...many seeds, one fruit. One succulent, beautiful, precious fruit. Evidence of the Promised Land -- we will be freed from bondage and we will be delivered home. We will live the Kingdom...we will experience heaven on earth...we will embody sacred love -- all in God's time.

I feel waves of emotion moving in my heart and belly and mind. The dam has broke, the wall has come down once and for all. The bracing against life removed, dissolved, vanished. A rush of love and tenderness and passion flood my being. I breath and allow the movement to deliver me to a new station within myself. I feel my heart opening, wanting to leap out of my chest. I want to be held, touched and seen. I want to be loved, adored and caressed. I want so much from Life and Love. I am a tender bloom, blossoming in her own time, possibly out of season...but who cares. I am the sacred heart awakening and I am true love blossoming.

After yesterday's service I sat with Rev. John and Gene and the conversation turned to reconciliation, responsibility and amends. Through our conversation I became aware of how my over expressed masculine energy has been hurtful and at times abusive to those around me. The primal fear instilled in me during the early years of my life has been a part of my nervous system, the program...protect yourself or be killed. As my mother has come forward to claim the power that she abdicated, I am freed to let go, to come undone and to allow the Sacred Feminine energy to rise and inform and infuse my cells, my being, my responses, my vision, my relationships -- my life. The Goddess of Love, Aphrodite, Kuan Yin, Magdala, Mother Mary -- they are within me and they are rising today.

I have laid it down...the burden of protection, of control, of over exertion, of force. The dam has broke. The water flowing. My heart opening. I am feeling out of control and yet deeply rooted. I am coming home. I am here now open, loving, receptive, giving, flowing.

I feel tender, precious and a bit scared of how this will be to live so unguarded and open, present and truthful. How do I live without the walls, without the abuse of power, without the manipulation, without the hiding, without the secrets...without...without.

How do I live the Naked Heart life? How can I give and receive true love? How can I embody radiant love? This is my assignment...this is my " 24x7 job"...this is my book, my speaking and my teaching. To awaken the heart, to arouse ecstasy, to teach sacred intimacy and to embody radiant, Christic Love.

On March 19th, 2007 I sat on the veranda of our condo in Maui and made this entry in my sacred heart journal:

"I am ready God! Bring me the fire of the Holy Spirit -- engage my Soul, ripen the fruit, use me to serve the sacred awakening. I am coming alive with the heat of the Holy Spirit, opening the mysteries of the Sacred Heart. Love melting into love, mystical marriage, sacred union."

Three and a half months later I entered into the 40 day retreat with the question of "how can I awaken my sacred heart, what is the way?" It has been 2 months since I emerged from the retreat. During this time I have been "required" to address with courage and clarity, situations and challenges in my self and in my life that I had not been able to address until now. My deepest and most fortified core issues -- the symptoms and the roots have been uncovered. And with as much Love for myself and others, I am spinning them, God is spinning me, into wholeness. Divine alchemy romancing the stone until it releases the diamond. This is the Dark Night of the Spirit...I am being uprooted, replanted. My new roots are just beginning to take hold in this nurturing soil of Divine Love. I am precious, fragile and I am strong and resilient.
I am God's flower. I am a sweet pea. I am a radiant orchid. And today, I am home.

I am falling in love. This Naked Heart journey that begins today will take us into the most precious and the most intimate and the most ecstatic and expansive and exotic and erotic and beautiful territory of the Kingdom. Our destination -- the Promised Land. The price of entry -- like the pomegranate laid open on the altar of God -- we must reveal and surrender all of our selves, all of our living to the One.

I am mad with Divine Love, I am crazy for my Beloveds, I am the Naked Heart living.
Come disrobe, dismantle, disarm, dissolve with me. LEt us swim in the ocean of sacred love. Let us breath in ecstacy. Let us birth a new mankind.

Amen. Anakha


From my Beloved Rumi:

Companionship With The Saints {Mathnawi I: 716-726}

The sword of spiritual protection is in the armory of the saints; for you, meeting them is the alchemical elixir.

All of the wise ones have said this same thing: the wise man is "a mercy to all the worlds."

If you buy a pomegranate, buy it laughing and open-mouthed so that its laughing may give information about the state of its seeds.

Oh how blessed is its laughter, since it is showing its heart by means of its mouth, like the pearl of the soul from the open box of the spirit.

The laughter of the tulip was not blessed, since the blackness of its heart was revealed by its mouth.

The laughing pomegranate makes the entire garden laughing; likewise, companionship with spiritual men makes you one of such men.

Even if you are a hard rock or marble, if you come to the presence of a lord of the heart, you will become a jewel.

Put love for the pure ones into the midst of your spirit. Don't give your heart to anyone except in love for those who have joyous hearts.

Don't go into the lane of hopelessness, for there are still hopes. And don't go in the direction of darkness, for there are still suns to rise.

The heart draws you into the lane of the people of heart, but the body draws you into the prison of water and clay.

Take care, and give food for your heart from the company of a sympathetic friend. Go and seek coming near to the goal from one who is advancing first.

Outrageous and Contagious

Buy the pomegranate when it laughs —its laughter reveals the secret of its seeds.
The garden answers the laughing pomegranate with bloom;
In companionship with the friends of God

you will bloom as they do.
~ Rumi ~

I am pregnant with unmanifest possibility...I carry the 613 seeds
I am the promise of the pomegranate
I am Mother, I am Mary, I am the womb of infinite Love
I am the fruit that nourishes the soul
I am the sensuous she
I am the swimming tides of the sacred erotic
I am the Divine Feminine rising
I am the oceanic awakening
I am the resurrection and I am the ascension
I am the holy fire descending
I am the honey sweet nectar of Christic Love
I am the union and I am the offspring of Yeshua and Magdala
I am a new world order birthed and birthing
I am Beloved union, I am dissolving separation
I am the many, I am one
I am here now
Anakha Shannon Lee Coman
Safe
Innocent
Whole
Alive
Gathered
Grounded
Grown
Glowing
Radiant
Sacred
Sensual
Exotic
Erotic
Exposed
Wild
Free
Woman
After 40 years in the deserts of crucifixion,
she is poised and ready to live the outrageous and utterly contagious
Glory of the resurrection.

Shall we begin?

The Truth Will Set You Free

And then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. These words of Beloved Yeshua are streaming through my mind tonight as I face myself in this blank screen. "Truth-confessions" flood my awareness. I have lived lies within lies. I have been a master of deception, a mistress of hiding. I am breaking through structures of denial and tearing down walls of illusion. The split that has haunted me is dissolving, disappearing. It has dissolved. It has disappeared. I am returning home. The carefully crafted moat designed to keep you out, to keep life at a distance has been replaced with a bridge. I am walking across that bridge. My NakedHeart has been...is being...will be revealed.

Disrobe.
Disarm.
Dismantle.
Dissolve.

I have denied the truth of who I am. I have denied the truth of the past. I have lived an illusion that I could heal my family by holding the truth at bay...by sucking another's sickness into my life and attempting over and over again to heal it. Those lies and illusions are breaking down, like the leaves falling from the trees, they are flying away.

This is what I know for certain...whatever we withhold, whatever we keep walled off, whatever we hold in secrecy is kept from God's power and presence and purpose. The miracle of Divine healing, intervention and intention cannot penetrate our decision, our choice -- we are co-creators with the Divine and we have been given both the gift and the burden of choice. Unless our faith grows stronger than our fear, unless our desire to stand in Truth grows stronger than our fear....we are destined to live in the prison of distortion, disruption, disillusionment, division, distraction and dishonor. Unless we surrender every aspect of our lives to the Divine, to Truth, to Radical Honesty...we are destined to live a "less-than" life.

To fully step into and embody our Greatness, our Magnificence, our Radiance, our Sacred Purpose...we must know the Truth. And that Truth in turn will set us free.

What is revealed is instantly healed.
What is revealed is instantly healed.
What is revealed is instantly healed.

Truths are being told in my family this week. My mother is coming forward to stand ever so beautifully and gracefully in her power and in her clarity. She has resurrected and reclaimed her presence, her voice. She is awakening the spiritual warrior that has been buried deep inside; finding her commitment, her soul intention to bring radical honesty to the structure of deception that has held the family in smallness, in restriction and in fear. She has issued a holy invitation to the Divine to show up, to part the seas, to wake the dead, to set the prisoners free.

Tonight I said to my mother, "This is the first time in my life that I have trusted you to lead. I trust your wisdom, your connection and your guidance. I am trusting you and am following your lead." This is freedom for me. Most of my life I have felt a deeply primal need to lead my mother, to protect her...I didn't believe she was able to be powerful for herself, so I held the power for both of us. The distortions in my power are being healed. I am begin freed up to become the woman I truly am.

St. John of the Cross writes about the Dark Nights. The first Dark Night is of the Soul. He likens this to weeding a garden and pulling the tops of the weeds but not getting at the roots. During this phase of healing many of our symptoms are removed, but the core has not been addressed. The second Dark Night is of the Spirit. This transformation is a complete and radical uprooting of that which separates us from the I AM...the "split," the lies, the illusion, the belief in a Self separate from God.

I can feel the roots being pulled up, I am being uprooted. I can feel it in my belly and in my core. An underground tsunami movement is occurring. I struggle with surrendering to this, to trusting fully. I keep thinking I should be doing something. And yet I know that this uprooting, this radical re-ordering is born of and lead by the Holy Spirit.

I need to nothing...I have done enough.

S U R R E N D E R

Beloveds, what areas of your own life and consciousness do you keep separate from Truth, from God, the Divine Healer and Master Miracle Worker? Are you ready to be free? Will you gather your faith into the mustard seed? Will you know the Truth that will set you free?

Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Let go.
Come home.
Pray with me.

Maranatha Anakha

Miracle Change

It is almost midnight and Manasseh just emailed me asking about my blog for tonight. Well my dear, I will follow your lead and make this short and sweet. I am feeling very vulnerable and exposed in this moment, wanting to be held (Jack will have to do).
There are so many ch-ch-ch-ch-changes...radical changes in motion in every arena of my life. These are breakthroughs and breakdowns that I have been praying for for years.
The stars are aligning.
This time I will be relentless and unstoppable in seeing the transformations through.

Truly Beloveds, I don't have words tonight. I can feel the big wave coming, it is rising in my chest...this time I am ready...I will paddle like crazy, I will catch the big one and ride it all the way in.

Through the comings and goings I will remember that God works together for the good of all -- there is no private good. I will remember that God is not a one time God...the sea can be parted, water turned to wine and the dead risen.

Miracles of change are happening in this life and I am grateful!

Amen.

A

Om Shanti, Sat Chit Ananda

When he touches me I clutch the sky’s sheets,
the way other lovers do.
the earth’s weave of clay.
Any real ecstasy is a sign you are moving in the right direction,
don’t let any prude tell you otherwise.
~ St. Teresa of Avila ~

Any real ecstasy is a sign you are moving in the right direction. Can I trust ecstasy? Can I allow it to lead me into new life? Is it my sole, soul guide in this journey into embodied love?

I believe ecstasy is my guide and my guru during this pilgrimage to the sacred heart. Ecstasy is currently my favorite name for God, for the Beloved, for Love. It is the price paid and payment rendered for the Soul seeking deep union with the Divine. Ecstasy is the essence that keeps the Universe, the cosmos, spinning in perfect orbit . It is allurement and adoration. It is a deeply profound allowing. It is ecstasy that is holding me and spinning me into perfect orbit and divine alignment.

Follow allurement, follow adoration...abandon yourself completely to ecstasy and arrive at Union. In Union we are filled to overflowing with a bubbling elixir, the Christ Force, Agape, Kundalini, Holy Spirit ~ Pure Energy. We shake, quiver, breathe, light pours out of our eyes, our bodies relax, our souls hover, our hearts lay open suspended in bliss. The bliss body becomes nectar, sweet sweet manna to feed our lives, to feed our family, to feed the world.

I enter this holy week this Sunday morning with the intention to arouse, to explore and to experience the ecstatic. I donate my living to sharing the love of I AM and to becoming honey wine nectar and to intoxicating my Beloveds with the Scent of the Sacred.

Will you follow the path of ecstasy? Will you rise from the tomb of constriction and resurrect ecstasy from your own radically alive and loving heart?

Beloveds, come this is the way.

I bow down with great reverence and humility to the great ones that have abandoned themselves fully to this path. May they guide us into union and arouse our sleeping souls in ecstasy. May we bring our nectar to the wounds of the world. May we rise in love.

Det haboon had l'had akyana d'ena ahabtekoon.

Om shanti, sat chit ananda.

I Love You All,

Anakha

Full House

The house is full tonight and it feels sweetly satisfying to sit back and watch everyone go about their lives and to experience a sense of family. Tonight I watched as Zachary drove up with his sister Ivy in the passenger seat. I ran out of the house yelling like a crazy woman. He passed his driving test today and this was his first "trip" solo. Gary is home from Tacoma for the weekend. Nichole is also here tonight, playing the Wii with Ivy. She is in the kitchen as I write, making her favorite cheese quesadilla -- a midnight snack! Jack is asleep next to me, wondering when we get to go to bed.

I feel beyond blessed to know each of these beings...each so different, so brilliant in their own magnificence -- holy, wholly uniqueness. Sweetness, my heart is full. Those waves of love just keep crashing down, opening and expanding my heart...my heart is breathing from the inside...

I have known Zach and Ivy since they were 5 and 3...they are now 15 and 17. I met their father Gary when I was starting Vivo Media 12 years ago -- he was our first web programmer. They all are loves of my life. I met Nichole at Coffee Creek. She was the youngest woman in class although she had/has wisdom and integrity beyond her 23 years. She is staying here until she can find safe and stable housing. I get to drive her to work every morning at 6:45 a.m. and retrieve her from the Max at all hours of the evening. I am learning silent, simple service in small acts...shuttling, dragging her out of bed, doing her laundry, not because she expects this...because she deserves it. Nichole was a meth baby...her mother an addict...her father unknown. She deserves to be treated like a queen for once in her life.

A woman at Coffee Creek once told me, "Anakha, you won't be mother to one, because Anakha , you are mother to many." Tonight I am mother to many. I am blessed to hold space for these young people, to witness and support their becoming, their unfolding and their blossoming.

In this home, where two or more are gathered, the I AM, the Love Presence is here in our midst. Thank you God. Watch over these young people, guide them, inspire them to greatness.

Goodnight Ivy. Goodnight Anakha. Goodnight Gary. Goodnight Dad. Goodnight Zach. Goodnight Nichole. Where's Jack?

And so it is. Amen.

Loving Jimmy

I met Jimmy 4 1/2 years ago. He was performing...singing and speaking at the Living Enrichment Center at a Possibilities Conference. He introduced himself to me and a group of friends as we were standing in line for dinner. He had this funky hat on and the most beautiful, soulful brown eyes. I confess I didn't know much about "James Twyman," the peace troubadour.

Over the years Jimmy and I played the hit and miss game of connection, lived the question of who we were meant to be together, pursued, distanced, cat and mouse...long stretches in the dessert. I hit the wall a bazillion times (right Delayne?!) and just wanted him out of my mind and out of my life. I thought we were playing a dead-end game. Every time I made that decision, like one of those paddles with the elastic string and ball...he would bounce back in. We were like those toys...the Weeble Wobbles....weebles wobble but they don't fall down. It always seemed there was something that kept us circling in orbit around one another. A baffling, frustrating, confusing, strange and at times strained relationship.

One night this summer, at the end of my retreat in Ashland, Jimmy, Tara, Randy and I sat leaning in around a small table taking turns facing one another, speaking from our hearts directly into the heart of the other. When it came my turn to speak to Jimmy, I remember saying with tears streaming down my face, "I have loved you and I have hated you and I have felt every emotion in between and now Jimmy, I am so blessed to love you so freely."

Today as I have been writing about disarming and dissolving, about becoming love, my Beloved Jimmy James Frederick Twyman has been pulsing in my heart. I love this person. I love him beyond any expectation of who he could, should, or would ever be for me. I love him beyond any thought of what he will give or bring to or do for me. And now, after four years of hiding, running, and distancing; I have penetrated the veil with you Jimmy. Our relentless returning has paid off. I know deeply and truly that I am on your side forever...on the side of your Soul. I can flow love with you, I can be crazy in loving you without worrying if you are going to freak out...go ahead and freak out...I will be here still...I will love you anyway. I will love you regardless of who you are with, who you are dreaming about, who has your attention now. This love has finally grown beyond the small forms and measuring devices that have haunted us in the past.

I am humbled by the gift you have given me James. I can't quite believe it, truly I am humbled and bow down at our feet honoring our perseverance in love, for not stopping at some surface, romantic vision of who a man and a woman are supposed to be to one another. I praise the Beloved who sent us to one another to learn and to grow beyond...I wonder are you growing beyond too?

Years ago when I was with Vinn, I remember him speaking of this expansive and deep love that he and Anna shared. I couldn't understand it. I felt threatened and small in the face of it. I couldn't, wouldn't expand beyond my idea of a controlling, owning, self-centered sort of love (which I now realize was not love at all, only fear masquerading). Recently Anna spoke with me and expressed her love for Vinn and this time Jimmy, I could begin to understand, I could resonate with the essence of her words. I could silently nod with warmth in my heart and knowing in my eyes.

Today on this beautiful, sunny fall day in Portland...I am here and you are lord knows where, and I wish to honor you Beloved for teaching me, for showing me, for requiring me to grow beyond the small "l" love to the BIG "L" LOVE...thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you for receiving my love, my affection, my compassion, and my seeing so openly and graciously. Thank you for allowing me to experience a rare, exquisite and unconditioned, unconditional love.

With this pearl of experience I can now live this possiblity of expanded and expanding love in my life...I can be a True Lover. Beloveds, today I pray that we all have people in our life that demand that we surrender to the fire, that we grow beyond our fear and find ourselves living fully in Love.

In the words of Miten,

we are awakening
to the calling of the mystic
we are awakening
in the flowering of the heart
everybody here
melting into presence
overflowing effervescence
rising in love

To all of my Beloveds...I love you, I am yours in love and I commit to our forever rising in love.
To Yeshua and to Magdala, who came to show us this way of embodied love, I whisper with tears on my cheeks, "thank you."
Anakha

Always Be A Lover

Wherever you may be, in whatever situation or circumstance you may find yourself, strive always to be a lover, and a passionate lover. Once you possess your heart in love, you will always be a lover, in the tomb, at the Resurrection, and in Paradise forever and ever.
~ Rumi ~

I am in awe with the rare beauty of the naked heart experience. Each day, each experience is conspiring to open my heart, flooding me with love. Wave after wave of tenderness and sweetness roll over me, breakers pounding at the shore of my existence. Deep is calling to deep. My Lover is pulling me down below the surface of the sea into the depths, holding my hand as we slowly descend into the mystery, the dark, enchanted mystery. I am surrendering to the unknown, swimming with sweet shyness in uncharted waters. I am finally and ever so tentatively succumbing to the unguarded, revealed experience that is my life now.

I lack words to express the love that is living me now. In the presence of my Beloved I am dumbfounded, shy and bewildered. When living inside of love, why make feeble attempts to describe love? Just be in love. Just be Love's Lover. No need for conversation...recline, relax and reside in the cradle of the Sacred Heart. Life is rocking me side to side, lulling me into a sweet harmonic rhythm. Familiar and foreign. Relaxed and restrained. There is sweet honey in this rock...romance the stone until it sings for the Beloved. Romance the stone until it surrenders the jewel. Romance the stone until it becomes the diamond.

I am romancing the heart of the Beloved and the heart of the Beloved is romancing me.

Deep calls to deep, I am diving in again to the sacred flow of mystical romance.

Why look like dead fish in this ocean of God?

In the arms of Love I am becoming human.

In the fire of Love I am becoming whole.

In the sweetness of Love, I am becoming a Lover.

Always and everywhere,

and with everyone...

be a Lover.

Deep calls to deep at the sound of Your waterfalls; All Your breakers and Your waves have rolled over me. Psalm 42:7

Beloveds, let us dive deep, let us surface with the treasure on the ocean's floor.
For what we are seeking and what we are craving and what we are loving...
is also seeking, craving and loving us. We live in mutual adoration. Beloved and Lover, inseparable, twisted in a mad embrace, drenched in the Divine.
Deep calls to deep tonight...I will meet you there.

Alaha Huba...In reverence for the Sacred Unity breathing us into love.
Rev. A

P.S. After 7 1/2 years in prison, our Beloved Crystal is free tonight. May this Goddess thrive! Amen.

The Pomegranate Promise

I am silent and still tonight, a solitary surfer resting in the ocean, lying on her board, facing the shore...waiting for the next wave to arrive and whirl her into another round of electric ecstasy, of bittersweet agony, the Divine cacophony transformed to symphony. Life becoming Life. I am receiving respite from the spiraling, whipping and gripping alchemy that has been riding me for the last few weeks. The calm has returned tonight.

I am here now. I am turning inward, diving into God, strolling through the orchards of sweetness that comprise my Soul. I am homeward bound, the prodigal daughter making her way across foreign lands to take her place, her birthright place on the throne of life, in the kingdom of heaven. After forty years in the desert, I hold the fruit, the fiery red pomegranate -- the promise and the evidence of the land of milk and honey, in the palm of my hand. I hold the promise that "being confident of this, that the One that began a good work in you will carry it on to completion" (Philippians 1:6) I am resting in the Promise tonight, I am reclining in God's Love, I am relaxing into the Truth that the work that has been initiated in my life -- my soul's reason, my singular mission -- will be both perfected and completed in God's time -- on time, in time, every time.

Today Peter Manasseh said to me, "So Anakha, you're ready to bust out of your smallness?!"
Yes, Peter I am ripe and ready to transcend my smallness, my puny heartedness, my holdingbackness. I am ready to spill over the edge of my own becoming and allow all the honey rich, milk laden gifts that have been bestowed on me to fall into the mouths of my Beloveds to drench them in the divine, to drown them in love and to ladle spoonful after spoonful of mystical elixir into their parched and dry hearts.

I am ready to become the medicine I am. I am ready to become the sweet soul elixir that I am. I am ready to embody the I am that I am. I am ready to surrender my smallness and with humility and reverence for life...step forward...bust out. This is my prison break, the Holy Spirit both my captor and my liberator, awaiting the time to remove the prison bars and allow me to stand naked and revealed, holy wholly and free.

I am the medicine of the resurrection.
I am the medicine of the resurrection.
I am the medicine of the resurrection.

We will rise again together in sweet innocence.
We will rise again together in ecstatic love.
We will rise again Beloveds, in Holy Matrimony.
We will rise again together, for united we stand, divided we fall.

We are becoming the Beloved Community.
We are finding our way back to the Sacred Heart.
We, the Prodigal Sons and Daughters, are finally coming home.

Ameyn.

The Soul Reason is Love

I am feeling pissy tonight...pissy and pissed off. I know that behind this pissy-ness is fear. Fear of revealing myself, my process and my truth. Fear of having others (myself?) judge, assess, diagnose, analyze and attempt to fix me if they see me exposed, naked and unadorned. I know that this fear of being revealed and seen has kept me hidden for most of my life, wearing different masks and disguises. If people rejected me when I was wearing a mask, at least I knew that it wasn't the real version of Anakha that they were rejecting. Now all of that has changed as I attempt to put forth the truth of myself and my experience day after day, filling up pages not knowing if this is going anywhere and if there will be anything left of me when it is done...maybe it will never be done and maybe I will be completely burned up in the process, and yes that is okay with me.

My friend Aminga said tonight, "Punch it up Anakha, wake us up...keep popping yourself open so we can all pop open." There is a part of me that wants to stop this experiment in unearthing and revealing love...yes it is intense, yes it is immense, yes it is intimate...it requires relating with myself and others in naked, exposed and radical honesty, it requires searching out and removing the barriers and hindrances to Love's presence and flow. This is the crucifixion and resurrection enacted. This is what is required to fully awaken and reveal the Sacred Heart.
This is the question that has driven me for the last 6 months (starting back at Easter, on my 39th birthday), "how do I open and awaken my Sacred Heart...how do I become love?" I was asked today by my dear friend James (London James), "what brought all this on?"

The simple answer is Love brought this on...my desire to live inside of love, flow love, to experience and to become love. My soul's desire to be transformed and transfigured, stripped and revealed, resurrected and risen in a burning, passionate, compassionate flame of Christ's love and to share that experience with others.

This is why I am still here. This is why I am still breathing. This is why I rise day after day to face myself, my life and the blank page before me. This is what has taken me to the desert, this is what has taken me to the deep, this is what is stripping me down, this is what is plunging me into this long dark night of the Spirit and yes, this is what will resurrect me and deliver me safely home. The Soul Reason is Love!

Deep is calling to Deep...I truly want to experience the unencumbered, unbound, undiluted flow of Love in my life, to take root in love, to blossom and overflow in love. I am trusting that the Divine is leading this spiral journey, I am trusting that this time Beloveds, I will make it all the way home.

~A

Return to the Root

How long will you move backward?

Come forward; do not stray in unbelief,

come dancing to Divine Knowledge.

Look, the elixir is hidden in the poison,

come to the poison and come,

return to the root of the root of your own self.

Tonight I roasted root vegetables that I purchased at New Seasons yesterday. I slowly cut up slices of yam, yellow potato, carrot, onion, golden and red beats and added plenty of garlic, olive oil and sea salt and slid them into the 400 degree oven. While they were roasting, I began reading Andrew Harvey's Light upon Light, Inspirations from Rumi. I turned to a writing entitled "The One Thing You Must Never Forget" -- the quote above is an excerpt from that section. Rumi tells us that each and every one of us has come into the world with a particular mission and that mission is our singular purpose -- if we don't enact it, we have done nothing. Even if we have completed one hundred different things -- if we don't complete our mission, we have done nothing. Rumi is extremely and radically unforgiving and unrelenting with this Truth. This is the one thing we must never forget -- our soul, sole mission.

I have done many things in my life, reinvented myself again and again -- I have worn many titles...enacted many roles -- energy management consultant (college), hostess, waitress, PR executive, Intel Marketing Manager, Leadership and Organization Development consultant, Internet Marketing Director, Spiritual Director, Minister, Correctional Transition Specialist...the list goes on and on. And now, on this eve of my 39 1/2 birthday (Gene reminded me today...6 months until 40), I find myself in the mystical madness and the magnificent mystery of what my soul, sole mission on this planet for the next 40 years will be. My friend David and I are spinning in a similar orbit these days...he is also feeling this core stripping and is courting the questions of what now, what will bring me to the fire, what am I brilliantly and uniquely made for, what is this life of mine meant to be used for, what will simultaneously captivate and enchant me and others?

I like what Rumi urges us to do..."return to the root of the root of your own self." I find it fascinating that during my dissolving yesterday that what called to me were all these fabulous root vegetables. I am returning to the root of the root of my own self. Tonight, as I took in the heartiness and nourishment of the yams, onion, potatoes, beets and carrots...I felt myself reconnect and root again. I made a vow to listen deeply and to become fully aware and dedicated to serving the singular mission from which and for which I came. I am extracting and tasting the sweet elixir hidden in the poison. Tonight I rest assured that God isn't done with me yet.

If I "had to name this mission right now"...I would say this...my soul, sole mission is to become love, to remove the veils to love, to re-member love, to express love and to teach love...the embodiment of love...do it, share it, bring it. To experience love in my body...to resurrect the love of the Sacred Feminine and to merge in ecstatic union with the love of the Sacred Masculine. To experience embodied union in, as and for Love.

I think my resume will stand up well for this position, for this ecstatic and treacherous soul mission. I was born 39 1/2 years ago "no veil" and I learned at a very early age how to erect walls, veils...how to hide Love's presence -- I became a master. I have spent the last 12 years resurrecting love...myself, my wholeness, my innocence...the final veils and walls are dissolving...my naked heart is exposing the Love that I Am...and the next 40 years of my life will be to serve this mission...to do it with my waking and my sleeping, my eating and my breathing, my loving and my speaking, my writing and my seeing, in my silence and in my surrender, in my sweetness and in my boldness... all of me here now donated to fanning into flame the fire of God's love.

Beloveds, what is your soul, sole mission...your singular purpose? Why are you still here? Why does God, day after day, continue to breath you into existence? What is the flame flickering inside your own heart that with one breath from the Beloved would ignite into wildfire?

We are all wild fire, waiting to ignite. Beloveds we are the breath of God for one another, we are the voice of courage. Tonight my Beloved Delayne resurrected my courage and confidence with one phone call (all the way from Mexico she heard my cry) -- "Anakha, you are doing the right thing...I can just feel it!" Gene and Lisa also registered my descent into the poison last night...and with their words reminded me to seek the sweet elixir...to remember that I am being birthed, transfigured...that this is the way...the only way is through.

How can we serve one another...help one another give rise and voice and form to our missions? How can we jolt one another awake from our forgetfulness? How can we help one another move on, leaving those places that we have long outgrown?

I want to be present to your fire...to your own awakening to and in your soul mission. I am here to serve your awakening and I am here to support you in living fully your singular purpose. Please let me know this week, how I can fan into flame your call!

Eat beets, carrots, potatoes and yams...enact the rooting ritual and return to the root of the root of your Self!

Let it be so. Amen. Ameyn.

You are more valuable than both heaven and earth.

What else can I say? You don't know your own worth.

Do not sell yourself at a ridiculous price.

You who are so valuable in God's eyes.

Melting Down...Dissolving

Listen, are you breathing just a little,
and calling it a life?...

For how long will you continue to listen to

those dark shouters,

caution and prudence?

Fall in! Fall in!

My eyes are puffy from crying, my heart is stunned with exposure to radical honesty.
Facing the monster inside, reflected on the outside.
I beg, I negotiate, I manipulate...I do anything I can to keep it at bay...
"Just go back to sleep will you, I don't want to face you today..."

We don't get to choose what awakens when we set out to know God...to become Love.
God rouses the slumbering parts,
He'll jolt them awake,
She'll coax them from dark corners.

Am I barely breathing and calling this a life?

Yes, yes, yes...I have been withholding areas of my life from God's healing power and miracle working. I have invested my faith in "of the world" securities, hold-over remedies. I have played small while boasting a bold faith. Incongruent, incomplete in my walking of my talking.

I signed up for Debbie Ford's (www.debbieford.com ) Radical Reinvention 90-day program last week -- this first month focuses on Radical Honesty. All I had to do was sign-up and listen to a recording of the first week's call and that was enough to signal the Divine's Universe and Angelic Cadre to go to work. I think Debbie must have a secret contract with the Universe, a.k.a. "the power of collective intention."

I can see the Angels out there in the graveyard of death tonight, digging up buried lies, suppressed truth, denied grief, untapped joy...a whole cadre of angels...each one has a shovel and is going to town (how do they keep their wings clean?)...digging, digging, digging...digging up parts of myself that have been denied, digging up half-truths and white lies, digging up Anakha...the goop and the glory...the dark and the light, all buried just below the surface. The Angels converse joyfully, oblivious to the "pain and disruption they are causing and the trouble they are making"...they just chatter away as shovels fly and earth moves. If I listen closely I can here one of them say, "if you say to a mountain 'move from here to there, it will move' " --another responds -- "God doesn't tell the humans that every time one of them says that, we Angels end up out here in the middle of the night...shoveling away...moving that mountain."

The mountain is moving...it is moving inside of me...it is moving outside of me. Conditions on the outside are adjusting to the internal movement, the Divine alignment. The ground of my being and the mountain of my life are moving...roots coming up...earth tilling and turning...underground exposure...digging, digging, digging...I am digging for the lost treasure of my life, of my Soul...buried so long ago in the darkness of the mountain.

Tonight numb minded, head throbbing, tear stained face, puffy eyes...I make this prayer...

Yeshua, My Beloved
Move this mountain from here to there...
Move me from where I am to where you want me to be...
Make me a woman of complete integrity...
Help me to live from radical and compassionate honesty.

Amen.

Living a Lie
(from How to Raise Your Self Esteem by Nathaniel Brandon)
I am living a lie when I pretend a love I do not feel
When I pretend indifference I do not feel
When I present myself more than I am
When I present myself as less than I am
When I say I am angry and the truth is I am afraid
When I pretend to be helpless when the truth is I am manipulative
When I deny or conceal my excitement about life
When I affect the blindness that denies my awareness
When I affect a knowledge or ability I do not possess
When I laugh when I need to cry
When I spend unnecessary stretches of time with people I dislike
When I present myself as the embodiment of values I do not feel or hold
When I am kind to everyone except the persons I profess to love
When I fake beliefs to win acceptance
When I fake modesty
When I fake arrogance
When I allow my silence to imply agreement with convictions I do not share
When I profess to admire one kind of person while consistently sleeping with another

Vegan Erotica

I have been avoiding writing this morning...something deep is stirring within me, there is fire in my belly, a very powerful energy pulsating, building and expanding. I sit down to write, check my email several times and respond to a request to speak in December. Okay, now I am ready to face the page, to face you...myself. Insteeeeeeaaaaaad...I quickly click the mouse and find myself at www.freewillastrology.com -- I'll just check my horoscope first and thennnnn I will write. I take a drink of water as the Aries horoscope downloads onto the screen, I take one look as I take a gulp of water down the wrong pipe, water sprays as I choke on the words
"Vegan Erotica."

Aries (for week of October 4th)
Vegan Erotica is a company that sells S & M bondage gear suitable for vegans. Its whips, harnesses, collars, cuffs, and restraints are made of fake leather. So it's now possible for you to conduct puckish experiments with sexual power dynamics and yet not be responsible for harming any animals in the process. This development serves as an apt metaphor for your current astrological omens, Aries, which recommend a paradoxical blend of tenderness and force, a judicious mix of compassionate concern and playful aggressiveness, and daring attempts to pull off mischievous healings.

I am not sure how this fits with all that I am experiencing right now...although, I am sure it does, perfectly. I am feeling a very powerful energy building in my core...it started in my yoga practice as soon as I hit the mat this morning. Sitting cross legged, I began to undulate like the Kundalini snake, moving my spine and awakening the fire. Bam...my cells started to wake up like I have never experienced. An energy I might call rage or maybe primal source energy...I am unsure and don't really want to name or contain it. Each cell began to burn and expand bumping up against some border pushing to break through limits or limitations. It was uncomfortable...like each cell was attempting to give birth and expand...pushing... pushing...pushing. Aaaaah...ummmmmmmmmm...ffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuckkkkk...I couldn't contain the sounds or the energy....it is still moving as I write. Cells in my thighs and arms and feet especially are argggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh needing to break free, my cells feeling claustrophobic in the body...need to be free from the prison of the small body and liberate into the awakened body. My cells are waking up and expanding in my body. Ohhhh...yes, they are waking up and feeling and moving....uhhhhhhh. There is a birth happening within my body and each cell is waking up to birth this new sacred woman...sacred, sensual woman rising. Every cell reaching, stretching, expanding, struggling against membranes that constrict, breathing in they expand and constrict and expand again.

Yikes...what is happening? My belly on the other hand is perfectly content. A warm fire is burning in my solar plexus expanding out and delighting my midsection -- belly...fiery warmth is rising up, creeping up into my heart. My power is being expanded into the heart...my power is being connected to my heart -- oh thank god...yes, this is what I want my power connected and used by my heart. My feet are too small for this cellular expansion...they are wanting to stretch toes stretched out reaching for the sky....Oh my God...what is happening...my eyes are moving dilating, wide open and my head is swirling.

Birthing sacred source energy in the body and in the cells. An embodiment of source energy is occurring breathe and allow, be still -- don't dissipate. This is crazy God...what do I do...where is my midwife? Breathe....breathe...

Are you still with me? Intensity, immensity, intimacy = Soul Grandeur...a life of magnificence...I have spoken these words to 1000's of people by now...and now this is happening in my body...intensity, immensity, intimacy...my Soul is expanding in my body, through my body...oh no...my Soul is coming back into my body.

Can you tell I am writing to you real time...naked...moment to moment...you are receiving raw awakening Source energy today Beloveds. Wow!

My heart is pounding as my fingers clack away at the keys...my body is awakening and liberating my soul from the prison cells. I am breaking free. I am coming home. I am love awakening, I am Anakha Shannon Coman embodied in the I AM.

More later...I am going to drink some water...and breath. Just this morning I felt like I had hit a plateau with this process...writing about the same thing, I said a quiet prayer to God...let me write from the deep today.

Here we go, I feel another surge of the Tsunami coming...grab your boards Beloveds, let's surf this wave together. This is the silent, sacred heart awakening. Ameyn.

Mahalo,
Anakha

P.S. Hey, anyone available to do body work with me...I think I may need some!

Prison Break

the divine has taken me very seriously
my intention is in action
awakening the sacred heart
revealing the naked heart
feeling the collective grief
surfing the waves of sadness
god is pounding me
pulverizing this heart
tearing down walls
throwing off bars
my sacred heart,
my love and my loving
are being liberated
you would think this would be ecstasy
and yes, at times it is
and it is also sweet agony
to be pierced by the Beloved's touch
all of me is talking to all of me now
there are no parts kicked out of heaven
no place that love cannot search out and find
wide open on the altar of the lord
available to the healing touch of the angels
the christed soul
the christed body
the christed mind
the christed heart
let it be accomplished
what an unfolding
some days i wonder if i have the
courage,
the soul stamina,
the perseverance
to withstand this
grand alchemy that is
being enacted on
my naked heart
i am surprised
and then again, not
at how numb
and frozen we can become
trying to make our way
in the world
what happens when we slow the pace
return to the rhythm
sit in the silence
sashe with solitude
what arrives?
who shows up?
i think that is why we are so busy
everyone i know is so damn busy
going here, going there
teaching this, attending that
i find i am holding my breath
waiting to exhale
this frantic pace has its intention
to keep us disconnected
from the power of the heart
the power of love
slow the pace
break open
spill forth
stay open
breath
become still
listen
open
drop in
feel more
and more
go beyond your edge
go beyond your discomfort
breathe
go beyond and feel
and breathe
and release and let go
and come home
and more
breath
and free yourself
and come
now,
return to the land of your Soul.
i am breaking open,
i am spilling forth,
some days i am radiant, ecstatic and pulsing
some days i am sweet, surrendered and flowing
feeling the full spectrum
between fear and love
between sadness and joy
and all shades in between
i am becoming divinely human
this sacred heart is opening
into the rich territory
of sacred love.
I Am.
Ameyn.

Propositioned By God

When we "awaken," do we get to choose which parts wake up?
Or is it an all or nothing sort of contract with the Divine?
Do we get to say, "God, I'd like to wake up today...but let's just let sleeping dogs lie?"
I am begging You to let me wake up,
but please don't touch any area that is uncomfortable
and will make me squirm,
will send me packing and heading for the door.
Wake up my Glory, but don't you dare touch my gloom.

I don't think we get to choose Beloveds...
somewhere along the way our Souls said, "yes."

When we set out to know God, to become God
we surrender ourselves fully to this grand alchemy
and no part of our lives and our living,
our Soul and our being go untouched.

It is said that the difference between you and I
and the great saints and mystics, is,
when faced with a radical change, a core transformation,
the saints and mystics say a whole-hearted yes to the Divine.
They disrobe and say to their Lover, "take me, take me fully into you."
You and I on the other hand most often say,
yes I want love, yes I want passion, yes I want purpose...
but I want to stay in this job even though it is killing me to do so,
and don't mess with my relationship even though we are sleepwalking through it,
and oh yeah, my finances are definitely off limit.

We attempt to negotiate the nonnegotiable.
This half-assed bartering is of this world,
it is inconceivable to the Divine.

I either want to awaken or I don't.
I am either willing to undergo this transformation or I am not.
I will offer all of my life to the fires of the Beloved's Heart or I won't.
It is that clear for me today.

I am willing to offer up all areas of my life and my living to the Divine.
No, this is not some ego-driven, see how cool I am kamikaze sort of vow.
I am scared and I am shaking and I will not go back, I cannot go back.
I am suspended between the old and the new,
nothing to hang onto
and yet I see terra firma in the distance.

I have just enough faith in the Divine
and in the perfection of God's Universe to let go.
To experience the full range and let go.
Breath...deep, long, soothing, restoring breath

I do not get to withhold from God this time.
The "law" has come down.
It has been written.
It is an all or nothing proposition.

Bring forth what is within you
and what you bring forth will save you.
Do not bring forth what is within you
and what you do not bring forth will destroy you.

Take me God...all the way home to you.
Amen.

This Girl is Super Freaky

I freaked out today. Today was day #1 of my committed writing practice. Natalie says to make a schedule and stick to it...day after day...show up to the practice and over time a structure for your book will make itself known...the internal will reveal itself in the external. I have been blogging to connect with my true voice, to write naked and revealed and to do so in your midst. I am so grateful to those of you that tune in from time to time to read. It is an exhilarating and vulnerable experience to reveal so much of my nakedness and to not know for certain who is reading these sacred ramblings and how they interact with their own inner heart experience. I hope and pray that my own unfolding into love serves and nurtures and nourishes your sacred heart.

Today, after a 2 1/2 hour session -- I wrote 4, 614 words about "disrobing" -- I found myself exhausted and wanting to lie down. Once I did I went spiraling into a place of raw exposure. I am exposing myself to myself. Through this naked, deeply present writing, I am penetrating the veils and I am meeting myself. I am piercing through to my heart...I am engaging in this intimate relationship. I feel overwhelmed by the magnitude of what is taking place in this simple act. After years of study, spiritual work, dance, art, bodywork, breath work, process arts, therapy, workshops...blah blah blah blah blah...I have never experienced anything like this before. It scares me more than anything ever has. I am confronted with myself. I am asked to be fully present, deeply awake, embodied and connected to my moment to moment experience. I am urged to dive into myself and extract the sweetness, the bitterness, to taste fully and transcribe first thoughts -- my naked heart experience.

Natalie says that even though we say we long for intimacy, the truth is we cannot bear it when it arrives at our doorstep. We need to build our tolerance for intimacy. We think of intimacy, closeness as something good. We can't get enough. But in truth we fear we'll disappear. Closeness means annihilation. Annihilation is awakening. In this intimacy we are annihilated, and in the annihilation lies our awakening.

Today I touched upon a virgin part of my self, my psyche, my soul. I was scared, I was overwhelmed. The monkey mind kicked in and start adding it's .02 cents. Jesus, Mother Mary, Holy God, Angels and Archangels...you better come quick I am freaking out here. And then one by one they came. You may think I am being overly dramatic right? What could Anakha possibly be talking about? This is what I think. No, this is what I know...the reason we get so triggered in relationship and why so much shit comes up to deal with is because we finally meet ourselves, see into ourselves, in the presence of the other. We get to see (if we are awake) our fears, our false selves, our manipulation, our longings, our desires, our sadness, our constriction, our desperation...we experience what Anna Marti calls "challenging material" -- emotions of anger, jealousy, fear, sadness...and on and on. What we don't remember or choose to forget, is that this challenging material has been within us all along, and it is being coaxed to the surface by the mirroring, eliciting presence of the Beloved before us. It is the same with writing, faced with 2 hours and a blank page before me and nothing other than my naked experience and the now moment, I get to see what shows up, who shows up...it is the same with sitting meditation. In this practice I become engaged in intimacy with my self. Dive deeply enough into writing and we will penetrate the veils that separate us from our true selves. We will become annihilated in this process, this is our awakening.

In the midst of this freak out melt down bewilderment, the angels showed up...an email from a congregant at a church I speak at, thanking me for allowing him to watch my experience. He captured so beautifully my experience right now, I love that he understands this is an expansive Love. "As I read it feels like you are in love… In love with the experience, with all that there is. In love with yourself (in a non-ego way). Or another." A voice mail from Patriciafaye, telling me she is loving my "christings" -- that she has created a folder for them and is saving them -- "this is the beginning of your book, right Anakha?" One by one, little messages here and there arrive providing me with courage to face another session, to become intimate again with my interior.

I am humbled, honored and tender tonight. There is much, much more to share and I will rest and let be for now. Remind me to tell you about "the decoys and the true self." Thank you for keeping watch with me.

Big Love,
Anakha