I sat across the table from my younger brother Andy (Coman) yesterday as we shared a meal at our father's favorite Mexican restaurant in Bend -- Andy reminded me that he had eaten dinner there with our Dad the night before he died...just a little over 2 years ago now.
It was a beautiful and odd experience to sit with him and be so reminded of myself. I didn't grow up with Andy and yet in many ways he is a twin soul. Looking into his eyes I see the depths of the mystic, the artist...the wounded soul that is resurrecting. I see a young man seeking the real...the authentic...not buying the party line. I see my brother...who loves Jesus in his own way and I see how we both find respite in the arms of that unconditional, all encompassing love. Andy is my brother, I know that just like I knew that my Dad was my father...something about being in their presence helps me to know and to see more clearly who I am.
At some point in the meal, I made a reference to the scripture: "for when I am weak, I am strong." A little while later Andy said, "thy grace is sufficient for me." And today as I looked those scriptures up I am amazed to find them in the same verse.
"`My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'....
When I am weak, then I am strong."
(2 Corinthians 12:7,9,10 NIV)
When I am weak, then I am strong. I believe that today, because that has been my experience lately. The more unraveled, undone, revealed, blown open. distraught, disfigured, un-together I become...the more naked and vulnerable I am...the more my life moves forward, the more my life operates in alignment with Divine Will, the more room for the strength and the power and the presence of the Holy Spirit. This is new for me...Anakha undone, irresponsible, look good gone and yet in some strange way I think I must look better than ever. The false front gone, the plastic mask discarded, I stand revealed in the truth of who I am, or at least more truth than I have ever allowed myself to see, to be, to show. I am letting go of the need to know, to look good, to have it together, to be pretty, thin, attractive, to get it right, to be attractive, successful, healed, whole. I am done striving to get anywhere, be anything other than what I am moment to moment. And some part of me, acutally all of me, thinks....no KNOWS that that is going to be pretty damned amazing. I know most of you in my life are probably exhaling and thinking Thank God. It must be exhausting and somewhat difficult to be my friend at times. The constant push and trying to figure it out. Relax, surrender, let go. I realized last week that I don't really know how to relax. Even when I lay down I notice my body still trying to hold itself up, together, in. I am done trying to hold myself. Hold myself up, in, together. Done. The Beloved can do that now. I have better things to do with my time than attend to my selfness. I want to crawl into the arms of the Mother and let go...I want to crawl into bed and relax, sleep, love. I want to breath deeply and fully. I want to exhale long and deep. I want to trust, to have faith, that everything that I have longed for, everything I have wanted to give to this world is coming, is here, is happening, is done.
I am weak and the Presence of God is strong. I know very little and I can see very little right now. Yet I am a Lover of God. I seem to know the movements of the Soul...or at least recognize the patterns. I hear the voice of God constantly and am guided by my Beloved Yeshua and for these gifts and consolations I am eternally grateful. My voice is inspired when I surrender and let myself be played, strummed, beaten like a drum. God is using me in this radiant heart awakening. I am medicine for awakening in love. There is nothing for me to worry about...just write the book, speak the words, heal the hearts, rouse the dead.
Today I stayed in my sweats all day and attempted to relax and do nothing. My body has been screaming at me in its own way to "stay off my feet." I am doing my best to be.
What I really want right now Beloveds is to rest, to play, to be and to let this beingness, this radiant heart presence to magnetize to me everything that is in the highest good to come to me, to be used in my life to make love, to make art, to make money.
I am grateful for this breaking open into love. I am grateful for being pierced by the sweet agony of grief. I am grateful for the humility that has come from seeing how many people I have hurt by my slumber, from my fear, out of my pain. I am grateful for my failings and my mistakes. I am grateful for the courage that arises and allows me to be plunged into the Dark Night. For in this place the Divine is freeing the imprisoned brilliance and splendor that lives in my soul.
I am freeing up my inheritance, I am living the Kingdom.
I am a trillionaire of love.
I am, are you?
XO,
Anakha
P.S. I hope to be back into regular blogging soon...it seems to be a challenge to get back to it after taking days off. The wifi connection will be live at the house on Friday!
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3 comments:
I would say that it's been a privilege to witness "Anakha undone" -- to see you registering, and beginning to trust, all the power, beauty and utter goodness residing beneath any props or artifacts.
To feel your courage as you've sloughed off your old, spent defenses.
You're right on track now: relaxing, trusting, surrendering, fully relaxing...
Thank you for the yummy meal... that was good eats. I feel nourish. Now, I get to feed you.
The Perspective from Down the Rabbit Hole:
This post is itself a testiment to its own content: it's amazing what pours through you on your "down time," when you're unravelled and limping, as I know you have been.
You're operating in a new reality. I know how very little time you actually spent on this one, and it just comes through...clear and uplifting -- ala your sermon in Bend yesterday, from what I hear.
...it may be time to offer your "flock" an MP3 of that one when you get the CD.
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