Profound Nothingness

I was standing in line at the locksmith's this morning with Jimmy, waiting for keys to be made for the new house. He picked up a magic eight ball (you remember those black spheres we used to play with as teens?!) and asked it, "will The Moses Code be wildly successful?" The answer was basically, "you are on a need to know basis and right now you don't need to know." I pick it up next and silently ask myself if my writing and speaking are going to take off this year...the answer "decidedly so." Or something to that effect. I smile and Jimmy starts whining, "how come I didn't get a better answer?" I don't know about you Jimmy, but I certainly am needing some help in the faith department right about now.

I am grateful for several signs from the universe I received today that are telling me to hold on, hang in, and preserve. I awoke this morning with an overwhelming sense of grief. Last night was the first night that I slept at the new home and I was waking up in a "foreign land." I felt such a deep, deep loss and an overwhelming sense of being plunged into the mystery, into a void of profound nothingness. Feelings of desperation, desolation and fear flooded me. I remembered the dream that I had woken from...a man in a room with a pad of paper and pencil was interrogating me about my past, my mistakes, my defects, my transgressions. He was asking questions and taking notes. At one point he got up from behind the table and said, I have two other things to ask you about but I will need to close the door.

And then I wake up. Wow am I being worked right now...even my dream life is holding me to this razor's edge of integrity! I should be happy, I think to myself. I should be....and then I remember that this move is more than a change of location it is a radical change in my core...it is about extreme exposure...bringing my mystical vision, gifts, writing and speaking to the world. Everything that has limited me and held me back is being released, has been released. I am reeling with the vulnerability of being thrust into this new reality, this next dimension. This mystic is in action, the sacred is embodied within me. My work in the world is taking off, attracting people and generating love. And I am grateful and I am shaky and I am exposed and I am here, I am one and I am love.

After laying in bed for an hour thinking and feeling and listening to the rain, I hear a break in the rain and decide to put on my running clothes and take myself for a run around my new neighborhood. My body is feeling the effects of lifting boxes, unpacking and hauling things up and down stairs, in and out of cars. My run takes me through the Clinton neighborhood up to 39th and down through the Hawthorne District where I have a rare opportunity to run down the deserted sidewalks...it is early and no one is shopping yet. I stop by Gene's house for some "emergency body work" (my right side is really torqued right now) and a Grape Kombucha.

I don't know. I don't know and that is the truth. I don't know where all this is leading. And I trust or at least I want to trust that I need not do anything, or at least very little other than attend to each moment as it arrives, to trust the unfolding, to know that I am enough, to trust that life will come to me...I need not chase after it. God knows my deepest heart's desires, they were planted there so very long ago...being prepared and nurtured through the years of my life, receiving the extra fertilizer of the 40 days...being prepared to breakthrough the soil's surface and spring forth into new life. I want this breakthrough...I am ready to serve and to put my gifts into play in whatever way will best serve this awakening, this melting into presence, this rising in love, this collective embodiment of radiant love. This is the Second Coming of the Christ embodied in each and every one of us. Please God, please let me serve this Christing in a powerful and palpable way...I am ready, I wanting...I am on my knees...devoted, donated, surrendered...begging to be used well.

I am tired and am running the risk of blogging on and on about nothing. Which is where I am at right now...in a profound state of nothingness. My life and my living has been emptied. I enter the void...the dark womb where creation of new life occurs. I dig deep for my faith...seeing if my anchor will actually find anything to land on as I drop it into the dark and mysterious seas of the Beloved. I am not adrift and I am not rudderless...I am one drop in the ocean that is God. I am here. I am one. I am love.

I am.
Amen.

P.S. I mentioned receiving a couple of signs from the universe today and forgot to share what they were...

1) A couple blocks into my run I look to my right and see a sign in some one's yard that reads
"F A I T H." It isn't a pretty or decorative sign, just some "random" sign stuck in the lawn. FAITH.

2) The 8 ball message "decidedly so" -- regarding my writing and speaking taking off.

3) Jimmy asked me to be in LA for the premiere of The Moses Code...he said, "I'll get you on stage to speak Anakha, I can't pay you, but I'll get you up there...it will be a great launching pad for you." Hay House is promoting the event featuring Debbie Ford, Andrew Harvey, James von Prague and Jimmy...1200 capacity theater...Get ready...3/1/08!