Free Falling

It's quiet this morning. I am sitting alone on the couch looking out at the Columbia River, the sun is shining through the trees, the sky is light blue, a few small clouds linger in the sky. This may be my last weekend here at the Saltzman house -- the Ladd's Addition home will be ready this week. Gary's kids -- Zach and Ivy -- are here this weekend. Ivy is reading a book called Living in Grace. I picked it up Friday night to a section called, "the sin of self-sufficiency." I asked Ivy about what the sin of self-sufficiency was, she answered, "it's when we think we can do it all on our own, without God's help."


Aaaaah, yes that sin! I am very well practiced at that one. I have always prided myself on being super responsible...overly responsible and in that I often forget that it is "my job" to declare what I want, my deepest heart's desires, where I am intending to go and it is the "Divine's job" to attend to the how and the when. I need only listen for the vision the Holy Spirit is moving through me, to catch a thread of the inspiration rising in my heart, to trust the piece of the sand-dollar I have picked up from the ocean's floor, to energize the passion that has arrived and trust that more will be revealed as I move forward in faith.


The sin of self-sufficiency. Sin, to miss the mark, self-sufficiency, to be dependent on the self. How often have I missed the mark when I have held so tightly to my self-made image of self sufficiency, of independence, of being able to do it on my own? The truth is we all need a power greater than ourselves to make it through the twists and turns of this life. We all need a Divine infusion of courage, faith, and hope to make it through the darkness. We all need a belief in a vision greater than our eyes can see to take the first step in faith towards the precious dreams we hold in the deepest core of our hearts.


We all need God, we all need Divine Guidance, we all need one another.


I have noticed that I have been trying to figure out the "how" of my life in my mind the last few days. How this and that are going to work out. What I can do, what I should do....do do do do do do. This mind madness squeezes all the beauty out of the life that is unfolding in front of me. It constricts the flow of creativity in my life and blinds me to the awesome mystery that is arriving moment to moment. I don't have control of my life. I am out of control. The Divine is driving, I am a passenger in the car...shouting my advice...turn here, go right, slow down, watch out for the light. I don't have control. Someone else is driving the car, it feels purposeful this journey, a direct connection from A to B. I want to surrender my attempts to grab the wheel, to appear to myself and others as having it together, a sure-fire plan for self-sufficiency.

I don't have any sure-fire, risk-free plan to present. No PowerPoint slides marked with tidy timelines, deliverables and key results. Gone are the days of Intel and my corporate controlled illusions. I am a freelancer now, working out God's plan in the details of my life. The only sure-fire plan for me today is to be fully present, to listen, to speak truth, to love, and to continuously surrender to the greater vision God is unfolding in my life.


This is what I know today. My heart is opening and softening and I am learning how to love, I am becoming love. I am devoted to this path of embodied love, of Christed love --walking it, sharing it, teaching it, speaking it. I am wanting to experience more intimacy in my life -- with my own Soul, dreams, creativity and inner most depths. I am wanting more intimacy with my friends, my family, my community, my Beloveds. I am wanting to connect in joy and in delight-filled play and to experience life, the full radiance and aliveness of this life we share. I am wanting to share my gifts -- to give, to receive. I am wanting a life of radiant love and ecstatic presence.

I am radiant love and I am ecstatic presence.

I am wanting to write, to speak, to teach about the Naked Heart, about sacred intimacy, sacred passion, sacred union, sacred action. I want this for me, I want this for you, I want this for humanity. Naked Heart living, naked heart loving.


Today I will remember and practice the state and the quality of being called the Naked Heart. I will guard the wellspring of my heart from the madness of my mind and its crazy attempts to convince my heart to doubt, to despair, to constrict, to control. (One of my favorite scriptures, Ephesians 4:23 "Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.") I will surrender to the knowledge and the Truth that God is on the playing field of my life, the director of all things unseen, the driver, the car, the road...the passenger...all God, all good.

Today, I will let my teacher be love itself.
Today, I will let the soft goodness of God guide me
Today, I will let Love create, shape and unfold me
Today, I surrender the wheel, I lean back, look out the window and enjoy the ride?

Where are my red vines?
I am falling love with you.
Amen.