I was up early yesterday, driving with Gene into downtown Portland to attend Nichole's sentencing. I waited outside the courthouse in the 30 degree weather, wind whipping harshly around my face. The extreme frigidity was a foreshadowing. I moved along in line with the others, through the metal detector. Stared numbly at the elevator as the floors lit up as it descended. I arrived on the 5th floor walked slowly down the hall, looking for Judge Fuchs' (fooks) courtroom. The door is locked no one was inside yet. I see Nichole's name on a list hanging on the door. I turn and see a wooden bench...I sit, I wait, I hold my sacred heart journal. J.R. the DA that I have been talking with walks up and sits down. He knows I am not happy about the plea they are offering her. He pulls out a colored coded, plastic chart and shows me by pointing at this chart, how the 55 months is the "right" calculation of time based on her crimes and criminology. I am in disbelief that this chart holds the key, the answer to what is just, to what is called for in her situation. I know he is doing his job, I know he is trapped in a system that he doesn't even fully believe in...I can see it in his eyes, I can hear it in his voice. I can see that my silence and deep presence are unnerving to him. He knows I know.
The courtroom opens and I move inside, sit on yet another wooden bench. The fluorescent lights shine in my eyes. I sit in silence as I watch the players take their positions...the DA, the court appointed attorney (who called Nichole a "tweaker") and the Judge. What kind of game are we playing here? What madness is this? Why can't we have a conscious dialogue and determine a course of action and accountability that will serve Nichole, public safety and justice. There is an intersection of needs...I know this.
The door opens from behind me and I turn to see Nichole being led in by an officer. She is in prison blues, brown plastic sandals with white socks. She looks pale and exhausted. Her arms are cuffed behind her and her ankles shackled. My heart sinks. I want to go to her and put my arms around her, hold her and remind her of who she really is. The officer leads her to the chair where she will face the judge. I stand up and ask the officer if I can speak to her. I am told I can say "hi." Nichole isn't allowed any "visits" while she is in court. I sit back down and Nichole turns her chair to face me. We look into one another's eyes. Tears well up in my eyes. She says, "hi." I say "hi." My heart is screaming. I silence my outrage for her sake or for mine I am not sure...I start telling Gene and David about Jack and his two new playmates Jasmine and Fonzi. Nichole loves Jack. I see her start to smile as I talk about things I know she'd be interested in hearing about. I stop after awhile...it feels so futile...I begin praying...hoping that she has changed her mind and will take the plea. The DA has informed me that if she doesn't accept the plea, he will proceed with asking for 75 months at trial and with her confession...the case is solid.
The Judge, DA and attorney come back into court and the proceedings begin. Statements are made, questions asked...Nichole answers yes when asked if she is accepting the plea...tears streaming down her face, she picks up the pen in front of her and signs the paperwork. I feel the weight of her decision in my heart, in my gut. It would be different if she hadn't confessed to all of it. She would be facing at least 1 1/2 years less time if she hadn't taken responsibility for her actions. But like I said, this young woman is a truth teller...it isn't in her nature to play the game.
Then it is my turn to speak. The DA stands and addresses the Judge...Ms. Coman, one of the "victims" is here and would like to address the court. I stand and walk up to a chair with a microphone...they want my statement recorded. I pause and drop into the silence...no concern for whether or not people will be uncomfortable. I listen and begin to speak...I talk about "deep accountability" and the need for healing what lies underneath the addiction. That simply adding more time to a sentence does not guarantee public safety or rehabilitation...in fact in many cases incarcerating theses women and placing them in a fear-based environment does more to solidify the masking and numbing behaviors. I say what I need to say and then turn to Nichole. Look her in the eyes and say, "I love you and I forgive you and I have compassion for what has brought you to this moment. And I hold you highly accountable for making a new decision, for using this time to get underneath the addiction and understand and heal what drives these choices. I am sticking with you and we are going to have a contract you and I...it is time to draw a line in the sand...a choice point where you leave that life behind and step fully forward into the life you are meant to live now...into who you really are. Let this be the time. You will be 27 Nichole when you are released and there will be so much life to live. Know that I love you and I am here...for the long haul." Tears are streaming down her face as she nods at me in understanding and agreement. I have one last request for the court...I ask to be removed as being listed as a vicitim. As a victim Nichole will ahve a no-contact order...teh Judge agrees and says I won't be listed as victim on these cases.
I turn and walk back to the bench. The Judge looks at me and thanks me for my statement and agrees that what is needed is treatment and healing...and she says there are not enough resources in the community...that the only way to guarantee Nichole attends in-patient treatment is to incarcerate her for enough time to make her eligible for the program. I am baffled...we have the money to incarcerate but not directly rehabilitate?
The officer re-cuffs Nichole and gives her her paperwork which she has to hold behind her back as she walks away. The officer stops and looks at me and says, "Nichole would like you to know that she can't have visitors again until Saturday." I nod my head and look at Nichole...sending as much love to her, through her as possible. Silently praying that she receives deep peace from the Holy Comforter. David, Gene and I walk out of the courtroom and I stand as she walks away...down the long corridor...shuffling along with an armed officer walking at her side. My heart hurts, my head is pounding...stomach nauseous. I turn and walk the other way. Surreal. How did I get here? How did we get here?
I was asleep at the wheel. I knew that Nichole needed a safe place to live and when I moved back in November, I didn't attend to what I knew was so critical for her. I let her go. I let her leave knowing somewhere in my mind that she needed to be in a safe place. I remember the last day I saw her before my move. I dropped her off downtown on my way to the storage unit where I was meeting the movers. I was planning on picking her up later that evening. She never came back...she left all of her belongings at the house for a month before coming to get them. She couldn't face the idea of leaving what had been the safest and most loving home she had ever experienced. I failed her. I was caught up in my own life...and I failed to act on what I knew needed to happen for her. There is a time to allow someone to figure things out on their own and there is a time to show up and act on their behalf, to take a stand. There are areas in all of our lives where we need that kind of support.
When I arrived home yesterday from court there were two letters from Nichole in the mailbox. One addressed to Lisa and Jimmy, the other addressed to me. I opened mine....here is what the second paragraph said...
"Anakha, thank you so much for my prayer. I am reading it everyday, even the comments. I love the cards also. I knew it was your friend's company from when we were at Gary's. (smiley face). Good times. I remember when you were getting ready to move from there and the heartache I had from the unknown outcome of that move. I was so scared to leave there and you. But I felt like I should just ask to stay with you awhile longer or even at Gary's. So I ran from there and left all my stuff. My weird way of holding a connection. Anyways, I am not sure where that all came from. I didn't know how to ask. I am really scared of rejection (childhood) and one of the things I don't know how to handle and deal with."
Tonight my heart is clear that I played a part in the unfolding of this young women's life over the last several months. I see the price I am paying and that she is paying for my own numbing and distraction and self-centeredness. I am aware of the consequences of not acting on love's impulse, of not standing up inside myself and of denying the voice of truth that needs to be heard and heeded. I know there are many ways you might want to convince me that it wasn't my choice, it was hers, that it isn't my addiction, it is hers, that this isn't my life, it is hers...that there is Divine Order...and yes, all those things are true. And there is also truth in saying that too often I (we) look the other way, deny the truth that wants to be spoken, that desperately needs to be spoken, we play nice, not wanting to rock the boat, we stay uninvolved and protect ourselves from the consequences of intimacy....of getting real with what is, of attending to the heart of matter.
I need this awakening...I need to see and own how my inaction causes harm, how withholding my truth in fear ultimately hurts others, and when I lose faith in the unseen solution I fail to act in integrity with the needs of the moment. Yes, tonight I make an amends to Nichole for my self-absorption, for failing to act on what was needed, for abdicating my responsibility, for being in my own fear and confusion about what to do.
I let myself off the hook too easily...attending to my own life and not wanting to fully be aware of our interdependence...what we do, the choices we make and don't make profoundly impact others and the world around us. We can no longer feel okay and justified in attending to the small circle of our own lives without understanding the impact we have on the greater web of connections, the soul of the whole. If I could return to the month of October...I would be awake to this young woman's needs, to the critical point she was at and I would not leave her flail about...looking for some one's couch to sleep on each night, putting herself in situations and with people that would soon lead her into her addiction.
I am hearing Yeshua applaud these truths in agreement that we need to take radical responsibility for our lives and the lives of those around us...to be awake, to see with love's eyes, to act with integrity, to respond with action.
Yes, this is how we actively love one another. Be being willing to stand up within ourselves, to speak truth, to take aligned action based on the integral needs of each moment.
Tonight I vow to remember this teaching Nichole...to make a choice to be awake and aware, to speak up and out, to not let my fears for my own safety and security stop me from saying yes when the opportunity to love others presents itself.
I love you Nichole Dayleen Nicholson. And I will and we will keep on loving you until all the walls around your heart have been dissolved and you begin to come alive in yourself...until you find the way to love yourself...we will hold the dream of your freedom from all that binds and your homecoming to the truth of who you are.
I love you.
I am sorry.
Please forgive me.
Thank you.
Ho`oponopono Prayer
P.S. I received a call from Nichole that afternoon after court...we cried together...she said, Anakha I decided that I am going to feel my feelings, I am going to cry if I need to...I am not going to put on the prison posture and act like this is no big deal. This is a really big deal. And Anakha...I am finally beginning to feel how much you all love me, how much I have impacted you...I don't understand why...I don't understand why people that contribute so much would want me in their lives. But I don't have to understand it...I just want my life to be different now.
The operater comes on 45 seconds left...15 seconds left...we exchange rapid I love you's and she is gone.
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3 comments:
We're dropping down into the nitty-gritty, messy reality of true awakening...beyond fanciful yearnings.
When I go back to November in my own awareness, am struck by the "boxes" encasing each life: this is Nichole's, this is Anakha's, this is my own. Seems like the most normal thing I ever knew.
The tragedy of Nichole slaps me upside the head and gets my attention. Now, I start looking at what the myth of separation does to us less dramatically each day...how we stay in our own boxes, trusting that the other actually knows what the fuck they are doing.
We seem to be in an accelerated learning phase. In the earlier levels, I was learning to trust that another actually does know what he or she is doing...and actively releasing any of my control mechanisms to manipulate outcomes. This must have been on the egoic level...
In the Realm of Love...it's time to fully embrace the realities of Oneness...and to understand that we're pioneers here...we will inevitably err in practicing a Christic way of connection...but it's imperative to not hold back with each other, to not perpetuate the boxes, to continue loving each other through whatever glitches may arise...because we do desperately need each other...to at last embrace the truth that we are...each other.
I've benefited enormously from others not allowing me to languish in my box...especially you, Anakha. Thank you for all the pro-active interventions.
And thank you...sweet Nichole. It broke my heart watching you walk down that hall. Thank you for shaking up so many of our debilitating presumptions...for showing up in our lives...becoming a part of this forming community...taking a place in my heart...and being the gifted teacher you are.
We are all learning to become aware, to tune in, to notice what's occurring beyond the walls of our small lives.
In a world where we are all fragmented, disconnected, separate, it is too much for any one person to bear and shoulder the responsibility. It is up to all of us to come together, to awaken, to pay attention.
And, through this experience, that is what's happening. We are coming together. All those who e-mailed me in support of praying for Nichole during this time. All those who have been holding her in their thoughts and prayers. All those who are writing in support of her. All those who are showing up and paying even a little more attention.
Based on what I know of her from you, at heart Nichole is a leader, one who brings people together in truth. Perhaps that is what she is doing, what spirit is doing through her. Perhaps this is her purpose - to bring people to truth, in community. To wake us up and make us pay attention.
If so, it is working. Her purpose is activated. Perhaps we just needed to let Nichole begin to do her job, in her own way, in her own time.
dear sweet anakha,
tears are streaming down my face. outside I hear the sound of the construction of my sweet house in mexico -- the music, the rocks and bricks being unloaded, the chinking of cement, the sweet voices of Mexico and feel so far away and yet so near by your words, your connection.
I remember those days at Coffee Creek, working side by side with you, sometimes so baffled by feeling like I wasn't doing enough. And yet we knew that just "showing up" was enough. Being reminders to those women of "another" way to be on this walk -- not perfect, not always together, sometimes not even very happy -- but present -- showing up with all the raveled edges, messiness of our own lives. We are always mirrors for each other -- if we can trust to really look. And I know that this is what you are all about. Each of us have been asleep at the wheel so many times. The beauty is in recognizing those moments and forgiving ourselves, not glossing over -- what you call radical responsibility. and learning from these moments. Today you are not asleep at the wheel. and we are not either because you've chosen to share your journey so transparently.
The words you write....
And I will and we will keep on loving you until all the walls around your heart have been dissolved and you begin to come alive in yourself...until you find the way to love yourself...we will hold the dream of your freedom from all that binds and your homecoming to the truth of who you are.
are for you to hear as well. For each of us to hear and to dissolve and become alive -- freedom, freedom, freedom.
I was challenged by a friend at dinner the other night saying "Delayne, what are you going to do when your house is done?" At first I panicked and then truth came out of my mouth, so clearly, when I said, " I'm going to do my art that wants to come alive and I'm going to do everything I can to support, build and contribute to the orphanage in this village". Meme, the missionary who is trying to make this orphanage happen was at the table also. She looked at me with her mouth wide open, astounded, and she started to cry. She knew I was telling the truth. That is my soul contract -- to help the boys in this area who have no one, no where to go, no love in their lives. And each action I take, I will remember to stay awake at the wheel. Each life I touch will touch Nichole's life as well. We are all in this together.
I am touched beyond words with what you, Gene and David have shared about your experience this week. The coldness, the harshness of prison can be penetrated by love and compassion. Slowly with one glance, one statement, one prayer, "the system" gets impacted.
Is there some way Nichol can read your words from last night's blog? She needs to read this, she wants to read this.
All my love is flowing your way today.
I love you. I love Nichol.
Delayne
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