I am awake and thinking of my girl Nichole. Remembering the sound of the prison door slamming behind me...leaving me in a long, narrow corridor with 25 other people making their way to their loved ones sitting behind plexi-glass. I walk down past the women sitting in stalls and at the very end I peer in and there is Nichole. She looks up at me and starts to shake, head in hands, face red and tears streaming. Shame, disappointment, regret, love, gratitude, fear, doubt rush across her face. Dark bags of addiction and sleeplessness and depression hang below her eyes. She is thin, gaunt...the aftermath of meth. She is on the descent from the drug's nasty high, the numb mind, the distorted brain, the crossed wires. She is coming back to reality and realizing the cost of one hit. The downward spiral of addiction and the chaos that she created in 24 short hours.
Yes, the darkness of addiction has cost her her freedom. The DA says 55 months is the best he can do for her. Sit in prison for 3 years and then we'll see if we can get you into treatment for the last year of your stay.
I pick up the phone, she picks up the phone. We look at each other across the way, through this glass wall that now separates us.
"Hello Sweetheart."
"Anakha, I am so sorry, I love you so much and I didn't mean for this to happen Anakha, I mean it...I don't know how all this happened...I mean, I do...but how did this happen?"
"Slow down Sweetheart, breath with me. I love you and it is going to be okay."
"Anakha, you are more of a mother to me than my own mother. You are a mother to me. I don't know why I couldn't receive your love, I don't know why I didn't talk to you. I thought if I could just get stable again at the house, that I could start again with my recovery. I was just so depressed...I hated Christmas...I missed Isaiah...all I want is a picture of my son. I don't even know how his hair is cut Anakha."
"Honey, I love you and I am not leaving you."
This was the gist of the dialogue from my first visit with Nichole several weeks ago at the Multnomah County jail. Since then she has been working with acceptance, forgiveness and looking at all of the decisions and choices she made that put her right back at the center of her addiction to meth. Over the last few days she has been talking with Gene...working through the plea bargain that is being offered...55 months. I am so grateful for Gene and for his fathering energy that he is gifting Nichole with. She has never had a father, she has never had a positive male role model in her life...until now. Gene said to me yesterday, "Well, I have never had a daughter!"
Nichole asked Gene if there was some way she could write every week about her process and her learning and have it sent out over email. He encouraged her to start a blog...to think of a name and we will set it up for her, receive her writings via mail and post them as they come in. She seemed excited to be able to share her journey, just like I am...her journey out of her own prison. You see, we all have our prisons, we are all, if we are honest, still breaking free.
I will be speaking with her attorney, the DA and the judge today to better understand her options. The DA told me that this is the best deal she is going to get...if she goes to trial he will be asking for at least 66 months. I believe her next court date is Wednesday. I will be there to make my statement to the court, to Nichole, to the system.
And this is what I will say....these women that are addicted to meth do not need more time sitting in prison. These women do not need to enter into an environment where fear and rules and punishment reign...where the cold, unyielding masculine holds court. These women need to be held accountable...yes...accountable to their deep healing process...to get underneath the addiction into the core of the wound that drives them to numb, to check out, to disassociate in such an exaggerated way. The deeper the pain, the stronger the addiction. Do not put this woman in prison for 5 years for stealing two cars...require her to spend 2 years in deep treatment and healing. Require her to take her recovery seriously. This will do more for her recovery, for lowering recidivism, for ensuring "public safety" than doing 5 years of time. Simply doing time does nothing. The feminine does not respond to this type of "punishment." It is one of those illusions of control we have instituted in society...we can't control these women, we can't control their addictions...we can offer a radical compassion that holds them accountable and simultaneously sees that what they most need is a way to love the unlovable, heal the shame, learn to take in deep nourishment.
Nichole was a meth baby. She is 23 in age...12 in her development. She took her first trip at age 3...her mother had a lab in their apartment. Her grandmother came and got her just moments before the police raided the house. She spent the next week in withdrawals, her fragile system fried. She raised herself as she was trying to raise her younger brother and sister. Her mom a lifetime addict...pot, alcohol, pills, meth, cocaine, men...you name it.
I remember Nichole telling me one day that at age 19 something snapped inside her. She finally entered into the question, "what is so great about drugs that my Mom would choose them over me, over us?" That day she took meth for the first time, just 4 years ago. That led to losing her son, her freedom...18 months incarcerated.
"I would give anything Anakha, to wake up in the morning again to you doing yoga in the living room and Jack tossing his ball at me as I made my way downstairs to the bathroom.
I would give anything to not have resisted all the love...yours, Gene's, Aminga's, Caroline's, Lisa's, Gary's, Jimmy's, Crystal's. I would giving anything to go back and have chosen to go home with you at Christmas. I really hated myself at Christmas Anakha."
I have told Nichole that I am not giving up on her. That I am in it for the long haul. But, we will have a contract...I told her that I am only willing to "support" her time if she is willing to do anything and everything she can to heal herself, engage her recovery and prepare for a new life. No sleeping her way through (literally and figuratively), no writing male felons...no doing time pen pals. She is in the process of writing her part of our contract.
"Tell everyone I love them and I am sorry for letting them down, for disappointing them, for not being able to receive their love. Tell them if they have assignments for me, I will do them. I will do whatever you say Anakha, 'cause I know you know what I need to do."
For now Nichole I want you to feel, feel all that you are feeling. I want you to feel the love and the support of the community that has adopted you, that have taken you as their own...allow this love to penetrate the walls, the layers and reach your core to support you, sustain you and encourage you as you face this next part of your journey...back behind the walls, the barbed wire...back to prison where you and I first met.
We nicknamed you Spunky. You were our youngest participant in our transformation and transition program. You were the truth teller in the group...you held us all accountable for our actions, for deepening into truth. You held wisdom beyond your years. And when the time came, the class asked you to represent their journeys at graduation as a speaker. I will never forget you in your little black dress, nylons and heels...trying to walk like a lady after years of only wearing sneakers. You did a beautiful job. You are a beautiful person.
I have to believe that the Divine's hands are in this...I know the Divine's hands are in this. I am not sure whose life she saved...ours, hers...through this situation. I have seen Christ's face in this...knowing that she is my teacher...showing me the way of authentic loving...and radical compassion...not the sickeningly syrupy love...but the "I am a radical stand for who you really are and hold you accountable for living nothing less than your very best, sort of love."
I have shared with Nichole my grief and loss of not being able to see her, to talk with her, to share freedom with her. We are like mother and daughter she and I. I am not sure why or how the Divine has arranged this soul contract for us. But in a very deep way, we need one another. We are inextricably tied at the soul level...I have said I will show up to love and nurture you as your mother. She has said, I will show up to require you to love beyond reason, beyond logic, beyond other people's ideas of when enough is enough. I will require you to be relentless in love...to be detached in love...to learn that love is the only medicine that reaches the sacred wound.
I love her. I ask that you love her. She will most likely be transferred to Coffee Creek this week after sentencing. At that point in time I will send you her mailing information, so you can write to her if you feel inclined to engage in this ministry of love.
Until then, I pray for the Divine's intercession into the hearts and minds of the DA and the judge. To make sure that this sentence is the one that brings her highest good and deepest healing into consideration...into the heart of the matter. I pray that I will heed the call if issued to take a stand for her and for all women living in the aftermath, caught in the jaws of meth addiction.
"I want to learn to do yoga this time Anakha. I want to be able to do yoga with you and Crystal and to meditate and run. I always was so jealous...I thought you felt more connected to her because she knew how to do the things you love. I was scared to try, scared I couldn't do it. I am going to try now. I want to do those things too."
She is so precious this one. And yes, for those of you thinking I may have a "chocolate heart" (that is the term correctional officers have for people in the system whose heart's can be melted and manipulated)...I fully realize that this sweetheart on meth is dangerous to herself and to others, that she created an unbelievable amount of chaos in my life. I do not minimize the impact of her addiction and the choices that she made from it. I just happen to relate to her...how much hurt and chaos I created in my life and in the lives of others before I began my healing journey, when I was still in the darkness of my addiction...when I was still running from the pain of the past.
We are the same, we are one. The journey looks different on the outside...it is the same on the inside.
Thank you for letting me have an outlet for at least one part of the story tonight. This began unfolding for me on the 26th of December on my way back from Bend...driving in the snow, playing name that disco tune with my friends in the car...the phone rings...it is Jimmy calling from a plane on his way to Chicago...whispering (he was using his cell phone).
"Anakha, this is Jimmy. Nichole stole the cars from the driveway. She wrecked mine and is on the run. She on drugs. I just wanted you to know what you were coming home to. Gotta go, call you when I land."
Fear ran through my body as I gripped the steering wheel...trying to find my breath, mind reeling, heart pounding. Senseless.
Now Nichole begins this next journey. A journey that will take her to the only female prison we have in Oregon...just south of Portland in Wilsonville. She will be held in a medium security prison. She will have a cell and a cell mate. She will do her time. We are encouraging her to use this as an opportunity to know herself, to listen for her authentic self and to follow her soul into wholeness.
"I can do prison Anakha, that is no problem, that is easy for me. I need to learn how to do life."
Amen, Nichole. Let it be so. I love you and am sending you love...asking the Divine to deliver a special dose of encouragement and all encompassing love to you in this early hour while you sleep. I ask that you awake this morning having a palpable sense of how much we love you, how much God and her sweet universe love you, want you and adore you.
May your time be a blessing to your soul.
Amen.
8 comments:
Thank you, Anakha, for capturing this.
In the expanding set of your remarkable posts, this evolving story is at the core of your blog for me: the tangible tragedy of it all...and how your naked heart has responded.
Thank you for your stamina, for your increased capacitance. For modeling another aspect of a true mystic's way.
I love how Nichole punctuates the reality of most of us working towards freedom with this statement about herself: "I need to learn how to do life."
That's what we're actually all here for it seems...to learn how...and to help each other.
this is quite a blessing this morning as I grew to love and care for "my granddaughter Nichole. I was with her for a few days in November...and I loved her personality and her humor.
shan, I think the message you are going to give in the courtromom this week needs to be SHOUTED FROM EVERY MOUNTAIN TOP AND VALLEY ...actually. I know so many people that believe that our system is terribly broken...and wonder how to start to fix it. There is so much fear and judgement involved.
One way to start to "fix it" is to speak out and support at least one with love and acceptance.
I so wish she would have come home with Shan for Christmas...and have to trust something bigger than they way I want things to be.
I am IN ...in a big way...to make a difference in Nichole's life and also in mine!
Lovingly,
Karen/Mom
dearest anakha:
thanks so much for your commitment to and standing by nichole. no woman or man needs prison. statistics confirm that prison
does not cut crime rates. and for the most part, they do not rehabilitate. no one needs prison, it is a BAD parent, friend, etc. it serves
no purpose, except to quell the fear of those in society that do not know...about love.
the cost of my son's incarceration: 3 years in standard prison maybe 30 grand a year. 1 year in WARD 41B, a lock down psychiatric ward, oh maybe 300,000 grand. his year in 41B was like LIOS....but a lock down. Therapy and education would have served all of us better.
i think he is about 35 now, graduated from the culinary institute. he has a girl friend, companion.
both of my boys: the damage from childhood trauma continues to show up in their lives. their stories, their journey, their rage
at abuse, their dysfunction......from damage inflicted when they were 4-5 is horrendous......it will fade only in the presence of love and total acceptance.
of all of the things they know: they know their father loves them. it was only a bout 45 days ago, that one son acknowledged
that i had done my best to be his father...
when my one son was sentenced, the judge had no interest in his past. she put him away. this is another story.
it was just a few years ago he got off of drugs......
he is a nice man, and i love him....his brother came to live with me when he was seven, he was eleven....so, 22 or so years later, he is much better....and you are 'stuck with me," is a great way to bring solace to the torn soul....
i acknowledge your very strong heart and soul....an the passion you have to help people heal.
tu lalo en chapala..
lalo el belovedd
savant of the sages
edd samuelson - mystic, artist, healer, life guide
While every addict is unique, the addiction is NOT. It robs one of their soul. Until that time comes when the soul cries out in anguish and either we die or surrender to the TOTAL process of Recovery.
I cried out for the Lord, to PLEASE, "before I wake, do my soul to take." It was not this prayer He chose to answer. Rather that of a man-child, my 23 year old son, who had along with His sisters, begged, pleaded, coerced and threatened.
FINALLY he too cried out to God, with the broken heart of a child, who has watched his adored mother, turn from the woman he admired and respected above all others, become a living and breathing nightmare. Worse than a nightmare because a night mare you can awake from and the horrific terror I reigned, on all those who desperately loved me, was inescapable. His tears where taken to The Blood of The Cross.
That ’s where His prayer was answered, "For God to do ANYTHING that was necessary, to bring his mother back to him.”., The next day I was arrested and on a fast track to prison.
I had battled addiction in one form or another for 20 years. I too, was trying to escape the pain, not in the body, rather in the mind, heart and soul... When at 43, I met the devil himself, in the form of METH. From that 1st introduction I was his. The transformation of this person, was beyond the realm of comprehension, to myself, my family and anyone, that knew me then, or knows me now..,
YET I CHOSE THAT PATH!! I NOW CHOOSE THIS PATH.., Christ’s path.., I had to surrender, as I lay on a cold cement floor, allowing the darkness to engulf me and pull me into a 3 day delirium. This ended in the most ardent and peace filled surrender, ever imaginable. In that moment, I knew my life was forever altered, I found solace in Christ.
I asked for a teacher and He said "I am sufficient." Immersing my self in The word, I make a Daily and conscious CHOICE, to do, not one thing different, BUT ALL things different, (simple yes, yet the hardest work of my life)
After a year of this, I asked again, for a teacher. He sent me Anakha, as my teacher, confidante and best friend ..,(had I realized what it would mean to step in line with this red haired ball of eternal fire, that left nothing and no one untouched in her wake, I may have thought twice!!) Alas I did not, and I am now, the woman I aspired to be, all my life.
At 49, I have dedicated my life, to those still suffering in silence, in the darkness.., I have been there, behind that barbed wire fence, that evokes a fear such as I have never felt. It grips your heart like a vice and you must fight daily, to not allow it (nor those that hold the key to it) to steal your soul, your mind, your very being. Yet through every horrific experience that I went through, in that place of despair and broken dreams, I found true freedom. I fought with every fiber of my being to hold on to it..,Believe me it is, what it took, to break the hold of Satan, through his favorite tool, METH.
I respect this process.., Do I think there is a better way, to bring us back into society?.., You bet I do..,and I will battle, the Justice System, to help open their eyes along with their cold, cold hearts..,
I believe we must pay our debt to society (which is probably not a popular stance to take, and yet it is my opinion, drawn on the life experiance) You see, paying that debt frees you, in a strange way.., I No longer think, I owe anyone, anything.., I asked forgiveness, I did my time and my life, is where the amends show...,
As Anakha instilled in me "it is a CHOICE." We may not have a CHOICE of the things that happen to us , WE DO however, have a CHOICE, in how we allow, the happening to effect us...,That is why I fight The Justice System. And will continue until someone hears me. AND stops long enough to LISTEN!!
The way (in my opinion ) to help Nicole, along with all the other women in those places, is to, love them, yes, to stand by them, yes, to encourage, yes. AND how about, lets put some of that energy, into changing the System. To be at the other end, to look ahead, to their evident release and what will be needed, to ensure they do have a place to start building a life.., How about, it starts prior to their release, in aiding these women to go out and find work, while they are still incarcerated. Maybe 6 months prior or even a year.., Help to rehabilitate not baby-sit. They say there ’s no money! Well, how about, let the women generate the funding by working, putting part in a savings,.. a part to the state, for their "room & board?" There by, generating the funding themselves.
I have walked in their very shoes. I had a supportive loving system that enabled me into prison and stood beside me as I fought my way back AND then I received, the gift, of their eyes once again, looking upon me with adoration.., I was luckier than some, my loved ones (the majority of them) knew the difference between "the Person" and The Addiction".
I had learned to lean into Christ, as I once again, learned how to walk through this thing called life.., The first step was total and complete surrender and even though some say you can reach recovery, without that, I ask, for how long?? The evil is there, in the recesses of our minds, ever lurking just waiting, for that inevitable pain that brings us to our knees and it bides it's time, for when there is no Anakha there to hold our hands and then it attacks, full force.., And then, we end up exactly, where Nicole is..,
It is Not, the action, but what brought her, to the action?/ What in her mind made using, even a option? What had she not surrendered? Yes, I know the devastating circumstances in her young life played a part and yet as painful as it is to say..,She had to be hanging onto something. I DO Not
Judge.. that would be like judging myself..,I just know, because I to had a year and half clean and sober and allowed the unsurrendered pain to take me back out and that is how, at 46, I went to prison . So the words I speak are from a place of personal experience and knowledge.., I kept a log on paper, as well as in scorched in my mind and heart, so I might use that information, to draw a map and shine The Light, on the path, out of suffering.. I am still in the process. It will be a lifetime journey, as well as commitment. I too had a Nicole, who touched my heart and soul in such a way as to take this endeavor on. To make a difference .. To NOT look the other way.., To say YES.., YOU DO MATTER, TO ME.., YOU MATTER and I will prove it through ACTION ......,
I will help in anyway I can..,I pledge my devotion to Christ and He has called me to this Ministry and I have answered YES, I will!
P.s. Sorry this is so long!! It is the very passion of my heart, my ministry, through Christ or rather Him through me..,
Veronica R. Hiatt
Anakhuccia,
What a beautiful post. I completely agree and support you in your work with Nichole, who I thought was beautiful when I met her last month. You and she are in my prayers and thoughts. You are right in knowing that divine perfection is being served. I am so grateful for you and Gene and James and Lisa and for Nichole, for her honesty and humility as she wrestles addiction, the twisted and futile strategy find relief from the anguish of our separateness. Through you and our friends, I hope and trust Nichole will experience the grace that opens the window on how deeply we are really connected.
Thank you for sharing this.
All love,
Johnny
Oh man!!!!!!!!!
EDD, Thank You for sharing........As I hear your story, mine is pulled up............Oh and Dear Nicole.......I hope she is ready to do the work.........and my son Johnny, I hope he is ready to do The Work.........I dunno........
They are so precious .........and yet they are locked behind walls that hold them in....inside..........I pray for their release from the walls that bind their beings.........and I pray for US out here..........It is difficult this life sometimes......difficult indeed........To know we are all having the right experience.........I try very hard to stay grounded....I am a Mother of a troubled son.........my body aches for him........his pain though is not my own and some days it is sooooo hard not to take his pain on...........I miss the dream I had for him,,,,,the dream,.,,,,,
Today, I hold him in my minds eye and hope that someday he will be free.......from his prison.......wounded hearts.....
Today I give myself permission to experience more positive energy in constructive ways..........and remember that I have done the work and it is ok for me to have already walked out of my prison..............
Hummmmmmm, Thanks Anahka, I just needed to put this out there as I have been doing the work to finally set myself free from the shame I have carried as a mother.....
I was addicted to alcohol when carrying my son inside of me...............and it is finally time to forgive myself and know that I am a good loving mother today.....I have modeled a good walk for him these last 17 years........and his choices today are his choices.............I love him with all of my heart but I can not be in jail with him anylonger.........
I thank You EDD........
I am loving you, me and WE, Us...........Now!
Angela
In getting to know Nichole, hearing her story, learning who she is, writing to her, she has shown me how I've suffered in my own self-hatred, my own disconnect and closure to love.
I've noticed how I haven't let it in, rejected it, pushed it away, and in doing so have kept myself apart from the things I most desire and yearn for.
Thank you, Nichole, for revealing and offering this part of yourself, so that we all may heal and allow the abundance that surrounds us and the love that encapsulates us to be taken in and bless us.
dearest angela:
so sweet that nicole has become a tool of healing for all of us, as she is nurtured by mama anakha and papa gene. how lucky.
one of the things i did for my sons, was to hold the vision of them being healthy happy productive adults, no matter what. and it seems my vision has manifested. but with great patience.
so my dear angela, do hold the dream for your son, no matter what. energy is amazing, and your dream will help both your heart and his.
things happen, and then people write stories to keep themselves in prisons of low self esteem. yes, i did that for decades, and i would lead with ;my stories and they were and ththings i made up...
forgiveness is so important.....you, and anakaha and gene and lalo and everyone deserves the freedom from forgiveness.....and i do have a magnitude of stories on that topic.............stuff i held onto for so many years.
i found great healing and nurturing from wayne dwyers book, there is a spiritual solution to every problem. he comments that we do not need a personal past...all we need to do is live in the NOW.......not necessarily popular, but very helpful.
shame - talk about an insidious condition....... my shame from my amazingly affluent raging alcoholic family, where i was a surrogate, born to be a companion of my mother...............and how ashamed i was for years that i was abused so silently in the name of love, and returning home to a torrent of anger and screaming in the name of alcohol.......my mother would fall in a heap on the floor....it has taken me years to know love, and my mother could never come to me.............................................i never had an adult conversation with my parents to understand who they really were. yep, i do have stories, and i prefer those that reflect their inner light and love and generosity.
Ring the bells that still can ring,
Forget your perfect offering.
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in
~ Leonard Cohen 'Strange Music'
what you focus on is what you get: so i prefer to focus on the light, as my darkness lasted for toooooooo many decades. as i have written today, i re felt some of the feelings from past years, and i stand with tears in my eyes, feeling sad...for my wonderful parents who lost their souls............................they have given me such insight to life. i am kind compassionate gentle and peaceful as a result of so much violence...
i know i am loved, but some days i forget.....and that is when i need my MIRRORS to remind me to bring me back to who i truly am.
i respect you for your difficult journey, and for your constant love of your son. believe me, he will be fine. here's what i believe: you or i do not know the destiny of another. all we can do is respect what we see, and listen, remembering always to love. your son, just like my sons, and nichole and everyone is on a path that is private unto each person, and all we can do is love, love again, re love, love again...i believe that our primary journey is to just love one another ......
thank you for this sweet forum anakha..... i love you
i love you
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