I feel an ache today in my lower belly, an aching, a longing...a pain.
I am aware of how much I have denied my own creative power, my passion and my love for life.
Adoration, allurement, passion, desire...the creative fire that lives in each of us is ready now to become unleashed. This is the energy that will transform our lives and all of the expressions we give rise to. When did we collectively flee this powerful, life-force, native, creative-erotic energy? When did we decide to disassociate and deny its existence? When did we flee from the root of the root of our Souls and take refuge in the mind of logic, reason and control?
We have paid a terrible price for this. I have paid a price for this. Earth and her people are paying a price for this abdication of creative-erotic energy. The denial of this energy...its existence creates and sustains violence. Violence in how we relate to ourselves, others and the planet. It contributes to our disconnection from the natural world...the plants, animals, water, trees, soil...if we are disconnected from our own native nature, our own wildness, our own organic creativity and sexuality...we will also be disconnected from the earth. This is the root of all violence...this distortion and separation from our own beauty, and power, and sexuality, and creativity has taken its toll on our living and our loving.
I have often thought that when we came and "conquered" these lands that have become America...when we robbed her of her Soul and her innate connection to nature, to wildness, to relationship and connectivity...that this is when we as a collective, as a nation, incurred an unimaginable Soul Loss. We dishonored and in many cases slaughtered the stewards of the Soul of this land...the untamed wildness had to be controlled, conquered, hidden.
Our untamed wildness, unbound creativity, and innate sexuality need to be liberated so that they can be in balance and in connection with our wholeness, with our hearts and with the good of the greater whole. Whatever is denied becomes distorted. Whatever is distorted becomes dangerous.
In the masculine this distortion is expressing as addiction, as fascination, as obsession and objectification...pornography, consumption of the feminine as a product to be devoured, and a denial of the masculine heart, sensitivity and vulnerability. This is causing harm to the masculine...this is causing harm to the wholeness of the planet. To reclaim the wildness our men will need to be willing to face this shadow...to go into this darkness and resurrect their hearts, their power, and their sexual wholeness, their full and powerful presence. This is critical to restoring the sacred balance of the feminine and masculine interplay and exchange of essential, life force energy on the planet today.
In the feminine this distortion is expressing as an imbalance in our sexual power...we either overly express our sexuality, using it as a tool to manipulate, to satisfy a need to be loved, to be seen and valued or we deny and mask our feminine sexuality...becoming rigid, hardened and over expressing the masculine which also does much harm to our innate vulnerability, our softness...it masks and covers the radiance that would heal us...and those around us. We must be willing to enter our own darkness, our own fear of being taken advantage of, decimated by the masculine and find the courage to reclaim the voice, the heart and the body of the Sacred Feminine. Her gifts are needed; her radiance, her compassion and her creative potency are what the planet is thirsting for. She is the wellspring of love and adoration that will renew and restore the planet and her famished ones.
I am on the edge of this question, of this issue. Spirit has brought me to this place and to this time and said..."if you want to see love on earth, if you want to awaken the collective sacred heart...you must be willing Anakha to dive into this issue of reclaiming our mystical erotic natures. They must be unified, they must be reconciled, they must find a way to infuse one another with their unique powers and find the exquisite balance that their fusion and their communion create.
This scares me. It is the last thing I feel "qualified" to experience, to express and yet I also know that given my history, my desire, my heart...that I am the one to dive into this question and to help others reclaim themselves as fully alive, fully embodied, divinely human, mystical, erotic beings.
I feel the fear and I hear Sarah McLachlan’s words in her song "Fumbling Towards Ecstasy"
All the fear has left me now
I'm not frightened anymore.
It's my heart that pounds beneath my flesh.
It's my mouth that pushes out this breath
and if I shed a tear I won't cage it.
I won't fear love and if I feel a rage I won't deny it.
I won't fear love.
I am taking this journey into the mystical erotic, I am fumbling towards ecstasy.
I won't fear love.
Amen.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Supporting Nichole in Prison
Good Morning Beloveds,
I wanted to let you know that Nichole was transferred to Coffee Creek Correctional Facility (prison) on Thursday. She begins to serve her 55 month sentence in the medium security prison. She will be confined to a cell with one cell mate until her time approaches the 2 year mark and she can be transferred to the minimum security facility. Doing time in medium will be very different for her...it is a much, much harsher environment with more serious offenders and more restrictions. The officers on the unit are also trained to be more punitive and distant. Our support in loving her and continuing to invite her to the transformation and healing that has arrived and is arriving will be important...critical.
She can receive mail (and would love to receive mail). Here is how you address the envelope (needs to be done "by the book.")
Nichole Dayleen Nicholson
SID# 15684969
Coffee Creek Correctional Facility
24499 SW Grahams Ferry Road
PO Box 9000
Wilsonville, OR 97070
Please make sure you have your full name and return address on the envelope. No more than 10 pages of print-outs or copies. No glitter on cards...no crayon drawings etc. Nothing that could be suspicious of carrying drugs.
If you are called to support Nichole financially during this time you can also put money on her inmate trust account. They are issued state shoes, pants and shirts. If they want lotion, toothpaste, aspirin, feminine supplies, coffee, books, envelopes, better shoes than the little canvas ones they are issued, radio, or to make phone calls they have to have $$$ on their account. She will be working and most prison jobs pay about $10-15/month. Following is the way to put money on her books.
How to deposit money in an inmate´s account
Funds may be placed on an inmate’s Central Trust account with either a money order or cashier’s check (note, we do not accept checks issued from bank bill pay service.)The Department of Corrections cannot accept cash or personal checks.
1. Make the money order/cashier’s check payable to: "DOC," with the inmate’s name and SID number. Example:Payable to: DOC for John Doe, SID #1234567. On the money order/cashier’s, check you must write the name and mailing address of purchaser, including city, state, and zip code.
-and-
2. Mail the money order/cashier’s check to:
Central Trust
Oregon Department of Corrections
PO Box 14400
Salem, OR 97309-5077
The money will be put in the inmate’s account upon receipt through the mail.
You can also send books to her through Amazon, the same way as sending mail. She will be starting a blog about her experience -- sending me written accounts of her process and progress and I will post them to her site. I will let you know when that is live.
She sends her love and says thank you for your support and for your love...she is beginning again and receiving love.
With gratitude for any support -- visible and invisible -- you have given and are giving to this young woman!
Love,
Anakha
I wanted to let you know that Nichole was transferred to Coffee Creek Correctional Facility (prison) on Thursday. She begins to serve her 55 month sentence in the medium security prison. She will be confined to a cell with one cell mate until her time approaches the 2 year mark and she can be transferred to the minimum security facility. Doing time in medium will be very different for her...it is a much, much harsher environment with more serious offenders and more restrictions. The officers on the unit are also trained to be more punitive and distant. Our support in loving her and continuing to invite her to the transformation and healing that has arrived and is arriving will be important...critical.
She can receive mail (and would love to receive mail). Here is how you address the envelope (needs to be done "by the book.")
Nichole Dayleen Nicholson
SID# 15684969
Coffee Creek Correctional Facility
24499 SW Grahams Ferry Road
PO Box 9000
Wilsonville, OR 97070
Please make sure you have your full name and return address on the envelope. No more than 10 pages of print-outs or copies. No glitter on cards...no crayon drawings etc. Nothing that could be suspicious of carrying drugs.
If you are called to support Nichole financially during this time you can also put money on her inmate trust account. They are issued state shoes, pants and shirts. If they want lotion, toothpaste, aspirin, feminine supplies, coffee, books, envelopes, better shoes than the little canvas ones they are issued, radio, or to make phone calls they have to have $$$ on their account. She will be working and most prison jobs pay about $10-15/month. Following is the way to put money on her books.
How to deposit money in an inmate´s account
Funds may be placed on an inmate’s Central Trust account with either a money order or cashier’s check (note, we do not accept checks issued from bank bill pay service.)The Department of Corrections cannot accept cash or personal checks.
1. Make the money order/cashier’s check payable to: "DOC," with the inmate’s name and SID number. Example:Payable to: DOC for John Doe, SID #1234567. On the money order/cashier’s, check you must write the name and mailing address of purchaser, including city, state, and zip code.
-and-
2. Mail the money order/cashier’s check to:
Central Trust
Oregon Department of Corrections
PO Box 14400
Salem, OR 97309-5077
The money will be put in the inmate’s account upon receipt through the mail.
You can also send books to her through Amazon, the same way as sending mail. She will be starting a blog about her experience -- sending me written accounts of her process and progress and I will post them to her site. I will let you know when that is live.
She sends her love and says thank you for your support and for your love...she is beginning again and receiving love.
With gratitude for any support -- visible and invisible -- you have given and are giving to this young woman!
Love,
Anakha
Friday, January 25, 2008
Teaser!
Forget logic.
Forget your head.
Open your heart,
and come with me.
The Naked Heart Mystery School
The Beloved Community of Sacred Activists
The Sacred Love Rising Books
The Naked Heart Alchemy and Spiritual Guidance Sessions
The Naked Heart Alchemy and Spiritual Guidance Sessions
are in motion, coming to you soon!
The Place. The Space. The Purpose. The Passion
Stay Tuned for Details.
Interested Piqued? Call me. Email me. Inquire!
The Naked, Sacred Heart is Open.
Ready to pour out radically passionate Love blessings,
drenching my Beloveds with adoration,
igniting their radiance,
deepening their presence
fueling their sacred purpose in the world.
Come swim in Love's outrageous presence.
Disrobe. Dismantle. Disarm. Dissolve.
Enter into the realms of Enchanted Love
Where Lover,
Loving and Beloved
are One.
Amen.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Radical Responsibility
I was up early yesterday, driving with Gene into downtown Portland to attend Nichole's sentencing. I waited outside the courthouse in the 30 degree weather, wind whipping harshly around my face. The extreme frigidity was a foreshadowing. I moved along in line with the others, through the metal detector. Stared numbly at the elevator as the floors lit up as it descended. I arrived on the 5th floor walked slowly down the hall, looking for Judge Fuchs' (fooks) courtroom. The door is locked no one was inside yet. I see Nichole's name on a list hanging on the door. I turn and see a wooden bench...I sit, I wait, I hold my sacred heart journal. J.R. the DA that I have been talking with walks up and sits down. He knows I am not happy about the plea they are offering her. He pulls out a colored coded, plastic chart and shows me by pointing at this chart, how the 55 months is the "right" calculation of time based on her crimes and criminology. I am in disbelief that this chart holds the key, the answer to what is just, to what is called for in her situation. I know he is doing his job, I know he is trapped in a system that he doesn't even fully believe in...I can see it in his eyes, I can hear it in his voice. I can see that my silence and deep presence are unnerving to him. He knows I know.
The courtroom opens and I move inside, sit on yet another wooden bench. The fluorescent lights shine in my eyes. I sit in silence as I watch the players take their positions...the DA, the court appointed attorney (who called Nichole a "tweaker") and the Judge. What kind of game are we playing here? What madness is this? Why can't we have a conscious dialogue and determine a course of action and accountability that will serve Nichole, public safety and justice. There is an intersection of needs...I know this.
The door opens from behind me and I turn to see Nichole being led in by an officer. She is in prison blues, brown plastic sandals with white socks. She looks pale and exhausted. Her arms are cuffed behind her and her ankles shackled. My heart sinks. I want to go to her and put my arms around her, hold her and remind her of who she really is. The officer leads her to the chair where she will face the judge. I stand up and ask the officer if I can speak to her. I am told I can say "hi." Nichole isn't allowed any "visits" while she is in court. I sit back down and Nichole turns her chair to face me. We look into one another's eyes. Tears well up in my eyes. She says, "hi." I say "hi." My heart is screaming. I silence my outrage for her sake or for mine I am not sure...I start telling Gene and David about Jack and his two new playmates Jasmine and Fonzi. Nichole loves Jack. I see her start to smile as I talk about things I know she'd be interested in hearing about. I stop after awhile...it feels so futile...I begin praying...hoping that she has changed her mind and will take the plea. The DA has informed me that if she doesn't accept the plea, he will proceed with asking for 75 months at trial and with her confession...the case is solid.
The Judge, DA and attorney come back into court and the proceedings begin. Statements are made, questions asked...Nichole answers yes when asked if she is accepting the plea...tears streaming down her face, she picks up the pen in front of her and signs the paperwork. I feel the weight of her decision in my heart, in my gut. It would be different if she hadn't confessed to all of it. She would be facing at least 1 1/2 years less time if she hadn't taken responsibility for her actions. But like I said, this young woman is a truth teller...it isn't in her nature to play the game.
Then it is my turn to speak. The DA stands and addresses the Judge...Ms. Coman, one of the "victims" is here and would like to address the court. I stand and walk up to a chair with a microphone...they want my statement recorded. I pause and drop into the silence...no concern for whether or not people will be uncomfortable. I listen and begin to speak...I talk about "deep accountability" and the need for healing what lies underneath the addiction. That simply adding more time to a sentence does not guarantee public safety or rehabilitation...in fact in many cases incarcerating theses women and placing them in a fear-based environment does more to solidify the masking and numbing behaviors. I say what I need to say and then turn to Nichole. Look her in the eyes and say, "I love you and I forgive you and I have compassion for what has brought you to this moment. And I hold you highly accountable for making a new decision, for using this time to get underneath the addiction and understand and heal what drives these choices. I am sticking with you and we are going to have a contract you and I...it is time to draw a line in the sand...a choice point where you leave that life behind and step fully forward into the life you are meant to live now...into who you really are. Let this be the time. You will be 27 Nichole when you are released and there will be so much life to live. Know that I love you and I am here...for the long haul." Tears are streaming down her face as she nods at me in understanding and agreement. I have one last request for the court...I ask to be removed as being listed as a vicitim. As a victim Nichole will ahve a no-contact order...teh Judge agrees and says I won't be listed as victim on these cases.
I turn and walk back to the bench. The Judge looks at me and thanks me for my statement and agrees that what is needed is treatment and healing...and she says there are not enough resources in the community...that the only way to guarantee Nichole attends in-patient treatment is to incarcerate her for enough time to make her eligible for the program. I am baffled...we have the money to incarcerate but not directly rehabilitate?
The officer re-cuffs Nichole and gives her her paperwork which she has to hold behind her back as she walks away. The officer stops and looks at me and says, "Nichole would like you to know that she can't have visitors again until Saturday." I nod my head and look at Nichole...sending as much love to her, through her as possible. Silently praying that she receives deep peace from the Holy Comforter. David, Gene and I walk out of the courtroom and I stand as she walks away...down the long corridor...shuffling along with an armed officer walking at her side. My heart hurts, my head is pounding...stomach nauseous. I turn and walk the other way. Surreal. How did I get here? How did we get here?
I was asleep at the wheel. I knew that Nichole needed a safe place to live and when I moved back in November, I didn't attend to what I knew was so critical for her. I let her go. I let her leave knowing somewhere in my mind that she needed to be in a safe place. I remember the last day I saw her before my move. I dropped her off downtown on my way to the storage unit where I was meeting the movers. I was planning on picking her up later that evening. She never came back...she left all of her belongings at the house for a month before coming to get them. She couldn't face the idea of leaving what had been the safest and most loving home she had ever experienced. I failed her. I was caught up in my own life...and I failed to act on what I knew needed to happen for her. There is a time to allow someone to figure things out on their own and there is a time to show up and act on their behalf, to take a stand. There are areas in all of our lives where we need that kind of support.
When I arrived home yesterday from court there were two letters from Nichole in the mailbox. One addressed to Lisa and Jimmy, the other addressed to me. I opened mine....here is what the second paragraph said...
"Anakha, thank you so much for my prayer. I am reading it everyday, even the comments. I love the cards also. I knew it was your friend's company from when we were at Gary's. (smiley face). Good times. I remember when you were getting ready to move from there and the heartache I had from the unknown outcome of that move. I was so scared to leave there and you. But I felt like I should just ask to stay with you awhile longer or even at Gary's. So I ran from there and left all my stuff. My weird way of holding a connection. Anyways, I am not sure where that all came from. I didn't know how to ask. I am really scared of rejection (childhood) and one of the things I don't know how to handle and deal with."
Tonight my heart is clear that I played a part in the unfolding of this young women's life over the last several months. I see the price I am paying and that she is paying for my own numbing and distraction and self-centeredness. I am aware of the consequences of not acting on love's impulse, of not standing up inside myself and of denying the voice of truth that needs to be heard and heeded. I know there are many ways you might want to convince me that it wasn't my choice, it was hers, that it isn't my addiction, it is hers, that this isn't my life, it is hers...that there is Divine Order...and yes, all those things are true. And there is also truth in saying that too often I (we) look the other way, deny the truth that wants to be spoken, that desperately needs to be spoken, we play nice, not wanting to rock the boat, we stay uninvolved and protect ourselves from the consequences of intimacy....of getting real with what is, of attending to the heart of matter.
I need this awakening...I need to see and own how my inaction causes harm, how withholding my truth in fear ultimately hurts others, and when I lose faith in the unseen solution I fail to act in integrity with the needs of the moment. Yes, tonight I make an amends to Nichole for my self-absorption, for failing to act on what was needed, for abdicating my responsibility, for being in my own fear and confusion about what to do.
I let myself off the hook too easily...attending to my own life and not wanting to fully be aware of our interdependence...what we do, the choices we make and don't make profoundly impact others and the world around us. We can no longer feel okay and justified in attending to the small circle of our own lives without understanding the impact we have on the greater web of connections, the soul of the whole. If I could return to the month of October...I would be awake to this young woman's needs, to the critical point she was at and I would not leave her flail about...looking for some one's couch to sleep on each night, putting herself in situations and with people that would soon lead her into her addiction.
I am hearing Yeshua applaud these truths in agreement that we need to take radical responsibility for our lives and the lives of those around us...to be awake, to see with love's eyes, to act with integrity, to respond with action.
Yes, this is how we actively love one another. Be being willing to stand up within ourselves, to speak truth, to take aligned action based on the integral needs of each moment.
Tonight I vow to remember this teaching Nichole...to make a choice to be awake and aware, to speak up and out, to not let my fears for my own safety and security stop me from saying yes when the opportunity to love others presents itself.
I love you Nichole Dayleen Nicholson. And I will and we will keep on loving you until all the walls around your heart have been dissolved and you begin to come alive in yourself...until you find the way to love yourself...we will hold the dream of your freedom from all that binds and your homecoming to the truth of who you are.
I love you.
I am sorry.
Please forgive me.
Thank you.
Ho`oponopono Prayer
P.S. I received a call from Nichole that afternoon after court...we cried together...she said, Anakha I decided that I am going to feel my feelings, I am going to cry if I need to...I am not going to put on the prison posture and act like this is no big deal. This is a really big deal. And Anakha...I am finally beginning to feel how much you all love me, how much I have impacted you...I don't understand why...I don't understand why people that contribute so much would want me in their lives. But I don't have to understand it...I just want my life to be different now.
The operater comes on 45 seconds left...15 seconds left...we exchange rapid I love you's and she is gone.
The courtroom opens and I move inside, sit on yet another wooden bench. The fluorescent lights shine in my eyes. I sit in silence as I watch the players take their positions...the DA, the court appointed attorney (who called Nichole a "tweaker") and the Judge. What kind of game are we playing here? What madness is this? Why can't we have a conscious dialogue and determine a course of action and accountability that will serve Nichole, public safety and justice. There is an intersection of needs...I know this.
The door opens from behind me and I turn to see Nichole being led in by an officer. She is in prison blues, brown plastic sandals with white socks. She looks pale and exhausted. Her arms are cuffed behind her and her ankles shackled. My heart sinks. I want to go to her and put my arms around her, hold her and remind her of who she really is. The officer leads her to the chair where she will face the judge. I stand up and ask the officer if I can speak to her. I am told I can say "hi." Nichole isn't allowed any "visits" while she is in court. I sit back down and Nichole turns her chair to face me. We look into one another's eyes. Tears well up in my eyes. She says, "hi." I say "hi." My heart is screaming. I silence my outrage for her sake or for mine I am not sure...I start telling Gene and David about Jack and his two new playmates Jasmine and Fonzi. Nichole loves Jack. I see her start to smile as I talk about things I know she'd be interested in hearing about. I stop after awhile...it feels so futile...I begin praying...hoping that she has changed her mind and will take the plea. The DA has informed me that if she doesn't accept the plea, he will proceed with asking for 75 months at trial and with her confession...the case is solid.
The Judge, DA and attorney come back into court and the proceedings begin. Statements are made, questions asked...Nichole answers yes when asked if she is accepting the plea...tears streaming down her face, she picks up the pen in front of her and signs the paperwork. I feel the weight of her decision in my heart, in my gut. It would be different if she hadn't confessed to all of it. She would be facing at least 1 1/2 years less time if she hadn't taken responsibility for her actions. But like I said, this young woman is a truth teller...it isn't in her nature to play the game.
Then it is my turn to speak. The DA stands and addresses the Judge...Ms. Coman, one of the "victims" is here and would like to address the court. I stand and walk up to a chair with a microphone...they want my statement recorded. I pause and drop into the silence...no concern for whether or not people will be uncomfortable. I listen and begin to speak...I talk about "deep accountability" and the need for healing what lies underneath the addiction. That simply adding more time to a sentence does not guarantee public safety or rehabilitation...in fact in many cases incarcerating theses women and placing them in a fear-based environment does more to solidify the masking and numbing behaviors. I say what I need to say and then turn to Nichole. Look her in the eyes and say, "I love you and I forgive you and I have compassion for what has brought you to this moment. And I hold you highly accountable for making a new decision, for using this time to get underneath the addiction and understand and heal what drives these choices. I am sticking with you and we are going to have a contract you and I...it is time to draw a line in the sand...a choice point where you leave that life behind and step fully forward into the life you are meant to live now...into who you really are. Let this be the time. You will be 27 Nichole when you are released and there will be so much life to live. Know that I love you and I am here...for the long haul." Tears are streaming down her face as she nods at me in understanding and agreement. I have one last request for the court...I ask to be removed as being listed as a vicitim. As a victim Nichole will ahve a no-contact order...teh Judge agrees and says I won't be listed as victim on these cases.
I turn and walk back to the bench. The Judge looks at me and thanks me for my statement and agrees that what is needed is treatment and healing...and she says there are not enough resources in the community...that the only way to guarantee Nichole attends in-patient treatment is to incarcerate her for enough time to make her eligible for the program. I am baffled...we have the money to incarcerate but not directly rehabilitate?
The officer re-cuffs Nichole and gives her her paperwork which she has to hold behind her back as she walks away. The officer stops and looks at me and says, "Nichole would like you to know that she can't have visitors again until Saturday." I nod my head and look at Nichole...sending as much love to her, through her as possible. Silently praying that she receives deep peace from the Holy Comforter. David, Gene and I walk out of the courtroom and I stand as she walks away...down the long corridor...shuffling along with an armed officer walking at her side. My heart hurts, my head is pounding...stomach nauseous. I turn and walk the other way. Surreal. How did I get here? How did we get here?
I was asleep at the wheel. I knew that Nichole needed a safe place to live and when I moved back in November, I didn't attend to what I knew was so critical for her. I let her go. I let her leave knowing somewhere in my mind that she needed to be in a safe place. I remember the last day I saw her before my move. I dropped her off downtown on my way to the storage unit where I was meeting the movers. I was planning on picking her up later that evening. She never came back...she left all of her belongings at the house for a month before coming to get them. She couldn't face the idea of leaving what had been the safest and most loving home she had ever experienced. I failed her. I was caught up in my own life...and I failed to act on what I knew needed to happen for her. There is a time to allow someone to figure things out on their own and there is a time to show up and act on their behalf, to take a stand. There are areas in all of our lives where we need that kind of support.
When I arrived home yesterday from court there were two letters from Nichole in the mailbox. One addressed to Lisa and Jimmy, the other addressed to me. I opened mine....here is what the second paragraph said...
"Anakha, thank you so much for my prayer. I am reading it everyday, even the comments. I love the cards also. I knew it was your friend's company from when we were at Gary's. (smiley face). Good times. I remember when you were getting ready to move from there and the heartache I had from the unknown outcome of that move. I was so scared to leave there and you. But I felt like I should just ask to stay with you awhile longer or even at Gary's. So I ran from there and left all my stuff. My weird way of holding a connection. Anyways, I am not sure where that all came from. I didn't know how to ask. I am really scared of rejection (childhood) and one of the things I don't know how to handle and deal with."
Tonight my heart is clear that I played a part in the unfolding of this young women's life over the last several months. I see the price I am paying and that she is paying for my own numbing and distraction and self-centeredness. I am aware of the consequences of not acting on love's impulse, of not standing up inside myself and of denying the voice of truth that needs to be heard and heeded. I know there are many ways you might want to convince me that it wasn't my choice, it was hers, that it isn't my addiction, it is hers, that this isn't my life, it is hers...that there is Divine Order...and yes, all those things are true. And there is also truth in saying that too often I (we) look the other way, deny the truth that wants to be spoken, that desperately needs to be spoken, we play nice, not wanting to rock the boat, we stay uninvolved and protect ourselves from the consequences of intimacy....of getting real with what is, of attending to the heart of matter.
I need this awakening...I need to see and own how my inaction causes harm, how withholding my truth in fear ultimately hurts others, and when I lose faith in the unseen solution I fail to act in integrity with the needs of the moment. Yes, tonight I make an amends to Nichole for my self-absorption, for failing to act on what was needed, for abdicating my responsibility, for being in my own fear and confusion about what to do.
I let myself off the hook too easily...attending to my own life and not wanting to fully be aware of our interdependence...what we do, the choices we make and don't make profoundly impact others and the world around us. We can no longer feel okay and justified in attending to the small circle of our own lives without understanding the impact we have on the greater web of connections, the soul of the whole. If I could return to the month of October...I would be awake to this young woman's needs, to the critical point she was at and I would not leave her flail about...looking for some one's couch to sleep on each night, putting herself in situations and with people that would soon lead her into her addiction.
I am hearing Yeshua applaud these truths in agreement that we need to take radical responsibility for our lives and the lives of those around us...to be awake, to see with love's eyes, to act with integrity, to respond with action.
Yes, this is how we actively love one another. Be being willing to stand up within ourselves, to speak truth, to take aligned action based on the integral needs of each moment.
Tonight I vow to remember this teaching Nichole...to make a choice to be awake and aware, to speak up and out, to not let my fears for my own safety and security stop me from saying yes when the opportunity to love others presents itself.
I love you Nichole Dayleen Nicholson. And I will and we will keep on loving you until all the walls around your heart have been dissolved and you begin to come alive in yourself...until you find the way to love yourself...we will hold the dream of your freedom from all that binds and your homecoming to the truth of who you are.
I love you.
I am sorry.
Please forgive me.
Thank you.
Ho`oponopono Prayer
P.S. I received a call from Nichole that afternoon after court...we cried together...she said, Anakha I decided that I am going to feel my feelings, I am going to cry if I need to...I am not going to put on the prison posture and act like this is no big deal. This is a really big deal. And Anakha...I am finally beginning to feel how much you all love me, how much I have impacted you...I don't understand why...I don't understand why people that contribute so much would want me in their lives. But I don't have to understand it...I just want my life to be different now.
The operater comes on 45 seconds left...15 seconds left...we exchange rapid I love you's and she is gone.
The Faces of Love
I am in the space where lover, loving and Beloved meet and dissolve in oneness. I am astounded at the beauty of each heart, of each being that graces my life...all loved, all lovers. I wonder at times, how this can be so, that I can love so many with such a full and expansive heart...without separation, without comparison, without lack or deprivation. This love is endless, and flows unrestricted. I have kept my love close to my chest for many years and now, after months of naked sacred heart alchemy -- stripping, burning, revealing (remember the 4 D's -- disrobe, dismantle, disarm, dissolve) I am discovering the immensity and intensity of love that lives within my heart, within my body, within each cell of my being. My intention is taking root, coming into manifest form...the Divine has answered the call of my Soul...the plea to take me into the fires of love, to burn away all that is not love and to leave me holy, wholly free in love. My heart is being expanded and opened by each interaction, each experience. I believe that is always the choice...will I heed the call to love, will I answer the request for love with my open-hearted loving or will I ignore, distract, judge, constrict? Once the heart is set in motion in love...it becomes a choiceless choice. To choose fear is to create our own personal hell. To choose love is to manifest heaven on earth. A Course in Miracles says that everything is either an expression of love or a request for love and we choose whether we extend love or project fear. The only true response is always, all ways Love.
I am choosing to extend love...to participate in this radical and unstoppable flow of love that is our natural state, that is our birthright, that is our personal heaven on earth. I am a naked heart mystic, I am a radiant life lover and I am overflowing with love tonight...my heart feels a weight and a pull and a depth....a turning...my heart is turning, turning like a wheel, turning like the arrows on a compass, turning toward my Beloved. Turning towards the One that has come and taken arrow and struck my heart. I am dissolving tonight in love. I surrendering all that I am to this journey, this journey into love.
Yes, my Beloved has a thousand faces. All beautiful expressions of the One Love that brought us, and is still bringing us into manifest form. I am swimming in the sea, one drop in the Ocean of God, joining with others in the sweet ecstasy of oneness, basking in the exquisite union of our collective homecoming. One cell in the body of God...forming a new mankind through the journey into Love. We emerge two by two, resurrecting one another through the gaze of love, through the ferocity of our commitment to see the Beloved in each face.
Yes, tonight the Beloved has a thousand faces.
Tonight I feel overwhelmed with gratitude for the one that has arrived at the doorway to my heart...the one that has asked, seeked and knocked. The door is opening from the inside. I love you, I love myself, I love myself, I love you. Yes, dissolving into union...where lover, loving and Beloved are one.
My prayer is that we all become slaves to love...that our ego's tantrums are tamed so that we can participate in this great initiation into embodied, expressed, extended Love. May we all come together now and commune in the ecstatic experience of loving oneness.
I am crazy and wild eyed tonight, paralyzed with love, eyes glossy, breath shallow...I wait for the next breath to move across my heart and send me into even greater depths of your love.
Bless you Sacred Heart of Christ for showing me the way into embodied, ecstatic love. All the darkness, all the despair...all of it worth it to spend just one hour in this place with the Beloved of Beloveds.
I love you, I love myself. Amen.
P.S. For those of you wondering about my experience with Nichole yesterday and the outcome of her sentencing, please go to www.divinemasculine.com and www.fireinthebody.blogspot.com to read Gene and David's account. I will post mine soon...just need a little more time...
I am choosing to extend love...to participate in this radical and unstoppable flow of love that is our natural state, that is our birthright, that is our personal heaven on earth. I am a naked heart mystic, I am a radiant life lover and I am overflowing with love tonight...my heart feels a weight and a pull and a depth....a turning...my heart is turning, turning like a wheel, turning like the arrows on a compass, turning toward my Beloved. Turning towards the One that has come and taken arrow and struck my heart. I am dissolving tonight in love. I surrendering all that I am to this journey, this journey into love.
Yes, my Beloved has a thousand faces. All beautiful expressions of the One Love that brought us, and is still bringing us into manifest form. I am swimming in the sea, one drop in the Ocean of God, joining with others in the sweet ecstasy of oneness, basking in the exquisite union of our collective homecoming. One cell in the body of God...forming a new mankind through the journey into Love. We emerge two by two, resurrecting one another through the gaze of love, through the ferocity of our commitment to see the Beloved in each face.
Yes, tonight the Beloved has a thousand faces.
Tonight I feel overwhelmed with gratitude for the one that has arrived at the doorway to my heart...the one that has asked, seeked and knocked. The door is opening from the inside. I love you, I love myself, I love myself, I love you. Yes, dissolving into union...where lover, loving and Beloved are one.
My prayer is that we all become slaves to love...that our ego's tantrums are tamed so that we can participate in this great initiation into embodied, expressed, extended Love. May we all come together now and commune in the ecstatic experience of loving oneness.
I am crazy and wild eyed tonight, paralyzed with love, eyes glossy, breath shallow...I wait for the next breath to move across my heart and send me into even greater depths of your love.
Bless you Sacred Heart of Christ for showing me the way into embodied, ecstatic love. All the darkness, all the despair...all of it worth it to spend just one hour in this place with the Beloved of Beloveds.
I love you, I love myself. Amen.
P.S. For those of you wondering about my experience with Nichole yesterday and the outcome of her sentencing, please go to www.divinemasculine.com and www.fireinthebody.blogspot.com to read Gene and David's account. I will post mine soon...just need a little more time...
Monday, January 21, 2008
Our Daughter Nichole
I am awake at 2:44 a.m., again. I am sleeping in Jimmy's bed with his daughter Angela's two dogs. She left for LA two days ago and I am watching Jasmine and Fonzi for her. They sleep with her and Nick at home...now they are sleeping with Auntie Anakha...'cause if they don't they cry all night. They seem totally content and actually graciously both sleep on one side of the bed, leaving me my space....thank God, truly...thank God.
I am awake and thinking of my girl Nichole. Remembering the sound of the prison door slamming behind me...leaving me in a long, narrow corridor with 25 other people making their way to their loved ones sitting behind plexi-glass. I walk down past the women sitting in stalls and at the very end I peer in and there is Nichole. She looks up at me and starts to shake, head in hands, face red and tears streaming. Shame, disappointment, regret, love, gratitude, fear, doubt rush across her face. Dark bags of addiction and sleeplessness and depression hang below her eyes. She is thin, gaunt...the aftermath of meth. She is on the descent from the drug's nasty high, the numb mind, the distorted brain, the crossed wires. She is coming back to reality and realizing the cost of one hit. The downward spiral of addiction and the chaos that she created in 24 short hours.
Yes, the darkness of addiction has cost her her freedom. The DA says 55 months is the best he can do for her. Sit in prison for 3 years and then we'll see if we can get you into treatment for the last year of your stay.
I pick up the phone, she picks up the phone. We look at each other across the way, through this glass wall that now separates us.
"Hello Sweetheart."
"Anakha, I am so sorry, I love you so much and I didn't mean for this to happen Anakha, I mean it...I don't know how all this happened...I mean, I do...but how did this happen?"
"Slow down Sweetheart, breath with me. I love you and it is going to be okay."
"Anakha, you are more of a mother to me than my own mother. You are a mother to me. I don't know why I couldn't receive your love, I don't know why I didn't talk to you. I thought if I could just get stable again at the house, that I could start again with my recovery. I was just so depressed...I hated Christmas...I missed Isaiah...all I want is a picture of my son. I don't even know how his hair is cut Anakha."
"Honey, I love you and I am not leaving you."
This was the gist of the dialogue from my first visit with Nichole several weeks ago at the Multnomah County jail. Since then she has been working with acceptance, forgiveness and looking at all of the decisions and choices she made that put her right back at the center of her addiction to meth. Over the last few days she has been talking with Gene...working through the plea bargain that is being offered...55 months. I am so grateful for Gene and for his fathering energy that he is gifting Nichole with. She has never had a father, she has never had a positive male role model in her life...until now. Gene said to me yesterday, "Well, I have never had a daughter!"
Nichole asked Gene if there was some way she could write every week about her process and her learning and have it sent out over email. He encouraged her to start a blog...to think of a name and we will set it up for her, receive her writings via mail and post them as they come in. She seemed excited to be able to share her journey, just like I am...her journey out of her own prison. You see, we all have our prisons, we are all, if we are honest, still breaking free.
I will be speaking with her attorney, the DA and the judge today to better understand her options. The DA told me that this is the best deal she is going to get...if she goes to trial he will be asking for at least 66 months. I believe her next court date is Wednesday. I will be there to make my statement to the court, to Nichole, to the system.
And this is what I will say....these women that are addicted to meth do not need more time sitting in prison. These women do not need to enter into an environment where fear and rules and punishment reign...where the cold, unyielding masculine holds court. These women need to be held accountable...yes...accountable to their deep healing process...to get underneath the addiction into the core of the wound that drives them to numb, to check out, to disassociate in such an exaggerated way. The deeper the pain, the stronger the addiction. Do not put this woman in prison for 5 years for stealing two cars...require her to spend 2 years in deep treatment and healing. Require her to take her recovery seriously. This will do more for her recovery, for lowering recidivism, for ensuring "public safety" than doing 5 years of time. Simply doing time does nothing. The feminine does not respond to this type of "punishment." It is one of those illusions of control we have instituted in society...we can't control these women, we can't control their addictions...we can offer a radical compassion that holds them accountable and simultaneously sees that what they most need is a way to love the unlovable, heal the shame, learn to take in deep nourishment.
Nichole was a meth baby. She is 23 in age...12 in her development. She took her first trip at age 3...her mother had a lab in their apartment. Her grandmother came and got her just moments before the police raided the house. She spent the next week in withdrawals, her fragile system fried. She raised herself as she was trying to raise her younger brother and sister. Her mom a lifetime addict...pot, alcohol, pills, meth, cocaine, men...you name it.
I remember Nichole telling me one day that at age 19 something snapped inside her. She finally entered into the question, "what is so great about drugs that my Mom would choose them over me, over us?" That day she took meth for the first time, just 4 years ago. That led to losing her son, her freedom...18 months incarcerated.
"I would give anything Anakha, to wake up in the morning again to you doing yoga in the living room and Jack tossing his ball at me as I made my way downstairs to the bathroom.
I would give anything to not have resisted all the love...yours, Gene's, Aminga's, Caroline's, Lisa's, Gary's, Jimmy's, Crystal's. I would giving anything to go back and have chosen to go home with you at Christmas. I really hated myself at Christmas Anakha."
I have told Nichole that I am not giving up on her. That I am in it for the long haul. But, we will have a contract...I told her that I am only willing to "support" her time if she is willing to do anything and everything she can to heal herself, engage her recovery and prepare for a new life. No sleeping her way through (literally and figuratively), no writing male felons...no doing time pen pals. She is in the process of writing her part of our contract.
"Tell everyone I love them and I am sorry for letting them down, for disappointing them, for not being able to receive their love. Tell them if they have assignments for me, I will do them. I will do whatever you say Anakha, 'cause I know you know what I need to do."
For now Nichole I want you to feel, feel all that you are feeling. I want you to feel the love and the support of the community that has adopted you, that have taken you as their own...allow this love to penetrate the walls, the layers and reach your core to support you, sustain you and encourage you as you face this next part of your journey...back behind the walls, the barbed wire...back to prison where you and I first met.
We nicknamed you Spunky. You were our youngest participant in our transformation and transition program. You were the truth teller in the group...you held us all accountable for our actions, for deepening into truth. You held wisdom beyond your years. And when the time came, the class asked you to represent their journeys at graduation as a speaker. I will never forget you in your little black dress, nylons and heels...trying to walk like a lady after years of only wearing sneakers. You did a beautiful job. You are a beautiful person.
I have to believe that the Divine's hands are in this...I know the Divine's hands are in this. I am not sure whose life she saved...ours, hers...through this situation. I have seen Christ's face in this...knowing that she is my teacher...showing me the way of authentic loving...and radical compassion...not the sickeningly syrupy love...but the "I am a radical stand for who you really are and hold you accountable for living nothing less than your very best, sort of love."
I have shared with Nichole my grief and loss of not being able to see her, to talk with her, to share freedom with her. We are like mother and daughter she and I. I am not sure why or how the Divine has arranged this soul contract for us. But in a very deep way, we need one another. We are inextricably tied at the soul level...I have said I will show up to love and nurture you as your mother. She has said, I will show up to require you to love beyond reason, beyond logic, beyond other people's ideas of when enough is enough. I will require you to be relentless in love...to be detached in love...to learn that love is the only medicine that reaches the sacred wound.
I love her. I ask that you love her. She will most likely be transferred to Coffee Creek this week after sentencing. At that point in time I will send you her mailing information, so you can write to her if you feel inclined to engage in this ministry of love.
Until then, I pray for the Divine's intercession into the hearts and minds of the DA and the judge. To make sure that this sentence is the one that brings her highest good and deepest healing into consideration...into the heart of the matter. I pray that I will heed the call if issued to take a stand for her and for all women living in the aftermath, caught in the jaws of meth addiction.
"I want to learn to do yoga this time Anakha. I want to be able to do yoga with you and Crystal and to meditate and run. I always was so jealous...I thought you felt more connected to her because she knew how to do the things you love. I was scared to try, scared I couldn't do it. I am going to try now. I want to do those things too."
She is so precious this one. And yes, for those of you thinking I may have a "chocolate heart" (that is the term correctional officers have for people in the system whose heart's can be melted and manipulated)...I fully realize that this sweetheart on meth is dangerous to herself and to others, that she created an unbelievable amount of chaos in my life. I do not minimize the impact of her addiction and the choices that she made from it. I just happen to relate to her...how much hurt and chaos I created in my life and in the lives of others before I began my healing journey, when I was still in the darkness of my addiction...when I was still running from the pain of the past.
We are the same, we are one. The journey looks different on the outside...it is the same on the inside.
Thank you for letting me have an outlet for at least one part of the story tonight. This began unfolding for me on the 26th of December on my way back from Bend...driving in the snow, playing name that disco tune with my friends in the car...the phone rings...it is Jimmy calling from a plane on his way to Chicago...whispering (he was using his cell phone).
"Anakha, this is Jimmy. Nichole stole the cars from the driveway. She wrecked mine and is on the run. She on drugs. I just wanted you to know what you were coming home to. Gotta go, call you when I land."
Fear ran through my body as I gripped the steering wheel...trying to find my breath, mind reeling, heart pounding. Senseless.
Now Nichole begins this next journey. A journey that will take her to the only female prison we have in Oregon...just south of Portland in Wilsonville. She will be held in a medium security prison. She will have a cell and a cell mate. She will do her time. We are encouraging her to use this as an opportunity to know herself, to listen for her authentic self and to follow her soul into wholeness.
"I can do prison Anakha, that is no problem, that is easy for me. I need to learn how to do life."
Amen, Nichole. Let it be so. I love you and am sending you love...asking the Divine to deliver a special dose of encouragement and all encompassing love to you in this early hour while you sleep. I ask that you awake this morning having a palpable sense of how much we love you, how much God and her sweet universe love you, want you and adore you.
May your time be a blessing to your soul.
Amen.
I am awake and thinking of my girl Nichole. Remembering the sound of the prison door slamming behind me...leaving me in a long, narrow corridor with 25 other people making their way to their loved ones sitting behind plexi-glass. I walk down past the women sitting in stalls and at the very end I peer in and there is Nichole. She looks up at me and starts to shake, head in hands, face red and tears streaming. Shame, disappointment, regret, love, gratitude, fear, doubt rush across her face. Dark bags of addiction and sleeplessness and depression hang below her eyes. She is thin, gaunt...the aftermath of meth. She is on the descent from the drug's nasty high, the numb mind, the distorted brain, the crossed wires. She is coming back to reality and realizing the cost of one hit. The downward spiral of addiction and the chaos that she created in 24 short hours.
Yes, the darkness of addiction has cost her her freedom. The DA says 55 months is the best he can do for her. Sit in prison for 3 years and then we'll see if we can get you into treatment for the last year of your stay.
I pick up the phone, she picks up the phone. We look at each other across the way, through this glass wall that now separates us.
"Hello Sweetheart."
"Anakha, I am so sorry, I love you so much and I didn't mean for this to happen Anakha, I mean it...I don't know how all this happened...I mean, I do...but how did this happen?"
"Slow down Sweetheart, breath with me. I love you and it is going to be okay."
"Anakha, you are more of a mother to me than my own mother. You are a mother to me. I don't know why I couldn't receive your love, I don't know why I didn't talk to you. I thought if I could just get stable again at the house, that I could start again with my recovery. I was just so depressed...I hated Christmas...I missed Isaiah...all I want is a picture of my son. I don't even know how his hair is cut Anakha."
"Honey, I love you and I am not leaving you."
This was the gist of the dialogue from my first visit with Nichole several weeks ago at the Multnomah County jail. Since then she has been working with acceptance, forgiveness and looking at all of the decisions and choices she made that put her right back at the center of her addiction to meth. Over the last few days she has been talking with Gene...working through the plea bargain that is being offered...55 months. I am so grateful for Gene and for his fathering energy that he is gifting Nichole with. She has never had a father, she has never had a positive male role model in her life...until now. Gene said to me yesterday, "Well, I have never had a daughter!"
Nichole asked Gene if there was some way she could write every week about her process and her learning and have it sent out over email. He encouraged her to start a blog...to think of a name and we will set it up for her, receive her writings via mail and post them as they come in. She seemed excited to be able to share her journey, just like I am...her journey out of her own prison. You see, we all have our prisons, we are all, if we are honest, still breaking free.
I will be speaking with her attorney, the DA and the judge today to better understand her options. The DA told me that this is the best deal she is going to get...if she goes to trial he will be asking for at least 66 months. I believe her next court date is Wednesday. I will be there to make my statement to the court, to Nichole, to the system.
And this is what I will say....these women that are addicted to meth do not need more time sitting in prison. These women do not need to enter into an environment where fear and rules and punishment reign...where the cold, unyielding masculine holds court. These women need to be held accountable...yes...accountable to their deep healing process...to get underneath the addiction into the core of the wound that drives them to numb, to check out, to disassociate in such an exaggerated way. The deeper the pain, the stronger the addiction. Do not put this woman in prison for 5 years for stealing two cars...require her to spend 2 years in deep treatment and healing. Require her to take her recovery seriously. This will do more for her recovery, for lowering recidivism, for ensuring "public safety" than doing 5 years of time. Simply doing time does nothing. The feminine does not respond to this type of "punishment." It is one of those illusions of control we have instituted in society...we can't control these women, we can't control their addictions...we can offer a radical compassion that holds them accountable and simultaneously sees that what they most need is a way to love the unlovable, heal the shame, learn to take in deep nourishment.
Nichole was a meth baby. She is 23 in age...12 in her development. She took her first trip at age 3...her mother had a lab in their apartment. Her grandmother came and got her just moments before the police raided the house. She spent the next week in withdrawals, her fragile system fried. She raised herself as she was trying to raise her younger brother and sister. Her mom a lifetime addict...pot, alcohol, pills, meth, cocaine, men...you name it.
I remember Nichole telling me one day that at age 19 something snapped inside her. She finally entered into the question, "what is so great about drugs that my Mom would choose them over me, over us?" That day she took meth for the first time, just 4 years ago. That led to losing her son, her freedom...18 months incarcerated.
"I would give anything Anakha, to wake up in the morning again to you doing yoga in the living room and Jack tossing his ball at me as I made my way downstairs to the bathroom.
I would give anything to not have resisted all the love...yours, Gene's, Aminga's, Caroline's, Lisa's, Gary's, Jimmy's, Crystal's. I would giving anything to go back and have chosen to go home with you at Christmas. I really hated myself at Christmas Anakha."
I have told Nichole that I am not giving up on her. That I am in it for the long haul. But, we will have a contract...I told her that I am only willing to "support" her time if she is willing to do anything and everything she can to heal herself, engage her recovery and prepare for a new life. No sleeping her way through (literally and figuratively), no writing male felons...no doing time pen pals. She is in the process of writing her part of our contract.
"Tell everyone I love them and I am sorry for letting them down, for disappointing them, for not being able to receive their love. Tell them if they have assignments for me, I will do them. I will do whatever you say Anakha, 'cause I know you know what I need to do."
For now Nichole I want you to feel, feel all that you are feeling. I want you to feel the love and the support of the community that has adopted you, that have taken you as their own...allow this love to penetrate the walls, the layers and reach your core to support you, sustain you and encourage you as you face this next part of your journey...back behind the walls, the barbed wire...back to prison where you and I first met.
We nicknamed you Spunky. You were our youngest participant in our transformation and transition program. You were the truth teller in the group...you held us all accountable for our actions, for deepening into truth. You held wisdom beyond your years. And when the time came, the class asked you to represent their journeys at graduation as a speaker. I will never forget you in your little black dress, nylons and heels...trying to walk like a lady after years of only wearing sneakers. You did a beautiful job. You are a beautiful person.
I have to believe that the Divine's hands are in this...I know the Divine's hands are in this. I am not sure whose life she saved...ours, hers...through this situation. I have seen Christ's face in this...knowing that she is my teacher...showing me the way of authentic loving...and radical compassion...not the sickeningly syrupy love...but the "I am a radical stand for who you really are and hold you accountable for living nothing less than your very best, sort of love."
I have shared with Nichole my grief and loss of not being able to see her, to talk with her, to share freedom with her. We are like mother and daughter she and I. I am not sure why or how the Divine has arranged this soul contract for us. But in a very deep way, we need one another. We are inextricably tied at the soul level...I have said I will show up to love and nurture you as your mother. She has said, I will show up to require you to love beyond reason, beyond logic, beyond other people's ideas of when enough is enough. I will require you to be relentless in love...to be detached in love...to learn that love is the only medicine that reaches the sacred wound.
I love her. I ask that you love her. She will most likely be transferred to Coffee Creek this week after sentencing. At that point in time I will send you her mailing information, so you can write to her if you feel inclined to engage in this ministry of love.
Until then, I pray for the Divine's intercession into the hearts and minds of the DA and the judge. To make sure that this sentence is the one that brings her highest good and deepest healing into consideration...into the heart of the matter. I pray that I will heed the call if issued to take a stand for her and for all women living in the aftermath, caught in the jaws of meth addiction.
"I want to learn to do yoga this time Anakha. I want to be able to do yoga with you and Crystal and to meditate and run. I always was so jealous...I thought you felt more connected to her because she knew how to do the things you love. I was scared to try, scared I couldn't do it. I am going to try now. I want to do those things too."
She is so precious this one. And yes, for those of you thinking I may have a "chocolate heart" (that is the term correctional officers have for people in the system whose heart's can be melted and manipulated)...I fully realize that this sweetheart on meth is dangerous to herself and to others, that she created an unbelievable amount of chaos in my life. I do not minimize the impact of her addiction and the choices that she made from it. I just happen to relate to her...how much hurt and chaos I created in my life and in the lives of others before I began my healing journey, when I was still in the darkness of my addiction...when I was still running from the pain of the past.
We are the same, we are one. The journey looks different on the outside...it is the same on the inside.
Thank you for letting me have an outlet for at least one part of the story tonight. This began unfolding for me on the 26th of December on my way back from Bend...driving in the snow, playing name that disco tune with my friends in the car...the phone rings...it is Jimmy calling from a plane on his way to Chicago...whispering (he was using his cell phone).
"Anakha, this is Jimmy. Nichole stole the cars from the driveway. She wrecked mine and is on the run. She on drugs. I just wanted you to know what you were coming home to. Gotta go, call you when I land."
Fear ran through my body as I gripped the steering wheel...trying to find my breath, mind reeling, heart pounding. Senseless.
Now Nichole begins this next journey. A journey that will take her to the only female prison we have in Oregon...just south of Portland in Wilsonville. She will be held in a medium security prison. She will have a cell and a cell mate. She will do her time. We are encouraging her to use this as an opportunity to know herself, to listen for her authentic self and to follow her soul into wholeness.
"I can do prison Anakha, that is no problem, that is easy for me. I need to learn how to do life."
Amen, Nichole. Let it be so. I love you and am sending you love...asking the Divine to deliver a special dose of encouragement and all encompassing love to you in this early hour while you sleep. I ask that you awake this morning having a palpable sense of how much we love you, how much God and her sweet universe love you, want you and adore you.
May your time be a blessing to your soul.
Amen.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Silence in the Heart
There's a silence in my heart tonight
A stillness where the mystery lives
A tender, vulnerable place
Where love has been planted
A seed, a sprout...new, small
Not knowing if it will grow
Or fade back into the earth
I am aware of this new life
Growing in my heart
Pressure is building
Pushing the boundaries of
What i have experienced before
Love is expanding the boundaries of my heart
Loving beyond knowing
Staying connected
To the magnificence of what lives within
Showing up moment to moment
To all the opportunities to offer my essence
My Self as blessing, as prayer
Okay, what do I really want to say?
I am wide open...heart, soul, body
I am feeling love spiral through me
I am feeling exposed, vulnerable
Afraid
Longing
Sad
Wanting
Still, silent, prayerful
All these things spilling forth from my heart
I feel like humpty dumpty
Never to be put back together again
Heart broken up in love
Messed up, yes...well, just wait
You will have your turn
I am learning the ways of loving
I am becoming a lover
I am courting the Beloved
My heart holds the mysteries of the Sacred Feminine
She is beginning to speak
So much to be said
So much to hold
So many stories to be told
I am aware tonight of how much I am adored,
By so many...
And I am so completely grateful for your love and your loving.
Keep watch with me, keep watch and pray.
That our loving may spill us open into God, into laughter, into bliss.
The candle is holding light tonight, a 24 hour vigil.
I am coming to you.
I am coming to you.
Be ready.
Be awake.
Be sure.
I am coming all the way home,
all the way home
to you,
Beloved.
A stillness where the mystery lives
A tender, vulnerable place
Where love has been planted
A seed, a sprout...new, small
Not knowing if it will grow
Or fade back into the earth
I am aware of this new life
Growing in my heart
Pressure is building
Pushing the boundaries of
What i have experienced before
Love is expanding the boundaries of my heart
Loving beyond knowing
Staying connected
To the magnificence of what lives within
Showing up moment to moment
To all the opportunities to offer my essence
My Self as blessing, as prayer
Okay, what do I really want to say?
I am wide open...heart, soul, body
I am feeling love spiral through me
I am feeling exposed, vulnerable
Afraid
Longing
Sad
Wanting
Still, silent, prayerful
All these things spilling forth from my heart
I feel like humpty dumpty
Never to be put back together again
Heart broken up in love
Messed up, yes...well, just wait
You will have your turn
I am learning the ways of loving
I am becoming a lover
I am courting the Beloved
My heart holds the mysteries of the Sacred Feminine
She is beginning to speak
So much to be said
So much to hold
So many stories to be told
I am aware tonight of how much I am adored,
By so many...
And I am so completely grateful for your love and your loving.
Keep watch with me, keep watch and pray.
That our loving may spill us open into God, into laughter, into bliss.
The candle is holding light tonight, a 24 hour vigil.
I am coming to you.
I am coming to you.
Be ready.
Be awake.
Be sure.
I am coming all the way home,
all the way home
to you,
Beloved.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Waves Are Coming In
There is so much magnificence
Near the ocean
Waves are coming in
Waves are coming in
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
There is so much love
Here now
Within me
Surrounding me
Infusing me
The only constant
in this life
Our firm foundation
is Love
The space in between us
is magnificent
There is some kiss
We want for all our lives
The feel of Spirit on the body
Yes, the waves are coming in
I am one drop in the ocean
Melting into presence
Overflowing effervescence
Rising in love
Enraptured by you
Eyes dancing with the fire
of your kisses
With the honey sweetness
of your touch
Yes, there is so much magnificence
Near the ocean
Hallelujah
Waves of love are coming in.
Lovers, we begin tonight...the next chapter of this naked sacred ecstatic heart journey.
Destination? Blissful Union...Sacred Love.
We are ready.
Let our love bless and heal the world.
Amen.
Near the ocean
Waves are coming in
Waves are coming in
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
There is so much love
Here now
Within me
Surrounding me
Infusing me
The only constant
in this life
Our firm foundation
is Love
The space in between us
is magnificent
There is some kiss
We want for all our lives
The feel of Spirit on the body
Yes, the waves are coming in
I am one drop in the ocean
Melting into presence
Overflowing effervescence
Rising in love
Enraptured by you
Eyes dancing with the fire
of your kisses
With the honey sweetness
of your touch
Yes, there is so much magnificence
Near the ocean
Hallelujah
Waves of love are coming in.
Lovers, we begin tonight...the next chapter of this naked sacred ecstatic heart journey.
Destination? Blissful Union...Sacred Love.
We are ready.
Let our love bless and heal the world.
Amen.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Ready for Love
I am sitting in the silence watching the flame of a candle dance across my bedroom wall. I am alone with myself, dropping down, moving inward to truth, to love. I am settling into my heart, a newly remodeled home for my life. As I listen in I hear and I know that I have made it...I have made it home to my naked, sacred heart. I have walked many miles on this journey to awaken the heart, to revive it from its slumber, to set it free from prisons of the past. The layers are peeled away, exposing a beautiful, tender and pulsing vessel for my love, for my loving, for my lover...the Beloved. I know myself again in this place...I remember with exquisite tenderness of who I am...essence restored and blossoming in beauty...I am home, I am whole. I lay here in silent communion feeling immense gratitude for the darkness, for the night...for the grief, for the despair...for the stripping away. I am grateful for the fire's burning. I am grateful for it all, for I have received the gift. I rode the darkness down...in and through...all the way and finally, finally it has surrendered its sweetness. There are gifts in the darkness...the best gifts of all...the gifts of the Kingdom. Seek ye first the Kingdom -- the indwelling Presence -- and all else will be added unto you. I am living proof of that truth. I am experiencing an extraordinary peace tonight...it begins deep within and is spiraling through my body. This is the peace that surpasses all understanding. It is one of the fruits of the mystic's labor.
A new knowing and a new loving....these are the consequences of union...these are the gifts that are bestowed when we take the journey into the heart. And I am so grateful for the journey, for this assignment to fully embody Divine love. My heart is open and full...there is nothing more for me to do now...just relax and allow all Good to flow forth. I am ready, that I am. I am receiving, that I am. I am that, I am.
A new life is beginning for me...the life of the heart. Sourced in love, as love...free to fully give and receive love. I have made it home...the hero's journey, the monster transformed in love...I am making my return, bearing the gifts and the promises of the Sacred Heart. I have been fully initiated and consecrated in Love's mysteries.
I am ready to begin again.
I am ready for love.
Amen.
A new knowing and a new loving....these are the consequences of union...these are the gifts that are bestowed when we take the journey into the heart. And I am so grateful for the journey, for this assignment to fully embody Divine love. My heart is open and full...there is nothing more for me to do now...just relax and allow all Good to flow forth. I am ready, that I am. I am receiving, that I am. I am that, I am.
A new life is beginning for me...the life of the heart. Sourced in love, as love...free to fully give and receive love. I have made it home...the hero's journey, the monster transformed in love...I am making my return, bearing the gifts and the promises of the Sacred Heart. I have been fully initiated and consecrated in Love's mysteries.
I am ready to begin again.
I am ready for love.
Amen.
Late Night with London
It's 12:20 a.m. Friday morning and I am laying on my bed, waiting for my friend James to call from London. I think London is 8 hours ahead. I am going to blog, although I warn you...late night blogging after not sleeping much the previous night can be fuzzy!
Truth, Integrity, Love, Wholeness. These are the words on my tender, open heart tonight. I am learning about integrity and truth...I am learning about being emotionally revealed and naked to myself...acknowledging the feelings and honoring my longings. I am finding an innocence and wholeness in freely acknowledging the truth of my heart and sharing that truth with others, detaching from what others may think, how they might respond...I am letting loose of the control and manipulation of my own experience and allowing my naked heart to feel what it feels, to love what it loves, to desire what it desires. I am fully honoring my authentic experience and allowing others to have theirs. I am finally living the age-old adage, "to thine own self be true." And in living that truth I find I am truly, wholly available to love others in an authentic and honoring way. This is the underlying rhythm of the holy mantra..."I love myself, I love you, I love you, I love myself."
It is now 2:11 a.m. and I just got off the phone with James. We talked about faith, God and the reality of life -- careers, relationship, money. At one point I said to James, "faith is in the details." Yes, faith is in the details. This is where the rubber meets the road. It is beautiful to have a faith in the transcendental God...but here is the rub, can you, will you have faith in an imminent God? The embodied, present in the very details of your latest and greatest challenge type of God? Faith is trusting in the Good of life, the God of life...that is inextricably woven into the exact circumstances of your life -- the relationship, the job search, the financial dilemma. It is in this context that we are called to have a radical faith and know that God is in the details of our lives. We step forward into these experiences with as much faith, and truth and integrity as we can gather and we trust that we will be met with grace, love and beauty -- unexpected miracles. Where else can we really practice an embodied faith except for in the areas of our lives that are most challenging, the situations that have us backed up against a wall, on the edge, trembling and baffled?
I am committed to living a life of embodied faith...where I experiment with how much radical, juicy, logic-defying faith I can fan into flame. I am ready to make a quantum leap in what's possible...to go beyond limited ideas of the collective and move to the edge of unknown. Leap, fly, soar.
I think that these two threads weave a beautiful tapestry...1) Disrobe and become naked to yourself...let yourself have an intimate relationship with your own internal landscape...emotional authenticity....let yourself feel, want, desire, long...and 2) Enact faithful and bold moves in the details of your life...expect to be showered with miracles.
This is the Rx of the now. Reveal the naked mind-heart-soul and leap into the unknown mystery knowing that there is a safety net called Love here now, to catch your fall.
I am so in love.
I am so grateful for this life and all of its mysteries.
In love,
Anakha
Truth, Integrity, Love, Wholeness. These are the words on my tender, open heart tonight. I am learning about integrity and truth...I am learning about being emotionally revealed and naked to myself...acknowledging the feelings and honoring my longings. I am finding an innocence and wholeness in freely acknowledging the truth of my heart and sharing that truth with others, detaching from what others may think, how they might respond...I am letting loose of the control and manipulation of my own experience and allowing my naked heart to feel what it feels, to love what it loves, to desire what it desires. I am fully honoring my authentic experience and allowing others to have theirs. I am finally living the age-old adage, "to thine own self be true." And in living that truth I find I am truly, wholly available to love others in an authentic and honoring way. This is the underlying rhythm of the holy mantra..."I love myself, I love you, I love you, I love myself."
It is now 2:11 a.m. and I just got off the phone with James. We talked about faith, God and the reality of life -- careers, relationship, money. At one point I said to James, "faith is in the details." Yes, faith is in the details. This is where the rubber meets the road. It is beautiful to have a faith in the transcendental God...but here is the rub, can you, will you have faith in an imminent God? The embodied, present in the very details of your latest and greatest challenge type of God? Faith is trusting in the Good of life, the God of life...that is inextricably woven into the exact circumstances of your life -- the relationship, the job search, the financial dilemma. It is in this context that we are called to have a radical faith and know that God is in the details of our lives. We step forward into these experiences with as much faith, and truth and integrity as we can gather and we trust that we will be met with grace, love and beauty -- unexpected miracles. Where else can we really practice an embodied faith except for in the areas of our lives that are most challenging, the situations that have us backed up against a wall, on the edge, trembling and baffled?
I am committed to living a life of embodied faith...where I experiment with how much radical, juicy, logic-defying faith I can fan into flame. I am ready to make a quantum leap in what's possible...to go beyond limited ideas of the collective and move to the edge of unknown. Leap, fly, soar.
I think that these two threads weave a beautiful tapestry...1) Disrobe and become naked to yourself...let yourself have an intimate relationship with your own internal landscape...emotional authenticity....let yourself feel, want, desire, long...and 2) Enact faithful and bold moves in the details of your life...expect to be showered with miracles.
This is the Rx of the now. Reveal the naked mind-heart-soul and leap into the unknown mystery knowing that there is a safety net called Love here now, to catch your fall.
I am so in love.
I am so grateful for this life and all of its mysteries.
In love,
Anakha
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Heart to Heart Resuscitation
"We all need heart to heart resuscitation."
~ Ram Dass ~
https://www.evolvinglifeministries.org/ENG/30.0.php
The audio of the message offered by James Twyman and myself from last night ~
Be the Change, Embody the Change!
and, a trailer from The Moses Code, James' new film, of which I have a couple of small and beautiful parts to play in!
http://www.themosescode.com
Stay tuned for more information on an upcoming ritual of sacred intimacy, called the
Feast of Love and a year-long intensive immersion into Sacred Passion, Sacred Intimacy!
Much love,
Anakha
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Stand Up Inside Yourself!
"Stand up inside yourself!"
This was the answer I received to my request this morning prior to taking the Eucharist (Holy Communion) during a prayerful conversation with Yeshua. I had asked him if I he would take me inside his mystical body...to allow me to live fully in him. To live as he lived, to love as he loved. And in the silence that followed that prayer I heard him say quite simply and plainly..."stand up inside yourself."
It is time to stand up inside myself. My mystical legs may be wobbling from the Fire of the Night, my heart still wounded from the piercing of love...yet, it is clear that Yeshua is urging me to stand up, to stand up inside myself. To take a firm stand regarding the path I am walking into Love, to not be dissuaded, to stand within my spiritual authority as sacred heart mystic and to teach the path of salvation in Love. To walk the path of the Naked Sacred Heart.
I danced today amongst a sea of people. There must have been 100+ beings making their prayer vigil to the Beloved in the dance this morning. I practiced standing up inside myself in the dance...watching the urge to be swept away by another...returning to the pillar of love that resides in my core and moving outward again. At one point I remember standing firm, arms outstretched to the sky, my eyes turned inward to my heart, being filled with the Divine Presence...I open my eyes to see 6 people standing around me, encircling me, standing up inside themselves with me. This is the beauty and the promise of joining one another in this dance into becoming Love. We border each other's solitudes, we support each other in the soul's descent and ascent into Radiant, Ecstatic Love.
This is the challenge and the opportunity for each of us. To dive into the Mystery, to stay under until we find the lost treasure of our Essence...the Essential...the I Am that I Am and to surface ever so gently so as not to lose the precious cargo we carry. To return to our community standing up inside ourselves, gifts in hands outstretched. This is our gift to the planet...to offer ourselves, our Awakened, Embodied Essence. To stand in the integrity of who we are, are native wiring, our natural state.
Yeshua continues to remind me to seek first the kingdom of the I AM in the internal temple. To connect with the essential so that I can stand up inside myself. I am Christ's eyes, hands, feet, heart and so are you. When we stand up in and as the Love that we are we become mystical manna to nourish one another. God, it doesn't get any better than that! We are Christic Fuel for the journey!
I am being urged to share with you my current spiritual practice...which I will call Naked Heart Manna...it is a way to be fortified in the Christ Presence. It was designed between Andrew Harvey and myself as a way to support my transformation into Love.
Naked Heart Manna -- Daily Spiritual Practice
1. The Holy Eucharist -- Being fed and nourished by Christ to be infused with Divine Love and to be sustained in the Divine Presence. Accompanied by prayers to address three crucial aspects of the journey: Grounding, Courage and Ecstatic Love.
Courage: Ask the Christ Force...Divine Love...to enter into your most vulnerable, constricted, fearful places, ask for the Light to come and heal, transform, resurrect. These are revealed and vulnerable prayers...asking for the Light to penetrate the wound. Like the image of Magdalena tending to Christ's wounds at the foot of the cross. We are tended to with the tenderness of the Mother.
Grounding: Tether yourself in prayer with clear devotion and donation to the path of Love. Ground yourself in Love...remembering Yeshua's plea to Love One Another! Repeat the Aramaic words in chant -- Det haboon had l'had akyana d'ena ahabtekoon or Alaha Huba -- The Love that Creates Sacred Unity.
Ecstatic Love: Read ecstatic poetry to infuse your heart with Love, to open your Soul...to keep it ajar to the ecstatic experience. Hildegard, St. Teresa, Rumi, etc.
2. Hot Spiritual Practice: Ecstatic Dance or Kundalini Yoga to raise the vibration, to stir the Holy Spirit, the Kundalini. To open the heart, the body, the mind, the soul...to open and strengthen the Life Force, the Christ Force.
3. Service to the Anawim: To be in service to those in need, the lost, the suffering, the incarcerated, the sick, the lost sheep.
I would love to hear from any of you that decide to take any aspect of this practice for your own. I am also available to help you design your own spiritual practice to fully support your own transformation and blossoming in Love based on your unique path and needs. My fee scale for spiritual direction and intuitive counseling is $150 -- $300 for a 90-minute session. 503.334.6262!
XO, Big Love from the Naked Sacred Heart!
A
St. Teresa of Avila -- Ascent, Descent
From one of the mystic's in my lineage...St. Teresa of Avila ~ Author of the Interior Castle...
Nada te turbe, nada t'espante
Quien a Dios tiene, nada le falte;
Nada te turbe, nada t'espante
Solo Dios basta.
Quien a Dios tiene, nada le falte;
Nada te turbe, nada t'espante
Solo Dios basta.
Let nothing disturb you.
Let nothing frighten you.
All things pass.
God does not change.
Patience achieves everything.
Whoever has God lacks nothing.
God alone suffices.
Let nothing frighten you.
All things pass.
God does not change.
Patience achieves everything.
Whoever has God lacks nothing.
God alone suffices.
Because there is a crucial connection in the divine plan between advanced prayer/mystical union and generous suffering, we may not omit to mention the extraordinary continuity and number of physical illnesses that beset Teresa from about age twenty until her death at sixty-seven. While most writers dealing with the Tersian account of contemplation may see no particular significance in the saint's sicknesses, spiritual direction over the years has taught this observer that there is a close correlation between suffering well and growth in prayer depth. Of itself, of course, suffering improves no one, for a person can become bitter in his woes. But trials borne with love and in union with the crucified Beloved make one grow by leaps and bounds. I have noticed this connection over and over through the years. Students of contemplation must attend to what cannot be coincidental, namely, that this woman who reached the heights of contemplative prayer also descended to the inner abyss of pain. From her early twenties Teresa was in daily discomfort, sometimes in agony.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
From Agony to Ecstacy
It is said that --
enlightenment appears dark,
the progressive way appears retrograde,
the smooth way appears jagged,
the highest peak of revelation appears empty like a valley,
the cleanest appears to be soiled,
the greatest abundance appears insufficient,
the most enduring inner strength appears like weakness,
and creativity appears imitative.
~ Observing and Nourishing Paradox, Tao Te Ching ~
I am sure some of you who read my blog may be questioning what this journey is all about...if I am losing my mind...if I am regressing or progressing. I know for some my deep immersion in the darkness is frightening...that you would rather everything be roses and sunshine, or at least be existing in some numbed, half-awake state. And for some it is a relief to see someone living as close to the bone...as revealed as I seem to be living these days.
I am grateful for two of my Beloveds, Johnny and Patriciafaye, for having the courage to express their judgements this week which have allowed me to deepen into the truth of what this journey into Love is, what it requires and why it is being enacted on the Soul of the planet...and particularly my soul, at this time. Patriciafaye said, "Anakha, sometimes you are writing from constriction." Yes, Patriciafaye...I am...constriction, expansion...that is the birthing canal pushing, pulling me, moving me into new life. Yes, many times I am writing from fear, from confusion, from doubt...this is an authentic part of the journey into Love. Johnny wrote, "I wish you would just stay evolved instead of regressing." Yes, Johnny, I know it would be easier for you not to hear of and feel this pain...a pain that somehow touches your own...I know it would be easier if I wrote of the bliss of life...which I will...when it is truly here. I know you want me to be happy and please know, that my greatest happiness comes from my devotion to this path, it truly does.
Here is what I know for sure. I set out to awaken my heart...to embody love...to understand truly and completely the path that our Master Teacher Yeshua walked and lived. I asked for a full opening to Love. And yes, for 40 days I was taken into the ecstatic state, communing with God, with Yeshua, with my Soul and with nature. This is part of the story....and in some ways a necessary part, but not the most important part of the transformation that was necessary, vital if I were to fully come into Love. As I am understanding it now, my time in retreat was a time of Divine Infusion...a time for my Soul to be nourished and fortified for the journey that lay ahead. A time for me to gather the strength spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically to fully penetrate the darkness, the lies, the illusions and to completely be free of the prisons, safety nets, comfort zones, hiding places. That is what is occurring...I am becoming free, I am becoming love.
And it is absolutely necessary to be tethered in the powerful Presence of Divine Love and Divine Sustenance to be able to dive down into this darkness...to go on this journey to resurrect the lost Soul. To penetrate and move beyond our individual and collective prisons of fear and stagnation...we must break open, we must go into the darkness, we must tell the truth...then and only then can we become free. Why else haven't we been liberated until now? Why haven't those sexy affirmations and powerful intentions bought us our freedom? I'll tell you why...because it doesn't matter what the conscious mind intends if the the Soul, if the Heart is still imprisoned by the darkness held in the unconscious. We must call all of ourselves home into present time...we must enact a full soul retrieval...we must live with an open heart to even begin to bring the higher spiritual laws into our domain in a powerful and sustainable and life-giving way.
I am here to say, that the way to liberation in these times requires that we be willing to lose our minds, to become unstable, to experience challenging material, to regress, to deal with Shadow, to fall apart. And this path is not for the weak because it takes an unbelievable amount of spiritual maturity, strength, faith and mental and emotional grit to move into the dark and stay with the grief, despair, confusion...to stay in and with until the true Light, the true Miracle surrenders itself to your core, in your soul.
Yes, I set out to become Love, to know Love, to know what it takes to awaken the Sacred Heart. I am receiving the stigmata of the Sacred Heart....my heart is being pierced with the same grief and pain and sadness that Yeshua's was. This is occurring because this is what my Soul contracted for, because this is what is needed for our collective awakening in love, because when we wake up we will finally start experiencing the heartbreak of the world. The sleeping, closed, constricted heart must be opened, must be pierced, must be awakened. That is where the healing salve to heal the planet, to heal the despair, to heal the anawim is buried. That is how a radical compassion that fuels sacred action will be born.
Are you willing to leave your comfort zone, your spiritual look good and have it together zone, your I am enlightened zone, your XYZ zone...to truly be taken on the journey into Love? Do you have the courage, the tenacity, the commitment to endure grief, sadness and confusion for a day, a month, a year if it meant that you would be delivered to a radically new and powerful experience of Love? Would you take this journey if you knew that the well-being of every person on the planet depended on it?
This is it. This is what is here now. And yes I smile, and yes I laugh and yes I dance and yes I love...all the way through all aspects of this journey. Pray for me, pray with me, pray unceasingly during these times. If our hearts wake up and open...truly wake up and open...then we can be assured that we will wake up to the heartbreak of the planet and if we stay in the darkness...the diamond will be surrendered. That diamond, is our collective soul...coming home, coming into wholeness. That diamond is our glory, is our gift, is our good. That diamond is God giving birth to God in our Soul.
From agony to ecstasy...this is the path of my sacred, naked heart.
And this path, it is mine. My path to walk, my path to share.
Join me if it calls to you. Observe if it intrigues. Take, eat if it nourishes.
I love you. I love myself. I love you. I love myself.
Ameyn. In Jesus' Name, Amen.
In honor and adoration for the Sacred Heart.
Amen.
enlightenment appears dark,
the progressive way appears retrograde,
the smooth way appears jagged,
the highest peak of revelation appears empty like a valley,
the cleanest appears to be soiled,
the greatest abundance appears insufficient,
the most enduring inner strength appears like weakness,
and creativity appears imitative.
~ Observing and Nourishing Paradox, Tao Te Ching ~
I am sure some of you who read my blog may be questioning what this journey is all about...if I am losing my mind...if I am regressing or progressing. I know for some my deep immersion in the darkness is frightening...that you would rather everything be roses and sunshine, or at least be existing in some numbed, half-awake state. And for some it is a relief to see someone living as close to the bone...as revealed as I seem to be living these days.
I am grateful for two of my Beloveds, Johnny and Patriciafaye, for having the courage to express their judgements this week which have allowed me to deepen into the truth of what this journey into Love is, what it requires and why it is being enacted on the Soul of the planet...and particularly my soul, at this time. Patriciafaye said, "Anakha, sometimes you are writing from constriction." Yes, Patriciafaye...I am...constriction, expansion...that is the birthing canal pushing, pulling me, moving me into new life. Yes, many times I am writing from fear, from confusion, from doubt...this is an authentic part of the journey into Love. Johnny wrote, "I wish you would just stay evolved instead of regressing." Yes, Johnny, I know it would be easier for you not to hear of and feel this pain...a pain that somehow touches your own...I know it would be easier if I wrote of the bliss of life...which I will...when it is truly here. I know you want me to be happy and please know, that my greatest happiness comes from my devotion to this path, it truly does.
Here is what I know for sure. I set out to awaken my heart...to embody love...to understand truly and completely the path that our Master Teacher Yeshua walked and lived. I asked for a full opening to Love. And yes, for 40 days I was taken into the ecstatic state, communing with God, with Yeshua, with my Soul and with nature. This is part of the story....and in some ways a necessary part, but not the most important part of the transformation that was necessary, vital if I were to fully come into Love. As I am understanding it now, my time in retreat was a time of Divine Infusion...a time for my Soul to be nourished and fortified for the journey that lay ahead. A time for me to gather the strength spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically to fully penetrate the darkness, the lies, the illusions and to completely be free of the prisons, safety nets, comfort zones, hiding places. That is what is occurring...I am becoming free, I am becoming love.
And it is absolutely necessary to be tethered in the powerful Presence of Divine Love and Divine Sustenance to be able to dive down into this darkness...to go on this journey to resurrect the lost Soul. To penetrate and move beyond our individual and collective prisons of fear and stagnation...we must break open, we must go into the darkness, we must tell the truth...then and only then can we become free. Why else haven't we been liberated until now? Why haven't those sexy affirmations and powerful intentions bought us our freedom? I'll tell you why...because it doesn't matter what the conscious mind intends if the the Soul, if the Heart is still imprisoned by the darkness held in the unconscious. We must call all of ourselves home into present time...we must enact a full soul retrieval...we must live with an open heart to even begin to bring the higher spiritual laws into our domain in a powerful and sustainable and life-giving way.
I am here to say, that the way to liberation in these times requires that we be willing to lose our minds, to become unstable, to experience challenging material, to regress, to deal with Shadow, to fall apart. And this path is not for the weak because it takes an unbelievable amount of spiritual maturity, strength, faith and mental and emotional grit to move into the dark and stay with the grief, despair, confusion...to stay in and with until the true Light, the true Miracle surrenders itself to your core, in your soul.
Yes, I set out to become Love, to know Love, to know what it takes to awaken the Sacred Heart. I am receiving the stigmata of the Sacred Heart....my heart is being pierced with the same grief and pain and sadness that Yeshua's was. This is occurring because this is what my Soul contracted for, because this is what is needed for our collective awakening in love, because when we wake up we will finally start experiencing the heartbreak of the world. The sleeping, closed, constricted heart must be opened, must be pierced, must be awakened. That is where the healing salve to heal the planet, to heal the despair, to heal the anawim is buried. That is how a radical compassion that fuels sacred action will be born.
Are you willing to leave your comfort zone, your spiritual look good and have it together zone, your I am enlightened zone, your XYZ zone...to truly be taken on the journey into Love? Do you have the courage, the tenacity, the commitment to endure grief, sadness and confusion for a day, a month, a year if it meant that you would be delivered to a radically new and powerful experience of Love? Would you take this journey if you knew that the well-being of every person on the planet depended on it?
This is it. This is what is here now. And yes I smile, and yes I laugh and yes I dance and yes I love...all the way through all aspects of this journey. Pray for me, pray with me, pray unceasingly during these times. If our hearts wake up and open...truly wake up and open...then we can be assured that we will wake up to the heartbreak of the planet and if we stay in the darkness...the diamond will be surrendered. That diamond, is our collective soul...coming home, coming into wholeness. That diamond is our glory, is our gift, is our good. That diamond is God giving birth to God in our Soul.
From agony to ecstasy...this is the path of my sacred, naked heart.
And this path, it is mine. My path to walk, my path to share.
Join me if it calls to you. Observe if it intrigues. Take, eat if it nourishes.
I love you. I love myself. I love you. I love myself.
Ameyn. In Jesus' Name, Amen.
In honor and adoration for the Sacred Heart.
Amen.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Wade in the Water
Wading in the waters of emotions, adrift at sea, my anchor touches ground and I find myself making contact with the essential...with my essence...with another dismembered part ready to slip back into place. I am wading in the waters of emotions, spilling open in sadness, confusion, grief, despair...diving down, inward to my soul...spiraling in and touching into the ground of being, the I Am and from there I rise, I move with a new lightness, I have reclaimed the gift, the treasure buried in the seas of the essential...surfacing into new life. I am a diver on her mystical journey to re-membering her essential self...bringing the lost treasure home to my soul. I am a broken-hearted lover re-assembling the pieces of her heart she so carelessly gave away and left behind. I am an inventor, a Divine Creator...I am a piece of clay in my Sculptor's hands. I am giving way to the motions of the Divine over my Soul and tonight, yes tonight at 12:16 a.m. (or is it morning?)...I feel the grief subside and a peace...the peace beyond understanding slip into my core, like a wave ever so gently landing on her shore.
I have been so hidden from myself and from others for so long. I have kept my most precious innermost gifts behind the veil. I have tried to connect without sharing my anger, my sadness, my longing, my despair, my joy. I am finding the beauty in the exposure of the naked heart with my friends, with my mother, with my community...and in that place and space I am human and I can be seen and we can experience what we long for...the beauty and sweetness of sacred intimacy. I have left the tower of protection and I am wandering in the streets and alleys of open hearted loving, emotional authenticity and transparent loving.
I am wading in the waters of oceanic tides, emotions flowing...yes, truth heals, truth frees. I see Yeshua nodding...yes, you shall know the truth and the truth will set you free. Earlier today I couldn't see what was trying to occur, what alchemy the Divine was enacting on my soul, tonight I see that I am being asked to become naked with myself, to become naked with you...to share the Truth...so we can both be free.
I remember one of Vinn Marti's sayings...."drop your look good for the good look of God!" I am on my knees tonight surrendering my look good...admitting that I don't have it together and that yes, I need the love and the support of real people showing up as God, as Love in my life to make it through this great death and this great birth.
Let's wade in the waters together, shall we? Let's disrobe and dismantle and disarm and dissolve. Let's get together, let's swim in the oceanic waters of Love.
Wade in the water, wade in the water...oh children, wade
Anakha
I have been so hidden from myself and from others for so long. I have kept my most precious innermost gifts behind the veil. I have tried to connect without sharing my anger, my sadness, my longing, my despair, my joy. I am finding the beauty in the exposure of the naked heart with my friends, with my mother, with my community...and in that place and space I am human and I can be seen and we can experience what we long for...the beauty and sweetness of sacred intimacy. I have left the tower of protection and I am wandering in the streets and alleys of open hearted loving, emotional authenticity and transparent loving.
I am wading in the waters of oceanic tides, emotions flowing...yes, truth heals, truth frees. I see Yeshua nodding...yes, you shall know the truth and the truth will set you free. Earlier today I couldn't see what was trying to occur, what alchemy the Divine was enacting on my soul, tonight I see that I am being asked to become naked with myself, to become naked with you...to share the Truth...so we can both be free.
I remember one of Vinn Marti's sayings...."drop your look good for the good look of God!" I am on my knees tonight surrendering my look good...admitting that I don't have it together and that yes, I need the love and the support of real people showing up as God, as Love in my life to make it through this great death and this great birth.
Let's wade in the waters together, shall we? Let's disrobe and dismantle and disarm and dissolve. Let's get together, let's swim in the oceanic waters of Love.
Wade in the water, wade in the water...oh children, wade
Anakha
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Truth Heals, Truth Frees!
I am grateful for my life tonight. Grateful for the range of experiences, the breadth of emotion, the depths, the heights. I can embrace it all as a part of bringing my soul into ecstacy. I see it now, more clearly...the circutous path of the labyrinth. I see this movemetn of my soul into God and moving out again. Constriction, expansion, open, close, beauty, beast, ego, spirit...it's all good, it's all Love and it's all God. I no longer deny, represes, cut-off any experience on this path...I surrender my life, I allow, I embrace. I dance. I love. I write. I cry. I smile. I struggle. I soar. I love that I am a person that is willing to follow and devote herself to a path with heart, with soul. I appreciate that I am willing to struggle, to suffer, to feel pain, to withstand the dark so that I may emerge more whole, more clear and more able to embody love and give love and receive love. Tonight I give myself kudos for my willingness, my preserverance, my devotion and my obedience. Tonight I love myself and am grateful for my life. I pray to be more humble, more grateful, more trusting. I am ready Spirit to soar in my life, I am ready...take me where I belong. Thank you to those of you that read my words, that witness my journey into awakening my heart, revealing my heart...into emobdying love...into reclaiming my feminine soul. My prayer tonight is that we all have the courage to enter into the darkness, to reveal the truth, to remember who we are. May we remember truth heals, truth frees. And so it is Amen.
Friday, January 4, 2008
Fast to Feast
There is a part of me today that wants to announce...."the Naked Heart is officially closed." I stare at this blank blogger page and nothing seems important to say or to share. My mind feels strangely numb, as if my head were floating disconnected from my body. My body and my heart want to stay open for naked hearted business...for continuing to open into love...but my mind, my mind is screaming, "let's get a job, let's hideaway, let's abort this mission, there's no book, there's no message, there's no meaning here." The mind is a crazy, maddening and beautiful thing isn't it? It's capacity and ingenuity for whipping up hallucinations, imaginations, illusions is quite astounding. It is a wonder that anything true or real is ever perceived or conceived given its capacity to distort and distract. Oooohhh today, well today, I will just love my crazy, disembodied mind...I will give it loud, wet kisses and tease it into rolling laughter. Yes, Beloveds, we must play and joke and laugh with the overly serious mind...our lives and our sanity depend on it.
Yes, my mind has been playing tricks with me today as I set out to transcribe the 3 journals filled with writing from the 40 day retreat this July. First I grew amazingly tired and had to take a nap with Jack, then I decided to play with Yahoo Messenger and now finally after staring at this blog page, I am writing to you all. How easily I can be dissuaded from my mission! How quickly I can be distracted from what I claim to hold most dear! Where are my spiritual kahunas? Where is my disciplined backbone? Geez...at this rate, the first reading of my book will be at my funeral. I actually smile at that thought...oh, the folly of it all.
Today is a beginning...another beginning...today I started a spiritual fast...fasting from fear, feasting on love, fasting from food, feasting on raw juice, fasting from distraction, feasting on purpose, fasting from illusion, feasting on Christ. I give myself about a C+ so far. The fasting from food is the easiest for me...fasting from self-doubt, confusion, uncertainty...well, that is a bit more challenging especially when I sit down to what I am called to do. What an interesting dance this hero's journey is.
And, I am breaking through...things are in motion...the Naked Heart is open for business...the thriving, check your small, disillusioned life at the door sort of business. I am coming up and out. I am making my way front and center...taking my place on the stage of my life now. Writing, teaching, speaking, counseling...it is all unfolding, one step, one breath at a time. The book has been written...is being written one word at time...Christ pouring inspiration into my heart, words infused with an alchemical potency never experienced before.
I am ready to begin again. I am starting anew. Committed to my core. Committed to keeping my naked heart open and thriving. Committed to serving you, my Beloveds in love, as love, with love.
Will you join me? Will you help me bring these inspired writings, these teachings forward with beauty, grace, potency and love? You can help...promote me, refer me, support me, love me, help me, challenge me, awaken me, poke and prod me into this abundantly new life that has arrived, here now.
Together we can bring Love back, we can fan the flames of our tender hearts, we can bring warmth to the cold places. Today we can begin again, dedicating our lives to resurrecting Love in the world! Let it be so....
With love,
Anakha
P.S. Nichole is in custody -- safe and secure. She confessed to the officer and was forthcoming with everything....took 100% responsibility. I am sad and miss her and am also trusting the divine order in her life. I will give you more of the story later...suffice it to say...she is deeply heartbroken by her actions and by the hurt she caused. Right now, I can't bear to share more. I just wish I could hold her. For now, please send your love to this young one. God is on the playing field of her life. I AM. Amen.
Yes, my mind has been playing tricks with me today as I set out to transcribe the 3 journals filled with writing from the 40 day retreat this July. First I grew amazingly tired and had to take a nap with Jack, then I decided to play with Yahoo Messenger and now finally after staring at this blog page, I am writing to you all. How easily I can be dissuaded from my mission! How quickly I can be distracted from what I claim to hold most dear! Where are my spiritual kahunas? Where is my disciplined backbone? Geez...at this rate, the first reading of my book will be at my funeral. I actually smile at that thought...oh, the folly of it all.
Today is a beginning...another beginning...today I started a spiritual fast...fasting from fear, feasting on love, fasting from food, feasting on raw juice, fasting from distraction, feasting on purpose, fasting from illusion, feasting on Christ. I give myself about a C+ so far. The fasting from food is the easiest for me...fasting from self-doubt, confusion, uncertainty...well, that is a bit more challenging especially when I sit down to what I am called to do. What an interesting dance this hero's journey is.
And, I am breaking through...things are in motion...the Naked Heart is open for business...the thriving, check your small, disillusioned life at the door sort of business. I am coming up and out. I am making my way front and center...taking my place on the stage of my life now. Writing, teaching, speaking, counseling...it is all unfolding, one step, one breath at a time. The book has been written...is being written one word at time...Christ pouring inspiration into my heart, words infused with an alchemical potency never experienced before.
I am ready to begin again. I am starting anew. Committed to my core. Committed to keeping my naked heart open and thriving. Committed to serving you, my Beloveds in love, as love, with love.
Will you join me? Will you help me bring these inspired writings, these teachings forward with beauty, grace, potency and love? You can help...promote me, refer me, support me, love me, help me, challenge me, awaken me, poke and prod me into this abundantly new life that has arrived, here now.
Together we can bring Love back, we can fan the flames of our tender hearts, we can bring warmth to the cold places. Today we can begin again, dedicating our lives to resurrecting Love in the world! Let it be so....
With love,
Anakha
P.S. Nichole is in custody -- safe and secure. She confessed to the officer and was forthcoming with everything....took 100% responsibility. I am sad and miss her and am also trusting the divine order in her life. I will give you more of the story later...suffice it to say...she is deeply heartbroken by her actions and by the hurt she caused. Right now, I can't bear to share more. I just wish I could hold her. For now, please send your love to this young one. God is on the playing field of her life. I AM. Amen.
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