Sacred Chaos

It's 6:39 a.m. on Saturday morning...just 2 days before we turn into the new year. My heart is bleeding from the inside out...stricken by the vulnerability of oneness...experiencing the consequences of loving with a naked, unguarded heart. There is a price to pay when we disrobe, dismantle, disarm and dissolve...there are consequences to unguarding our hearts...living without the numbing coma of addiction...the frenzy of delusion and distraction. I am fully present now, in my naked heart...feeling the immensity and intensity of the human experience. As I descend from the tower of my mind...the seat of control, constriction, fabrication, illusion...into the temple of my heart...the house of love, surrender, compassion, openness...I experience vertigo, a dizziness...a loosing and a losing of control. I am not who I thought I was. Life is not what I thought it was. I have fallen into the chasm between past and future...spiraling into the truth of here and now. Where is my terra firma? There is no solid ground...my lifeline is my heart right now and the love, the astounding love and compassion that is flowing through me...flooding me. My thoughts when followed are dead-end streets...dissolving into nothingness...meaningless islands in a dark sea of nothingness. I have lost all semblance of control...I have surrendered to my Beloved in the fullness. There is only a thread of my former self now. Am I dissolving into essence or going insane? Do I need patience and silence or Prozac and therapy? Am I becoming a slacker or resting in gentle repose? I have been turned upside down, shaken, dumped out...where are the pieces of my former self...gone. Who will put this humpty dumpty back together again?

I spoke this Christmas eve about how Christ is born in the darkness. The Christ is born when our Soul enters the darkness...this is where profound miracles of love and healing occur. Christ isn't born in our lives in the midst of our ascension....our enlightenment...no, the Christ is born in the night of God...the darkness...the lowly place...the manger of our Soul...the tomb, pre-resurrection. In my message I spoke of three aspects of this darkness...1) The place of our sacred wound, our most vulnerable place, the place where fear reigns in our psyches, our hearts...when invited, the limitless power of Christ's love will enter this place and alchemize, fortify, sooth, salve, save, 2) The place of unknowing, the great mystery...the place where we lose our limited knowledge for the true gnosis of God. For this to occur we must swap our mental control for Divine will and a radical faith...this is where the astounding wisdom of Christic love is born, 3) The dark womb of the Mother...the place where we enter the dark, become gently dis-membered and re-membered in Christ...in the pattern and the promise of the I Am...to birth the expression of the One that we are here to manifest in the real. This is the place of the cocoon...the caterpillar turned to goop, imaginal cells searching for one another...the gestation time before the butterfly of the true self emerges.

I am in the darkness of the sacred wound, I am in the night of God, I am the goop of the dismembered self. And in the midst of this my heart is being opened, initiated further into the fires of Christic Love. I trust I am in the holy crucible, that I am held in the arms of the Beloved as I undergo this sacred alchemy. I hope to make it through this...I must trust that the Beloved of my Soul will deliver me to the Kingdom...I am ready to rest and allow the Universe to love me as the adorable one that I am...I am ready to be adored...loved into new life.

I arrived home on the 26th to one of my own Beloved's betrayal of herself...one of the women that I have mentored and loved from Coffee Creek stole two cars from our driveway on Christmas day (one of them a brand new Prius...5 days old). I have been reeling from the heartbreak of loving someone so completely and the agony of seeing that person throw her life away time and time again. "Love always reaches, Anakha...maybe not today, or this year...or maybe not in her lifetime...but Love reaches...always. We never love in vain," these were the words Andrew spoke to me that first night as I spiraled into my own grief, disbelief and doubt. Since that night I have been calling this young woman every hour on the hour...reminding her of who she is...how much life she still has to live, telling her how much I love her, that she is forgiven...that it is time to face the consequences, stop running and come home. I received a text message from her last night...she is ready to go in...face her life...return for another, long stay at Coffee Creek.

Can I love myself in the midst of my own self-doubt and shame? Can I love her in the darkness of deceit? Can I love my roommates as they spiral through anger, frustration and disbelief? Can I love this world and all its woundedness, in all of its injustice, in all of its glory and sublime sweetness and soul-aching tenderness?

Am I becoming a true sacred heart mystic...able to experience the immensity, intensity and intimacy of Love...or am I going to end up as pool of water dissolving into the earth...swallowed up in Sacred Love...forever? I am reminded of a book sitting on the bookshelf to my right..."Are you becoming enlightened or losing your mind?

I think that just maybe...becoming enlightened means losing your mind...putting on the mind of Christ...residing in the temple of love. Stay tuned to see...

For now, I wait for a call from this young woman...when it is time I will go get her...call the officer and escort her to jail...with as much love and grace and dignity that we all can gather. I intend to realize this part of my journey...and hers...as sacred.

God works miracles in the darkness. The Christ is born in the darkness of the Soul.
This is my prayer...come my Beloved...enter my darkness, enter our darkness...birth your Sacred Love, your Sacred Wisdom, your Sacred Self in the fabric of this life.

Let us pray...