Exquisite Order

All is in perfect order...always, all ways. The grief, the despair, the Crucifixion, the resurrection, the joy, the bliss...all aspects of the One perfect order moving in, through and as my life. I am grateful for my life...the flickers of light in the dark were real...are real...I am emerging slowly, carefully from this dark night. Once I fully surrendered to the discomfort...once I was willing to stop bitching about how hard this was, once I finally felt the full measure of despair, the release began. A new wholeness is emerging. A new willingness to just be who I am...fully, moment to moment has taken root.

I experienced this in the dance tonight...the theme, Dark Radiance...we danced into the darkness...relentlessly pursuing and surrendering to the dark, penetrating it with our abandon until it surrendered the diamond, the gem, the concealed radiance. I danced with all the parts of myself that I have judged...or others have judged...the parts I have tried to dismember, suppress, make pretty, water down -- I danced the anger, I danced the erotic, I danced the neurotic, I danced the shamanpriestessprophetwoman, I danced the seductress, I danced the joy, I danced the bliss, I danced the surrender and there on that dance floor, I came into wholeness.

I have invested a lot of my life force in trying to be someone I am not....trying to be good, holy, appropriate, loved, and in the process suppressing the most powerful, juicy and amazing aspects of the I am, that I am. I am ready to bring all of me to the party of life. I am trusting that if the Holy Spirit, the Divine Alchemist didn't burn it away, then it is fair game...that it is essential to me, to my life and to my contribution to this silent, sacred heart awakening. I am entering this time of sweet emergence and integration and I am grateful for the change of internal scenery.

There is an exquisite order to life...yes there is, the heartbreak, the tear down, the dissolution, the build-up, the infusion, the Resurrection.

I was reminded of that today...seeing vinn after more than 2 years of absence. A prayer was answered for me today, a miracle of reconciliation occurred...I found myself sitting across the table from this Beloved One who taught me so much...this amazing man that I have loved with, struggled with, learned with, fought with, created with, laughed with, danced with. Here we were...dropping into a rhythm, a conversation, an interchange between two devoted lovers of God.

What can I say other than thank you. Thank you for the Crucifixion, thank you for the fire, thank you for the burning away of all that was inessential. Thank you for the breaking open, thank you for the grief, the despair, thank you for allowing me to feel my brothers and sisters and their silent suffering. Make me an instrument Lord, make me an instrument of your fiery passionate and compassionate Love...make me your instrument.

I am the sacred heart awakening.
We are the sacred heart awakening.
We are burning into love
We are igniting the flame of the sacred heart
We are on fire for God.

And so it is. Amen.