Coming Down from the Cross

I was "told" before leaving for my retreat back in July, that I would receive the stigmata of the Sacred Heart. I remember trying to ignore that whisper, that foreshadowing for days before fully allowing it into my consciousness, accepting it as guidance from my Beloved Yeshua. I remember talking to Aminga about it...I remember feeling apprehensive, I remember her saying to me that her sense was that it would be more emotional than physical.

The stigmata of the Sacred Heart...the heart that holds compassion for the world, for suffering...the heart that is penetrated, pierced by grief. This is the stigmata of the Sacred Heart...being opened into the fires of love through the grief experienced by Christ in the Crucifixion. I have been aware that this deep and seemingly endless grief is connected to my Beloved Yeshua's experience on the cross. My ankles too have been so sore that I am barely able to walk most days. I remember saying to Gene a couple of weeks ago that my sense was that I had been hung by my ankles in a past life or something...and that was such a weird thing to say...since I don't spend much time in that arena. I am now understanding that this too is a part of the stigmata...that I am feeling some effect of the Crucifixion in my own body and heart and spirit. In the retreat at the Beloved Community today I became aware of the full surrender required during the Crucifixion...that Yeshua couldn't do anything to get out of it...it was his destiny...he didn't fight it, he didn't struggle...he blessed with compassion, he donated his heart in forgiveness and he commanded his spirit into the hands and will of God.

I am just barely able to make sense of all that is happening and why...although I know that it is inextricably tied to the intention that moved me into the retreat and continues to move me now -- the intention to awaken my sacred heart...to become an embodiment of love....to radiate love to others, to awaken hearts. Today I walked to the cabin where I spent the 40 days and found the intentions that I had written before the retreat (as dispensated by Yeshua)...pinned to the wall. I took them down and gathered some of my other items and walked away from the cabin. When I rounded the corner near the stone labyrinth I was guided to walk it and place those intentions in the center...fully surrendering my heart, my life, my gifts, my desires, my service to the Divine Will that is ordering and orchestrating my life now.

I also became aware of the question of what is wanting to be crucified in me...what is dying on that cross, what needs to be left behind so I can come down from it...be cradled in the tomb, be wrapped in cloth until the time of my full and complete resurrection into new life and into an unimaginable wholeness that I have never experienced until now.

What is being crucified? Fears, distortions, separations, judgements. That is what wants to be fully surrendered to this Crucifixion...to the hands of God....I want to forgive myself for all the ways that I have betrayed myself...I am the betrayer, I am the betrayed. Forgive me, for I know not what I do...to my self, to others when I do not trust myself, when I question my gifts, when I deny my heart its voice.

I am afraid to come down...I know the Crucifixion...what is the Resurrection? What will be there after this incineration? Can I honor life, will I serve with integrity, will I bring forth the essential and embodied teachings of the Christing that is coming down, rising up, taking over?

I am going to share with you and with God what is keeping me on the cross...what wants to be surrendered so I can come down...

I am afraid I am nothing, know nothing, have nothing essential or worthy to offer, to bring, to teach. I am afraid that even if I do, that I will mess it up, I will distort it and won't honor the integrity of the message. I am afraid I will stop here, that I won't come down, that I will stay frozen in this state of bleeding from the inside. I am afraid that I am insane, that I can't make it in the world, that I am a mistake, that I can't, that I am not smart enough, quick enough, that I don't have what it takes. I am afraid that it is too late, I'm too old, that I am not wise enough, deep enough. That I am invisible...that I don't get it and I will never get it. I am afraid of being impotent..unable to do this. I am afraid that just trusting the moment and being fully present is not enough. I am afraid I am not enough. I am afraid nobody will want me, want what I have to offer...that I am irrelevant, a random part of the Universe that doesn't make sense or have a part to play. I am afraid my nest egg will run out before I get it together. I am afraid I will burden others. I have a lot of fear right now....I must be getting close to something good...those dragons are breathing fire...protecting the gift, guarding the diamond.

I am so afraid of not being able to support myself with my native gifts...I have long left the corporate world...there is no way back...the door is closed...a new one is open...will I step through? Will I choose life or will I die here on the cross?

I am being asked to surrender my doubt, my fear, my worthlessness to the Crucifixion, to the Divine Will...I am surrendering tonight, into your hands I command my Spirit, my Life, make me new in Christ, bring me into a new integrity, a new wholeness, keep me humble, pliable. Move your Sacred Intent, your highest will for the good of all through me and through my life. Lord, make me an instrument of your radical and radiant love. Take me off this cross now...heal my wounds in the tomb, make this suffering holy, resurrect me into new life. I am ready. I commit to being here and walking through the open door in front of me.

I hear Yeshua say, "I am the door, I am the life, I am the Resurrection, I am the shepard, I am the true vine, I am the bread of life...I am your all in the all."

I love you Yeshua, I love you Christ, I love you Jesus, I love you Mary, I love you Magdala, I love you Angels, I love you Beloveds.

I love you Anakha, I do...I love you.

Ameyn.