The Throes of Sacred (Scared) Intimacy!

Tonight, after a day spent in the throes of sacred intimacy...engaging it, being with it, talking about it, filming it, soul-mapping it...I am left with one question, "what is the point?" Why is it that I am pursuing this path? Why have I immersed myself in this work personally and professionally? What is the point...what is my point? God...what is your point?

There are definitely easier paths to take. Like working at a convenience store. My fantasy about being a cashier at 7-Eleven comes to mind tonight.

Why enter into sacred intimacy? Why reveal so much of myself...my fears and hopes to others? Why spend time being present to another's angst, fear, breakdown, revelation, and struggle? What is it I am hoping to create, to experience and is this even the way to get there? Am I lost in the wilderness or am I on my way to Heaven? Or are both true...is being lost in the wilderness of love and intimacy part of the path of sacred love? I hear the lyrics to Sarah McLachlan's song "Hold On"..."am I in heaven here or am I in hell...at a crossroads I am standing..."

I am standing at a crossroads.

The closer I come to others, the more we both show up (at least at this stage in the process) the more bogged down, sluggish, constricted, and afraid I feel. Feelings of anger, resentment, judgment and fear are surfacing and I find myself romanticizing the days when I was more individualized, more contained, less available, less vulnerable to the impact others may have on my life, on my being. This is the experience of the wilderness...and yes, there are monsters here for sure. Monsters inside become projected onto the Beloved outside. I see one face...the face of Heaven (the face of innocence) and then another...the face of Hell (the face of sin). What can I trust, who can I trust...can I even trust myself?

With all of the confusion, challenge, conflict and craziness...why don't I return to my solo tower? Why have I descended from the place of beautiful perfection into the streets of intimacy where chaos, darkness and confusion lurk around every corner? There is danger here for sure...

Why? I am not certain. My belly tells me there are great mysteries and blissful discoveries that await me, that are beckoning to us all. I am being urged to dive deeper still, below the surface chaos of the crashing waves...to dive in deeper and enter into the still waters of sacred love. To come face to face with my Beloveds in Truth. To tell my truth, to stand in my truth, to evoke and surrender to Truth.

Oftentimes I mask myself, I avoid my truth and the conversation that needs to be had...because I so fear I cannot withstand my truth or yours. I leave, you leave...we both leave. We abandon ourselves and each other. We betray ourselves and each other. We create what we fear.
We live a hell on earth. I am ready to show up now...to release my attachments...to risk this relationship, to sacrifice inauthenticity for the promise of real intimacy. I am willing to reveal who I am, what I want and need...I am willing to hear you, receive your truth.


I let go.
I surrender my control.
I open to the guidance and direction of the Holy Spirit.

I will allow the Divine who has called me to this work of Sacred Intimacy, to bring me through it with love, tenderness, grace, ease and unimaginable flow. I surrender. I affirm my dedication to this calling, personally and professionally.

I allow miracles to manifest in my life, in my work and in all my relationships...here now.
Guide our way into Truth, Guide our way into Light, Guide our way home to Love. Amen.