This day which is quickly coming to an end...started out at 6 a.m. I woke up, started playing with my iPhone (still fascinated with it) and
accidentally (?) clicked on Neil Douglas
Klotz Aramaic Prayers. I began breathing and chanting...feeling my heart open to the presence of
Yeshua. One of the prayers was a translation from Matthew 7:7 ~ "
Ask and it shall be given you, seek and you shall find, knock, and it shall be opened unto you." I chanted the Aramaic words,
Qush Wa Eth-
Phetah..."knock and be opened" over and over again feeling the resonance deep within my heart. I knew that I would be opened, I knew that my heart would open from the inside, that a dam would break and love would flow to the outer regions...the places within my heart that are fenced off by fear...fear of being left in love, fear of loving too much, fear of losing control in the
ecstasy of true love.
I kept chanting anyway...for hours I listened, chanted. I felt the Love Presence grow within me...I followed desire all the way home to the Source of Love within me. I felt the dams break.
The constrictions within me began to uncoil, unwind.
Love is flowing. Love is
infiltrating the barren lands of my own heart, the places where I hide, mask, run from what I most long to experience ...a true love, a true loving -- myself true in love and in loving. Being true to myself in love.
My father left when I was 1 1/2 years old. I think that at this young age I was baffled and stunned that this man with whom I shared such warmth and joy and love could all of sudden be gone. In an instant. I am certain that I registered this deep within my cells. I know that as a grown woman, just standing near him would create a resonance within my cells, within my
life force that said, "yes, this is my father." I must have had a cellular recognition and resonance with him...since most of the time I spent with him was during the ages of 0 to 3 and then again in my 30's. My grandmother tells me stories about my father coming to visit me when I was 2 or 3. She tells me that my father would often cry during our visits and that I would comfort him...but never shed a tear, never let on that I was hurting...until he left. And then the tears would come. I don't think I had ever heard this story from my grandmother until recently. It may have been after my father died...just over 2 years ago now. He was gone in an instant then too...one moment pounding the pedals on his mountain bike...the next laying dead on a trail.
I think this story can tell me a lot about how I show up and how I hide in love today...about my fears, about how I suppress the fullness of my love and desire...my pleasure and my pain. I think the story I made up to reconcile this
separation might have gone like this..." be really good...don't show too much emotion, don't ask for too much, don't reveal too much...stay as small as possible so that he won't leave again. Abandon yourself so that you won't be abandoned. Don't desire him too much or he will leave...don't trust the love that
exists...be baffled and confused. I am done with this story.
I have compassion for her. She was so madly in love, so crazy
deliriously in love with herself, her father, her mother, her life. I can't imagine the impact on her soul to lose the presence of such a great love.
So what is the point? What is opening in me tonight is the awareness of how I've spent so much of my life compensating for that experience...controlling, avoiding, protecting my relationships so that I would never, ever have to experience the
devastation of that kind of a loss again.
Until now.
Until now.
I am surrendering all my ways of hiding from love, of controlling myself in love, of manipulating others in love so that I might have a chance to receive, to create, to experience and to live...a great and true and profound and ecstatic love in my life.
I have deep compassion for this part of me that screams so loud, who grips so tightly to these charades, these lies, these illusions. I bless her and I ask her to please come home, to please come home to my heart where I can love her and care for her. I ask for her to serve a greater purpose...to support me in being a generous and open-hearted lover. I don't need protection anymore. Her job is done. A new assignment has arrived.
To love myself.
To love others.
Truly, deeply.
Authentically.
Knock and be opened. Let me be opened fully. I withhold nothing from you God. I make a full and complete surrender tonight. Into your arms, into the mystery of my life, into the fires of Sacred Love that burn within me. I no longer wish to be a child with childlike ways...I wish to fully embody and inhabit the woman that I am. I wish to be grown up in my love and in my loving.
I am knocking from the inside, heart opening from the inside.
I wish to be made new.
Resurrected wholeness.
Holy Spirit,
Maranatha...
Come do your sacred work within me, within my life, within my
relationships now.
I ask for your grace and for your delicacy as you breath new life into my heart.
Dear God, I ask for your blessing on my anim cara...his soul's presence in my life has brought me to this moment now, where I begin again, anew.
Ameyn. Let it be so.
