The Truth Has Set Me Free...

Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.
~ John 8:32 ~

I awoke early this morning, aware of the full moon and aware that today would be the day of my burning bowl ceremony. I gathered up the inventories from my 4th step -- fears, resentments, sexual conduct and people I have harmed. I gathered my list of amends from the 8th step. I found my burning bowl and sat in the backyard with a lighter and lavender. Lighting each piece of paper with care, praying for grace to descend on my life and the lives of those I have hurt. These past few months in the Crucible and vigorously working the 12 steps have been some of the most challenging and most soul rewarding of my life. I am seeing the significance and the importance of looking my past in the face with clarity and with courage so that I can truly be free from that which has consciously and more importantly unconsciously bound me.

I feel very exposed and vulnerable. After making 10 amends over the last 10 days I am aware of the vulnerability of taking 100% responsibility for my actions and inactions and the impact they have had on others. It is quite riveting to sit in front of a friend, past lover, family member, etc. and clearly own the ways I have hurt them, stating what I would have liked to have done and asking if there is anything I can do now to help heal that hurt. I am humbled. And I am beginning to sense what Jesus said about building your house on sand or on rock. (Matthew 7:24-27, "Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.") This process is the process of building my home...my life and my sense of self on a foundation of rock, rather than on the shifting sands of partial awareness. I am grateful to Nichole Nicholson, the young woman at Coffee Creek whom I mentor...and truly who mentors me...for being the impetuous for beginning this work. I am seeing the ripple effect of one life...hers and now mine. I never knew how important this would be for myself, for others...I think for all of us.

How can I/we make powerful movement forward in our lives if we still have one foot in the past? This one foot in the past is not in our full consciousness...it is at best semi-conscious and most often lurking in our subconscious...keeping our heart's desires and deepest dreams at bay and in the realm of fantasy. Grounding my life on the bedrock of truly freeing myself from the there and then allows me to be firmly and clearly planted in this now moment. I have gathered up the energy that I was investing in avoiding or running or making up for the past and brought myself fully present here and now. I thank God for doing for me what I could not do for myself. I thank Aminga for being my sponsor and guiding me through this terrain. I thank all of you for holding space and being a witness to my healing. I love you and I love myself.

Exposed, vulnerable, humble and pliable. That was my experience today. And interestingly enough, the antidote to most of the ways I have hurt people is to be emotionally vulnerable and transparent with my thoughts, feelings, wants and needs. I recall the single green grape I placed on the third altar on the first night of the Crucible...the fruit I wanted to bear as a result of the process...to have what was inside the same as the outside...seperated only by a thin skin. Inside out, outside in. Yes, the Crucible delivered on its promise to me.

As I burned the last piece of paper in the bowl this morning I felt uneasy. This was it. I had looked clearly at myself and my past choices and behaviors, I had amended my wrongdoings where I could and now it was time for me to put the past to rest. To set myself free. To begin again from a new foundation in truth and in love.

I am willing to become new, renewed. I am willing to make new choices for myself. I am willing to bring forth the excellence and greatness that God wills for me. I am willing to be vessel of Divine Love in my own unique and perfect way. I am ready to flourish in God's vision.

Who do I need to become? A woman who actively loves and nourishes herself. A woman who is vibrantly expressed and available to life and love. A woman who reveals and expresses her heart's desires, wants and needs. A woman who activates and lives her full potential each and every day. A woman who relaxes and is at ease in her life, who trusts God, the good and life itself to bring to her everything she needs. A woman who sets clear boundaries and knows her yes and her no and is willing to stand gracefully in her truth. A woman who receives the abundance of good God intends for her in the form of loving and authentic relationships, financial abundance, creative and compelling work in the world, loving and intimate community, sacred love and soul partnership, nourishing foods and healthy exercise. I am a woman of worth, of beauty, of brilliance and of immense love and compassion. I am a woman who's heart is on fire for God. I am ready to create. I magnify my YES God, 1000x YES!

Thank you to every one of you for teaching me, for pushing me to and over my edge, for loving me, for seeing me in light and dark, for urging me downward, upward, onward, forward!

I will rest now. I will be at ease. I will be still and know the I AM...God! I will allow the Universe to sweep me away, to bring me into deep alignment with my soul, sole reason for being.

With gratitude for my life,
Anakha