Ted Coman

Anakha and Ted ~ Seminary Graduation

Ted Coman

I awoke this morning remembering that today is the 3rd anniversary of my father's death. He would be 68 today. He was in excellent health...skied 100 days in a row at Mt. Bachelor...ran and biked every day. He had a hard attack while mountain biking up at Lake Paulina...his friends on search and rescue brought him out on a sled that he had assembled the day before to be used to take people that were injured off the mountain. It still is difficult for me to truly grasp what happened...that he is gone...that he isn't just across the mountain...living his life in Sunriver.

Three years ago today I was volunteering at Coffee Creek and had spent the day with the women. I went to bed about 10:30 p.m. At 11 p.m. the phone rang...it was my mom...."honey, I have some bad news...your Dad died today." I remember falling to the floor, phone went flying out of my hands and sounds I have never made came out...wailing, deep wailing...it felt like a piece of me was being ripped away. Gary came running from the other end of the house...he said it sounded like I was being attacked or raped. He picked up the phone and told my mom I would have to call her back. I was dazed...in shock. I sat and stared at the wall. My friend Lisa drove over and took me to the mini-mart...I bought some cigarettes and smoked 1/3...it tasted awful so I threw it away. I didn't know what to do. How to be...how to feel.

The next few weeks I walked through my life on autopilot...continued to push along in my life. I drove to Bend 2 days after he died to see him and my stepmother, brother, mother and grandmother. I remember sitting in the funeral home with him...still in his biking gear, laying on this table...band-aids still in place where IVs had been. I played him Amazing Grace and sat with him. I removed the band-aids and laid my hands on his chest...I remember that it grew warm underneath my touch. Later that day when I gold my stepmother Barbara that I had played him Amazing Grace...she said, "Oh that was Teddy's favorite...that surely warmed his heart."

Several days later after planning and visits from family and friends, we had his memorial service. The church was packed 300...400 people? A sea of yellow stood out in the pews. His search and rescue team from Central Oregon. I gave the eulogy along with his sister, my Aunt Mary and his best friend Al. Afterwards several people asked me if I was a lawyer or a professional speaker...even on that day I seemed to have it all together. I even spoke at a church the morning of his memorial...rushed home and changed and drove to Sunriver.

After the funeral I wandered around the reception...still disconnected and in a daze. I am not sure anyone recognized the state I was in. In fact, I am quite sure no one was able to see that underneath the surface a sea...a surge of grief was rising. It would be only a few weeks before it would all come crashing through...grief, anger, betrayal...but for now it looked like calm before the storm.

My Dad was a natural leader with vision, charisma and devotion. He was a VP at Chevron corporation and lived in San Francisco until retiring to Sun River 10 years ago. He LOVED to downhill ski...he was amazing on skiis...at age 65 he skied with the 30 somethings...guys his age were to tame and shied away at cold weather. Not my Dad...he had a goal every year to ski 100 days in a row...only counting a day if he made 10 runs. One of his favorite sayings was "each day you choose your attitude...you can choose to have a great day and you will." My Dad had a hard time feeling though...he didn't like the feeling wedge...kind of like Robert! I think he was afraid of his emotions...afraid of how much he did feel. In the end I wonder if that was the reason for his heart attack...shutting down...breaking down. I am fairly certain my Dad didn't allow himself room to feel much aside from excitement, joy and happiness...one time during an estrangement from his son...my brother Andy, my Dad said, "well, when I can't do anything about it, I just put it in a box and stick on the shelf." I wonder now how many boxes were on his shelf...boxed up feelings, truths, needs? I wonder Dad, what were you keeping on that shelf of your heart?

One of the greatest lessons during that time after my father's death was learning to feel, to grieve and to ask for help. I ended up having a grief meltdown a month or so after his death. I had kept pushing along...suppressing the grief, suppressing the anger and one day it all came out...I ended up hurting one of my friends with my words and my actions. I came undone.

Today on this third anniversary of his death I am grateful for my feeling...for my tending to my own heart...and for learning how not to put things in boxes and place them on the shelf. I am grateful for my connection to my father and the qualities of love and life that we share. I am grateful to be his daughter. I am grateful to have shared moments of joy and celebration with him...on the mountain, on the beach...I will never forget our Cabo booze cruise and snorkeling trip or wandering around in the Deschutes forest teaching him to find and cut his first Christmas tree at age 58!

So it is on this day that I will find a place in nature and make my amends to my father, Edward "Ted" Ellis Coman. I will share with him the ways I hurt and harmed him and ask him how I can heal this now. I will listen and be present...maybe he will show up...I am guessing he will...in Spirit...of course Mt. Bachelor doesn't have enough snow for him to be skiing....not yet anyways!

Dad, I love you, I bless you, I forgive you, peace be with you. Amen.

Write Someone A Love Letter

Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together - Be calm - love me - today - yesterday - what tearful longings for you - you - you - my life - my all - farewell. Oh continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.

ever thine
ever mine
ever ours

Beethoven's Love Letters to His Immortal Beloved

"To write a good love letter, you ought to begin without knowing what you mean to say and to finish without knowing what you have written."-Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Deep Acceptance...Here and Now

It washed over me today. A deep acceptance born of unconditional love for life, for myself, for others. It arrived unexpectedly...an awareness that infused and informed my perception of all things.

A deep acceptance, here and now. For myself...for my age...for my body...for my ministry...for my finances, for my relationships. This is my life, here and now. And I embrace it, and I celebrate it.I accept it.

Not the resigned, have to...begrudgingly...rather an acceptance rooted in deep appreciation and gratitude and coming to the understanding (finally and once again)...that my life...is how it ought to be...right here...right now. There is no other life than this one that I should be living.

My life, yes my life is unfolding with perfection and precision...on course...on time...Divinely guided, ordered and arranged. I know this from my core today...this time of focused prayer, cleansing and radically loving and nourishing myself is taking me to where I need to be in consciousness and in body, heart and mind. I am grateful.

Today I ate a huge mango...all by myself...it was the best mango I have ever eaten. Sweet, drippy, lovely and it brought me such joy and bliss. Standing in the kitchen, alone...sun shining in through the window...eating a mango over the sink. Juices dripping down my chin...a smile on my face. A smile born of deep acceptance. A deep acceptance born of self-love and nourishment.

This is my course...this is my intention...to deeply accept my life...myself...to love people, to serve Divine Love.

I am happy. I am free. I am here now. And, yes I love you. I always will. Tender and joyful moments burned on my heart...etched on my soul...forever with me. Be free. All of you. Be free, here and now.

And yes, it is almost oatmeal season. Shall we dance?

Thank you Mother Father God. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Amen.

Is Your Dream Big Enough?

Test Your Dream with 5 Essential Questions
Building Your Field of Dreams
(Mary Manin Morrissey)

1. Does this dream enliven me? Feel your own life energy in regards to your dream. Does the mere thought of it quicken your pulse? Is it something that inspires and creates enthusiasm? Is it something you want passionately? Do you feel an amplified sense of aliveness as you vividly imagine living the fulfillment of this dream? If you don’t answer yes to these questions, if that dream is just a big “I should,” then you won’t harness the energy to bring your desire into form.

2. Does this dream align with my core values? Does it align with your fundamental sense of integrity? Pursuing your dream will cause you to make many difficult decisions; inevitably you will come across some shortcut to your dream that also cuts deeply into your values. You will be forced to choose one over the other. In the spiritual venture of dream-building it is critical that at each juncture, each crossroads, you remain true to yourself.

3. Do I need help from a higher source to make this dream come true? Do I need God/Universe to show me/guide me into HOW? If you think you can accomplish the dream alone, the dream is not big enough! You have no room for God in your dream if you think you can control every detail. To access this Higher Source, you need to willing grow, which is impossible to do if you are full of your own ego. The dream must be bigger than you know yourself to be, so that you learn to allow the Higher Source to do for you what you cannot do for yourself.

4. Will this dream require me to grow into more of my true self? If the dream is bigger than you at the outset, who will you become as you grow into it? Remember, your dream is that part of you longing to express itself. Every choice you make that requires you to grow and stretch moves you closer to your true self. The "you" that has defined the dream is not the "you that will exist once it has manifested itself. The transition between these two states or expressions requires the lesser you to surrender to the greater you. You're leaving a limited life and moving into a larger one. You are bringing out hat part of yourself that's been boxed in, tucked away. As you mold those longing into reality, you are growing and stretching, more accurately expressing your true self.

5. Will this dream ultimately bless others? This is the final test of your dream. Every good and true dream has a seed within it that can bless and benefit others, because in this universe there is no such thing as a private good. We are all connected in the intricate web of life force, and what harms one ultimately harms all, just as what is truly good for one is ultimately good for all.

How Good Can it Get?

God is the Source of our Supply ~ The True Vine Bears Fruit

This was the title of an email I received today! It caught my attention in my spam folder as I was deleting messages. How good can it get? What would it be like to raise the internal thermometer on how much good we allow into our lives...how much good we experience, express, extend and embody?

I don't know about you...but I am willing and wanting to find out!!! That is the intention of The Elixir (starting the first week of October) to come together and truly thrive in excellence and greatness...to bring forth the vision God has for our lives. To blow out the habitual showstoppers of fear and anxiety (the many faces of resistance), take the brakes off and move into an inspired experience of life. I am ready...and I invite you to come along if you are 100% committed to bringing forth what is within you...latent gifts, talents and dreams...and realizing them here now!

Most of us are unaware of the internal glass ceiling that we have in place and that lives in our subconscious and limits our receiving the abundance that God intends for us. It is our birthright to receive an abundance of joy, of love, of vitality, of creativity, resources, support, relationships, etc. Yeshua affirms this essential truth in John 10:10, "I came that they may have life and may have it abundantly."

Are you ready to unleash a whole new level of joy, vitality, meaning, connection, contribution, love, well-being, peace and fulfillment into your life?

I am...I say YES...100x...50x...100x...magnify the yes. I am abundantly ready and willing for the Universal Love Force to sweep me away. :-)

P.S. Emial me if you'd like information on 5 essential questions to test your dream/vision -- is it big enough for you?!

Rooted in Love

The existential anxiety, fear and doubt must be off the charts in this country right now. I certainly have felt it drift through my consciousness over the past few days. It seems like the collective, consensus reality crap is looking for a home in whomever might decide to download a bit or a bunch of it.

The question on my mind today...will I be home to Love or a hostage to Fear? As Rev. Dr. Michael Beckwith says, "you are either pulled by a vision or pushed by pain."

My answer during these times has been to increase my conscious contact with God, to root myself in Love...to pray and meditate more consistently, to cleanse my body, to continue my yoga practice and to reverently listen to God's guidance and vision for my life...here now. Listen, be, act.

It is so easy to fall prey to the words and images that we ingest everyday from the radio, TV and Internet (I personally don't listen to radio or watch TV except on a rare occasion). The word and image have power and impact, and it is so important to be discerning about what we choose to ingest with our minds, hearts and ears these days. If we want to be a people of faith and to allow faith to guide us, we must invest our awareness and our energy in those things that fortify and sustain us in Love and in Love only.

Now is the time when our collective faith needs to grow stronger and bigger than our collective fear. That is my vision for these times...unplug from the Obama/McCain/Palin circus...unplug from the AIG/economy crashing coverage...you've seen enough and you've heard enough...and yes, enough is enough. Instead, plug into your own vision, your own greatness and your own stewardship of those things that you love and care for: your business, your children, your lover, your health, your inspired idea, your creativity. Plug into your own inspired leadership, know and be the truth that change comes from grassroots initiatives and from small groups of inspired and committed people, stay focused on the one purpose we share...to be a vessel of Divine Love...to express and magnify the unconditional love that is God, that we are born from, made from and reside in...always and in all ways!

And from this place of Love, ask yourself..."how is God's greatness and excellence wanting to express in and as my life?" What is God's vision of greatness and excellence expressed through me? What is wanting to emerge?

And then actively love yourself...gently, gracefully...

Eat good, nourishing whole foods.
Listen to inspiring music.
Drink water.
Take naps.
Pray and pray some more.
Be still.
Dance.
Walk.
Serve.
Read and write poetry.
Ride your bike.
Watch the leaves change.
Call your parents, your grandparents.
Play with your children.

Create your own inner environment, raise your own radiance through conscious contact with the Divine. We choose. Each moment we choose...to be a home for Love or a hostage to Fear. Let us choose Love now. Let us Love now...sound simple? Yeah, I think it is simple...not always easy.

"And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is Love. Whoever lives in love, lives in God, and God in him/her." 1 John 4:16

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind." Romans 12:2

Oneness Can Be Ours!

Oneness can be ours.

Walking into a room full of strangers

what is it that divides us, when we can see

our secret purpose together is love

conspiring in and among us?

When we come back to our natural ground.

Walking into a Maytime wood together

digging a firepit in virgin bracken

'The problem is not the earth', you say

'It is us'. And the birdsong agrees.

Playing music together

listening intently to each other's melody,

loosening our boxed edges...

And if we can learn to sing together

the way the Spirit of Fire made us

speak together all at once, and yet

each understanding each other's tongue—imagine

a circle where each of us sounds our note

one by one, high or low, all round its perimeter

then rising together in a single, harmonic shout of YES !

The Truth Has Set Me Free...

Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.
~ John 8:32 ~

I awoke early this morning, aware of the full moon and aware that today would be the day of my burning bowl ceremony. I gathered up the inventories from my 4th step -- fears, resentments, sexual conduct and people I have harmed. I gathered my list of amends from the 8th step. I found my burning bowl and sat in the backyard with a lighter and lavender. Lighting each piece of paper with care, praying for grace to descend on my life and the lives of those I have hurt. These past few months in the Crucible and vigorously working the 12 steps have been some of the most challenging and most soul rewarding of my life. I am seeing the significance and the importance of looking my past in the face with clarity and with courage so that I can truly be free from that which has consciously and more importantly unconsciously bound me.

I feel very exposed and vulnerable. After making 10 amends over the last 10 days I am aware of the vulnerability of taking 100% responsibility for my actions and inactions and the impact they have had on others. It is quite riveting to sit in front of a friend, past lover, family member, etc. and clearly own the ways I have hurt them, stating what I would have liked to have done and asking if there is anything I can do now to help heal that hurt. I am humbled. And I am beginning to sense what Jesus said about building your house on sand or on rock. (Matthew 7:24-27, "Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.") This process is the process of building my home...my life and my sense of self on a foundation of rock, rather than on the shifting sands of partial awareness. I am grateful to Nichole Nicholson, the young woman at Coffee Creek whom I mentor...and truly who mentors me...for being the impetuous for beginning this work. I am seeing the ripple effect of one life...hers and now mine. I never knew how important this would be for myself, for others...I think for all of us.

How can I/we make powerful movement forward in our lives if we still have one foot in the past? This one foot in the past is not in our full consciousness...it is at best semi-conscious and most often lurking in our subconscious...keeping our heart's desires and deepest dreams at bay and in the realm of fantasy. Grounding my life on the bedrock of truly freeing myself from the there and then allows me to be firmly and clearly planted in this now moment. I have gathered up the energy that I was investing in avoiding or running or making up for the past and brought myself fully present here and now. I thank God for doing for me what I could not do for myself. I thank Aminga for being my sponsor and guiding me through this terrain. I thank all of you for holding space and being a witness to my healing. I love you and I love myself.

Exposed, vulnerable, humble and pliable. That was my experience today. And interestingly enough, the antidote to most of the ways I have hurt people is to be emotionally vulnerable and transparent with my thoughts, feelings, wants and needs. I recall the single green grape I placed on the third altar on the first night of the Crucible...the fruit I wanted to bear as a result of the process...to have what was inside the same as the outside...seperated only by a thin skin. Inside out, outside in. Yes, the Crucible delivered on its promise to me.

As I burned the last piece of paper in the bowl this morning I felt uneasy. This was it. I had looked clearly at myself and my past choices and behaviors, I had amended my wrongdoings where I could and now it was time for me to put the past to rest. To set myself free. To begin again from a new foundation in truth and in love.

I am willing to become new, renewed. I am willing to make new choices for myself. I am willing to bring forth the excellence and greatness that God wills for me. I am willing to be vessel of Divine Love in my own unique and perfect way. I am ready to flourish in God's vision.

Who do I need to become? A woman who actively loves and nourishes herself. A woman who is vibrantly expressed and available to life and love. A woman who reveals and expresses her heart's desires, wants and needs. A woman who activates and lives her full potential each and every day. A woman who relaxes and is at ease in her life, who trusts God, the good and life itself to bring to her everything she needs. A woman who sets clear boundaries and knows her yes and her no and is willing to stand gracefully in her truth. A woman who receives the abundance of good God intends for her in the form of loving and authentic relationships, financial abundance, creative and compelling work in the world, loving and intimate community, sacred love and soul partnership, nourishing foods and healthy exercise. I am a woman of worth, of beauty, of brilliance and of immense love and compassion. I am a woman who's heart is on fire for God. I am ready to create. I magnify my YES God, 1000x YES!

Thank you to every one of you for teaching me, for pushing me to and over my edge, for loving me, for seeing me in light and dark, for urging me downward, upward, onward, forward!

I will rest now. I will be at ease. I will be still and know the I AM...God! I will allow the Universe to sweep me away, to bring me into deep alignment with my soul, sole reason for being.

With gratitude for my life,
Anakha