Numbing the Sacred Heart

Where am I? Some semblance of me is sitting here in front of my laptop at 9:44 p.m. on the first day of the correctional officer's trial...my body is here...my mind is sort of here...but where did my heart and spirit go? On hiatus I suppose...took one look at the courtroom and heard the conversations surrounding it and decided to get the hell out of dodge! I don't blame them...although my body and mind are somewhat contentious now after being left behind.

The only real and true thing I did today was pray with "Jane" before the trial in a little room at the courthouse full of chairs that said "broken" on them. Broken...yes, broken hearted, broken down, broken apart, broken open, broken. Tears streamed down my face as I prayed with her...affirming that Yeshua was with us...that we are always connected to the True Vine, I was fully present in that prayer and then...hiatus...

My heartbreak happens when the Truth I know is such a far cry, such a huge distance from what I see and experience in the real. My heartbreak happens when I feel tenderness and compassion for the officer who looks like the walking dead...disconnected from her own I AM-ness, lost in the darkness. How can this be...how can this happen? I become rattled, disoriented, confused and then the leaving starts moment to moment the numbness comes to cover the despair, the disorientation, the confusion. I become someone unknown to myself. And as I watch I come to know her story as my story...the leaving of Self...the seperation to avoid the pain.

I tried to find my heart and spirit in the ecstatic dance gathering tonight...the best I could do was to be present within my disconnection...to find my breath, to fill my belly, to see my feet, to watch others in their joy and encourage them in my silent prayer. I wanted to shake it off...all the sadness, fear, despair, numbness and outrage...and even that was not happening. I needed to feel it all...to see my response...to see how I numb my own ecstatic heart by not wanting to feel disrupted, discouraged, disoriented by what I experience in the world.

I numb my heart by becoming a robotic machine moving from one thing to put in my mouth to another...from one thing to do to another...trying to find the antidote...some external miracle cure. And then, through the Grace of God, I stop...I see and I watch and I breath and I sit down to write and in my writing I make this offering...this little prayer.

Yeshua, My Beloved
Help Me to Stay Awake
Help Me to Feel
Help Me to Love, Radically and Redemptively
This World and all of its Brokenness
This Human Community and its Forgetfullness
My Own Heart and its Tenderness
Help Me to Keep Your Vision Alive in My Heart
Help Me to Behold Your Christic Salve, Your Radical Love
Bring Your Wholeness and Blessed Oneness to Us All
Through Your Wildly Sacred and Thoroughly Uniting
Lover's Heart...Ameyn.

I love you all...
Blessed Night,
Anakha