Knock and Be Opened

This day which is quickly coming to an end...started out at 6 a.m. I woke up, started playing with my iPhone (still fascinated with it) and accidentally (?) clicked on Neil Douglas Klotz Aramaic Prayers. I began breathing and chanting...feeling my heart open to the presence of Yeshua. One of the prayers was a translation from Matthew 7:7 ~ "Ask and it shall be given you, seek and you shall find, knock, and it shall be opened unto you." I chanted the Aramaic words, Qush Wa Eth-Phetah..."knock and be opened" over and over again feeling the resonance deep within my heart. I knew that I would be opened, I knew that my heart would open from the inside, that a dam would break and love would flow to the outer regions...the places within my heart that are fenced off by fear...fear of being left in love, fear of loving too much, fear of losing control in the ecstasy of true love.

I kept chanting anyway...for hours I listened, chanted. I felt the Love Presence grow within me...I followed desire all the way home to the Source of Love within me. I felt the dams break.
The constrictions within me began to uncoil, unwind.

Love is flowing. Love is infiltrating the barren lands of my own heart, the places where I hide, mask, run from what I most long to experience ...a true love, a true loving -- myself true in love and in loving. Being true to myself in love.

My father left when I was 1 1/2 years old. I think that at this young age I was baffled and stunned that this man with whom I shared such warmth and joy and love could all of sudden be gone. In an instant. I am certain that I registered this deep within my cells. I know that as a grown woman, just standing near him would create a resonance within my cells, within my life force that said, "yes, this is my father." I must have had a cellular recognition and resonance with him...since most of the time I spent with him was during the ages of 0 to 3 and then again in my 30's. My grandmother tells me stories about my father coming to visit me when I was 2 or 3. She tells me that my father would often cry during our visits and that I would comfort him...but never shed a tear, never let on that I was hurting...until he left. And then the tears would come. I don't think I had ever heard this story from my grandmother until recently. It may have been after my father died...just over 2 years ago now. He was gone in an instant then too...one moment pounding the pedals on his mountain bike...the next laying dead on a trail.

I think this story can tell me a lot about how I show up and how I hide in love today...about my fears, about how I suppress the fullness of my love and desire...my pleasure and my pain. I think the story I made up to reconcile this separation might have gone like this..." be really good...don't show too much emotion, don't ask for too much, don't reveal too much...stay as small as possible so that he won't leave again. Abandon yourself so that you won't be abandoned. Don't desire him too much or he will leave...don't trust the love that exists...be baffled and confused. I am done with this story.

I have compassion for her. She was so madly in love, so crazy deliriously in love with herself, her father, her mother, her life. I can't imagine the impact on her soul to lose the presence of such a great love.

So what is the point? What is opening in me tonight is the awareness of how I've spent so much of my life compensating for that experience...controlling, avoiding, protecting my relationships so that I would never, ever have to experience the devastation of that kind of a loss again.

Until now.
Until now.

I am surrendering all my ways of hiding from love, of controlling myself in love, of manipulating others in love so that I might have a chance to receive, to create, to experience and to live...a great and true and profound and ecstatic love in my life.

I have deep compassion for this part of me that screams so loud, who grips so tightly to these charades, these lies, these illusions. I bless her and I ask her to please come home, to please come home to my heart where I can love her and care for her. I ask for her to serve a greater purpose...to support me in being a generous and open-hearted lover. I don't need protection anymore. Her job is done. A new assignment has arrived.

To love myself.
To love others.
Truly, deeply.
Authentically.

Knock and be opened. Let me be opened fully. I withhold nothing from you God. I make a full and complete surrender tonight. Into your arms, into the mystery of my life, into the fires of Sacred Love that burn within me. I no longer wish to be a child with childlike ways...I wish to fully embody and inhabit the woman that I am. I wish to be grown up in my love and in my loving.

I am knocking from the inside, heart opening from the inside.
I wish to be made new.
Resurrected wholeness.
Holy Spirit, Maranatha...
Come do your sacred work within me, within my life, within my relationships now.
I ask for your grace and for your delicacy as you breath new life into my heart.

Dear God, I ask for your blessing on my anim cara...his soul's presence in my life has brought me to this moment now, where I begin again, anew.

Ameyn. Let it be so.

Desire in the Lover's Heart

Desire burns in the Lover's heart tonight
Burning for no other
Only you
Deep within me
I hear your call
To ravage
To adore
To burn in the fire's of Sacred Love
To feel the heat of Sacred Passion
To become obliterated in the Ecstasy of Breath
Dissolved into the oceanic tides
of God
of Presence
This journey into Sacred Intimacy
with Self
with God
with Other
is turbulent at times
swelling beneath the surface
rolling
crashing
lulling
flowing
swirling
thrashing
nashing
releasing
coming
going
a holy terror
always precedes a holy love
here we meet our Beloved on the edge
of our own becoming
we face into the darkness
and reach blindly
for the One we will call
our own
our beloved
our soul
if we dare reach through
if we dare enter the fire
if we dare burn, burn, burn
into the ashes
if we surrender all of our
outdated and constricted notions
of love
and of loving
we will be granted
entry into the kingdom of heaven
the Divine will enter our hearts
our bodies

our souls
and rock us in the arms
of Sacred Union
the matrimony of God's Lovers
here we sway in the
mystical erotic
we call the divine into the body
we manifest the fullness of what
Jesus was calling us to...
to become fully human
to become fully divine
to embody all that it means
to be divinely human
the mysteries of Sacred Love
are being revealed to me
the teachings unlocked
from the inside...
I have gifts to share
to support you
in your journey into
being a full,
radically loving,
overflowing
juicy
inspired
compassionate
sacred
sexual

creative
expression
God in body
There are secrets to tell...
We are becoming Love!

P.S. Check my blog on Saturday or Sunday to view the latest video blogs on Becoming Love and Embodiment.

the scent of the sacred

the scent of the sacred
lingers in my heart tonight
love reaching out across the distance
between my heart and yours
lost and found and lost again
the tender words we say to one another
are written in heaven forever
love's call
waking down the body
rising in love
another night on the veranda
of this life with you
intertwined with the beloved
i make my way across the ocean
to find you and bring you home
the lost pearl
spinning in an orbit
i reach for it's light
it's beauty showers me
a thousand times i have
made this journey into
the waves of the ocean
surfacing with lost treasure
tonight i see the treasure
this ruby precious heart
that beats me into breath
into stillness
into silence
tonight i surrender
to the scent of the sacred
rising on the lips of love
a hunger for the beloved
satiated in your arms
my invisible lover
i am drunk with the divine
my heart liberated
becomes this
fragrant flower
i am the scent of the sacred
tonight lovers, we celebrate
the ecstatic's embrace
and become lost
in the mystery
tomorrow we rise again
in love
as love
for love
love is the only prayer
in this silent awakening
om shanti
shanti
shanti om.